BUILDING BACK BETTER FROM THE INSIDE OUT “Place Limitations on Self-Pity” 2 Samuel 12:16-20 Life Is Tough. Unexpected circumstances constantly arise. Relationships end leaving us totally devastated. We are ambushed by the unexpected. Opportunities for advancement pass us by. We fall prey to bad choices and poor decisions. There are a plethora of things that don’t go the way we want them to go in life, and when they don’t, it’s natural for us to feel sorry for ourselves and have “Pity-Parties”. Here’s the thing though: It’s OK to feel “down-and-out” for a short period of time as it relates to any one of the aforementioned instances and more. In fact, I believe that it’s important (even necessary) to feel, and even express the emotion of those circumstances instead of holding them in. However, problems arise when we get stuck in self-pity and it becomes our automatic default setting. It’s dangerous for self-pity to be the go-to reaction whenever life hits us hard. “Self-Pity” - Excessive feelings of sympathy, sorrow and pity toward self in regard to one's own internal and external experiences of suffering. SELF-PITY IS NOT AN EMOTION IN ITSELF IT IS A STATE OF MIND. • WE HAVE TO GUARD OUR MIND Self-pity happens when we focus too much on our own problems and believe that we are the victims of our circumstances. This mental focus however, leads us to feel emotions like sadness, anxiety, depression and most importantly helplessness. Becoming stuck in this mindset means we run the risk of never learning from our mistakes in a positive way. It also stops us from feeling empowered, finding solutions and achieving what we want in the long term. It’s Easy To Fall Into The Trap Of Self-Pity Because Pity Feels Good Self-pity feels good because it validates your experience; it also takes the blame and responsibility off you. In the big picture, self-pity is the outlook of someone who sees himself or herself as the victim and the victim deserves attention, care and comforting. So in a twisted kind of way, self-pity is a very comforting way to look at life and at oneself. It feels safe and some people need time in that stage before they are ready to face the challenges of an unfair world, or taking responsibility for their failures. How Do We Break Out of Self Pity? Give Yourself Permission To Feel The Emotion Suppressing pain, disappointment and sadness is unhealthy As humans we are meant to feel the whole gamut of emotions. Trying to always remain positive in the midst of a negative situation may mean constantly suppressing our real emotions. Doing that is not good for you nor for others, because those emotions are more than likely to manifest later. GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO FEEL WHAT YOU ARE REALLY FEELING EX. - DAVID’S RESPONSE TO GOD’S PUNISHMENT o READ - 2 SAMUEL 12:16-17 BECOME AWARE OF THE AFFECT SELF-PITY IS HAVING ON OTHERS There is a turning point between a healthy feeling of hurt and sadness and moving onto self-pity. And because it feels good to begin with (as I mentioned earlier) it’s easy to miss the turn around. Feeling sorry for yourself not only creates pain for you, but it also has an affect on others too. Although others initially respond to self-pity with empathic concern, the interpersonal effects of on going expressions of self-pity can be detrimental. Individuals that engage in pervasive self-pity may be more likely to be rejected by their peers and may commonly be perceived as complainers. Think about it, how many people really want to be around a person who is always feeling down? o READ - 2 SAMUEL 12:18-19 REFUSE TO TAKE ON A VICTIM’S MENTALITY “Victim’s mentality” - is an acquired personality trait in which a person tends to recognize or consider themselves a victim of the negative actions of others, and to behave as if this were the case in the face of contrary evidence of such circumstances. A person with a victim’s mentality typically feels personally victimized by anything that goes wrong, even when the problem, rude behavior or mishap wasn't directed at them. They may or may not show much interest in hearing possible solutions. Fight To Pull Yourself Out Of It o READ - 2 SAMUEL 12:20 CHANGE THE HIDDEN QUESTION THAT KEEPS YOU STUCK As humans, we ask ourselves questions all the time. In fact, it is the basis of our internal communication. And the answers we receive are based on the quality of the questions. The question victims most often ask themselves is “Why?” “Why is this happening to me?” “Why did she do that?” “Why did he say that to me?” The problem is these are low quality questions. And because our unconscious mind immediately answers those questions, it will give low quality answers. For example: “Because you’re not good enough...” “Because she doesn’t like you” “Because he doesn’t value you.” Any question beginning with “Why” will keep you stuck in your current situation feeling like a victim! Therefore make a decision to banish the word “Why” from your vocabulary and replace it with words like “What”, “How” and “When”. For example: “What can I do to get a different outcome?” “When will I contact her and explain how I feel?” “How can I change the situation?” As you change the quality of your questions, you will notice how much more empowered you feel regardless of the actions of others.
“Building Better From The Inside Out” Learn The Lesson, So, You Don’t Have to Repeat It! I grew up in an era where children were heavily influenced by the creative genius of Charles M. Schultz. For those of you who aren’t familiar with that name, Schultz was an American cartoonist who was best known for creating the comic strip, “PEANUTS”. His most famous characters are names that I’m sure you’ve heard of: CHARLIE BROWN, SNOOPY, LINUS, PEPPERMINT PATTY, LUCY, SALLY, MARCIE, PIGPEN, SCHROEDER, AND FRANKLIN One of the most memorable episodes in Peanuts history was the annual SAGA OF THE SWIPE: which of course involved Lucy, Charlie Brown, and that infamous football. This epic drama repeated itself every September for over 50 years and became the paradigm for the uneasy tension between trust and betrayal, hope and despair. To a kid of course, it was the continuous acts of failure that stood out the most. No single act better encapsulated a child’s feeling of powerlessness than Charlie Brown’s failure to kick the football, and I personally felt his frustration and disappointment. No matter how many times Lucy reassured Charlie Brown that she would not swipe the ball away, and no matter how many times she went back on her word, Charlie still chose to engage in the same behavior and ultimately kept paying the same price, over and over again. Charlie Brown constantly found himself torn between the obligatory trust that one should have in a friend, and the foreseeable consequences of trusting Lucy. And unfortunately, it was that conflict which prevented Charlie from learning from the experience and thus repeating that negative pattern. HOWEVER, WE CANNOT BE TOO HARD ON CHARLIE BROWN We’ve All Had Some “Lucy’s” In Our Lives There are “professional swipers”. Sometimes, we feel like Charlie Brown—doomed to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again, however there is a way to break the cycle of repeated negative behaviors, and it starts by Learning the Lesson and Purposing Not to Repeat It. Certainly, it goes without saying we must go through life always looking forward, but we must understand our history (look back) to not repeat the mistakes of the past. I have seen too many instances where people continued to pursue wrong courses of action because they did not take the time to think critically about what has happened in the past. “THOSE WHO FAIL TO LEARN FROM HISTORY ARE DOOMED TO REPEAT IT.’ – Sir Winston Churchill ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR MISTAKES WITHOUT FEARING THEM A healthy recognition of failure helps you grow Trust me, it can be hard to admit failure, but if you run from it, you’ll lose out on the chance to learn from it. Admit the mistake to yourself or the person it affected, so you can re-examine how it happened and do better next time. If facing your errors makes you anxious or frightened, remind yourself of a few things: • Every single person has had lapses in judgment. [e.g., Will Smith/Oscars] • Most failures are temporary setbacks, rather than absolute disasters. • People who achieve great things often had great failures along the way. ACCEPT THAT MISTAKES PLAY AN INVALUABLE ROLE IN YOUR LIFE Mistakes are both unavoidable and useful “FAILURE IS NATURE’S CHISEL THAT CHIPS AWAY AT ALL THE EXCES, STRIPPING DOWN EGOS AS IT MOLDS AND SHAPES US THROUGH DIVINE INTENTIONS.” – ANONYMOUS IF we never made mistakes and always avoided failure, we’d be less capable of showing compassion, having empathy, displaying kindness, and achieving great heights. Failure is a stepping-stone. In fact, there are four very powerful life lessons that failure helps to tech and instill in us. 1) Experience – The first important lesson gained from making colossal mistakes is experience. When we go through something and can walk away with firsthand experience, it helps us to develop a deeper understanding for life. 2) Knowledge – Failure brings with it important firsthand knowledge. That knowledge can be harnessed in the future to overcome that very failure that inflicted so much pain in the first place. 3) Resilience – Failing in life helps to build resilience. The more we fail, the more resilient we become. To achieve great success, we must know resilience. 4) Growth – Failure births maturity. Life is designed for us to grow and improve. Like fertilizer on grass, the mistakes we’ve made in life helps us to grow. IDENTIFY BEHAVIORS THAT LEAD TO MISTAKES. Examine your life for behavior patterns you'd like to work on If you're caught in a loop making the same mistakes over and over, it's probably because you have a “BLIND SPOT” in how you're viewing certain situations and behaving within it. Accidents happen daily because an unsuspecting car was in a driver’s blind spot. I Cor.11:28 – “But let a man examine himself, and so let him eat of that bread, and drink of that cup.” • Try to face the hidden motivations behind your behavior. • Why are you acting the way you are? • Why are you saying the things you do? • Why are thinking the way you are? GIVE YOURSELF TOOLS TO AVOID REPEATING MISTAKES. I vividly remember after purchasing my first home my father told me I needed to have some tools! He assured me that despite the house being relatively new, that eventually things were going to go wrong, and I needed to have the proper tools to fix them. We Need Tools to Avoid Making Mistakes You can't just shout at yourself to do better and expect it to magically happen. Approach your difficulties with a realistic mindset and take steps in advance to stop old patterns from playing out again. Learn Your Behavioral Triggers. Find out what triggers your behavior and adapt to it Very Few People Go-Off for No Reason at All! What situations or events lead to the behaviors you're unhappy with? Your mistakes don't just appear out of nowhere. They can be encouraged by other people, stressful events, and even little things like missing a meal. Identifying these patterns is the first step toward changing your response to them or preventing them from coming up in the first place. FIND A PARTNER IN SELF-IMPROVEMENT. Trade encouragement with an accountability partner Someone you can check in with for encouragement can help you stick to your goals once the initial motivation wears off.: • Find someone who is non-judgmental and can give positive reinforcement. • The more seriously you both take it, the more helpful it will be. Choose someone who is willing to commit to scheduled check-ins, and not back out on them. PICK YOURSELF UP AFTER SETBACKS. There are two types of people in this world, people who take failure personally, see it as a permanent situation and give up, and there are people who use it as a lesson, do not take it personally but see it as a temporary setback. Setbacks will happen; what matters is how you respond to them. Changing old habits, unpacking your own trauma, facing your relationship to failure: all of this is valuable work, but it can also be difficult and draining on a bad day. It is completely normal to feel confident and motivated at one moment, and then fall into pessimism and regret. When you do make a mistake again, there are ways to get back on track: • While you're still feeling the negative emotions, seek support from the right people in the right environment—people who won't judge you, and places that won't trigger more negative behaviors. • After you're feeling a bit better, look back at how the setback happened. Maybe something unexpectedly triggered strong emotions in you—work out why, and how you could avoid that next time. • Think about how your coping strategies failed. Is there a way to make them easier or more accessible? • Finally, think about how you handled the setback during the worst of it. Is there a healthier and faster way to get through the dark times?
“Building Better From The Inside Out” CREATING A SYSTEM TO MAINTAIN PROGRESS Over the past several weeks through the aid of the Holy Spirit, I have endeavored to provide a list of things that could possibly be done for you to build back better from the inside out. I have suggested that we: • Acknowledge the need to be built back better • Find a network of faithful supporters • Find a pathway to forgive • Create an avenue to trust again • Practice positive self talk However, in doing the aforementioned things, it’s important to realize that once we have started making progress, we then need to create A SYSTEM for maintaining it. WHAT ARE SYSTEMS? Systems are defined as a set of processes, tools, and strategies that all work together to solve a problem or achieve a goal. It’s the steps you take to achieve something. Often, we hear about systems and processes when it comes to businesses. After all, having solid systems in place allows a business to run like a well-oiled machine while making it more streamlined, productive, and profitable. When you eliminate the thinking part as to how to get something done and have a process for similar recurring things — efficiency increases. However, systems and processes are not just for businesses. You can create systems to simplify and streamline your life, too. GOALS VS. SYSTEMS For years conventional wisdom has taught us to achieve success we must be “goal oriented”. We have been taught to set specific and attainable goals. Goals for making certain grades Goals of getting into a certain college Goals of graduating college Goals of finding a job in our field Goals of having a family Goals of being able to retire However, I can attest that in most cases my results had very little to do with the goals I set, but nearly everything to do with the systems I followed. • Every coach enters the season with the same GOAL—to win a championship. The winning coach has a great SYSTEM - good development and recruitment of players, good management of assistant coaches, and productive practices. • Every entrepreneur has a GOAL of building a million-dollar business. The SYSTEM is how you test product ideas, hire employees, and run marketing campaigns. • Every principal has a GOAL of leading an A-School. The SYSTEM however is the hiring of motivated student-leaders, the development of parental involvement, and the creation of a positive learning environment I Maintain Systems Are More Important Than Goals 1. Winners and losers share goals in common 2. A goal is only a momentary change 3. Goals are at odds with long-term progress 4. Goals restrict happiness The question tonight then becomes, Are goals completely useless? Should we abandon our goals? Of course not! Goals are good for setting a DIRECTION, but systems are best for making PROGRESS! 4 STEPS TO CREATING SYSTEMS FOR YOUR LIFE STEP 1: VISUALIZE TO CREATE SYSTEMS FOR YOUR LIFE, BEGIN BY REFLECTING. Start by thinking about the goals that are most important to you right now. Then, self-audit your day and pinpoint the daily interruptions and distractions you face. Where are you wasting your time and energy? What parts of your day hold you back from achieving your goals? From there, you can begin to decide how you want your days to play out. STEP 2: CATEGORIZE Businesses have a range of systems for all sorts of aspects: marketing, accounting, human resources, and more. The next step is to do the same and create categories for the various aspects of your life. Of course, yours will look much different from a business. Examples include family, work obligations, spiritual growth, and personal development or self-care. STEP 3: SYSTEMIZE Now, for everybody’s favorite part: creating the actual systems. This requires us to think back to the current goals we’re prioritizing in the various categories of our life, and essentially determine the specific activities we’re aiming to systemize and create our own foolproof method for completing them. STEP 4: CUSTOMIZE Our lives move in ebbs and flows. With our goals, priorities, and daily circumstances constantly changing, so will our systems. Never be afraid to adjust your systems! Making tweaks is necessary to continue growing. If something’s no longer working, adjust to it, and create a new one.
“Building Better From The Inside Out” Practicing Powerful Self Talk James 3:1-12 (TLB) Dear brothers, don’t be too eager to tell others their faults, for we all make many mistakes; and when we teachers of religion, who should know better, do wrong, our punishment will be greater than it would be for others. If anyone can control his tongue, it proves that he has perfect control over himself in every other way. We can make a large horse turn around and go wherever we want by means of a small bit in his mouth. And a tiny rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot wants it to go, even though the winds are strong. So also the tongue is a small thing, but what enormous damage it can do. A great forest can be set on fire by one tiny spark. And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is full of wickedness, and poisons every part of the body. And the tongue is set on fire by hell itself and can turn our whole lives into a blazing flame of destruction and disaster. Men have trained, or can train, every kind of animal or bird that lives and every kind of reptile and fish, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is always ready to pour out its deadly poison. Sometimes it praises our heavenly Father, and sometimes it breaks out into curses against men who are made like God. And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Dear brothers, surely this is not right! Does a spring of water bubble out first with fresh water and then with bitter water? Can you pick olives from a fig tree, or figs from a grape vine? No, and you can’t draw fresh water from a salty pool. In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” JOHN 1:1 Many of us tonight are familiar with this well-known Bible verse, however when we look beyond the religious overtones, we discover that there’s a message to be found in this particular verse for everyone, and it is…EVERYTHING IN EXISTENCE BEGINS WITH A WORD. Words consist of vibration and sound. It is these vibrations that create the very reality that surrounds us. This truism is important for us to embrace because if our words and thoughts are the very tools in with which we construct and create our reality, then surely WORDS ARE OUR MOST POWERFUL TOOL! Consequently, we should then only pick the very best words possible in order to create the very best reality possible. While it is true our thoughts also impact what we manifest in our lives, it can be argued that the real power though lies in our words. I say that because it is our words that provide a bold affirmation of our innermost thoughts. They are a confirmation to the world of how we see others, our lives and ourselves. It is this powerful affirmation that our words provide which enables our thoughts to manifest into a reality. So the question tonight is, “If our words are that which creates our reality, then why do we choose to misuse our most powerful asset?” Why do we choose to not utilize to the fullest our most powerful resource? Why are we not using our words to our advantage? The Christians that The Apostle James wrote to were apparently having serious problems with their tongue. I say this because prior to chapter 3, James dealt loosely with the issue of the tongue. He warned them (1:19) to be “swift to hear, slow to speak…” He also told them (1:26) that, “if any man seem to be religious but can not bridle his tongue his religion is in vain”. However, James had to readdress this issue of the tongue because these believers were not watching their words. • ONE OF OUR PRIMARY OBJECTIVE IN LIFE SHOULD BE WATCHING OUR WORDS… The Apostle Paul put it like this, he said, “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it might minister grace unto the hearers”. Eph.4: 29 I’ve discovered that people will remember the things that YOU SAY just as long they are not longer than the things that YOU DO! Why? Because words are a powerful tool. WORDS CAN HEAL YOU BUT AT THE SAME TIME THEY CAN HURT YOU. WORDS CAN GIVE YOU LIFE AND THEN THEY CAN TAKE YOUR LIFE AWAY. WORDS CAN LIFT YOU UP…AND THEY CAN LET YOU DOWN. WORDS CAN MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A HERO…AND WORDS CAN MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A ZERO! James, in this third chapter has a lot to say about the power of the tongue. James says that the tongue has: 1. THE POWER TO DICTATE LIFE vv 1-4 “If anyone can control his tongue, it proves that he has perfect control over himself in every other way. 3 We can make a large horse turn around and go wherever we want by means of a small bit in his mouth. And a tiny rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot wants it to go, even though the winds are strong.” James speaks metaphorically of the power of the tongue. In fact he likens the tongue to a “rudder” on a boat or a “bit” in a horse’s mouth. What’s interesting is both the rudder and the bit are much smaller than the ship and the horse, but they give direction to both! Our tongue has the power to direct/dictate our lives! The boat as well as the horse travel in the direction of the bit and the rudder, similarly our lives travel in the direction of our lips! Where Do You Want Your Life To Go? Where Do You Want Your Finances To Go? Where Do You Want Your Relationships To Go? 2. THE POWER TO DESTROY LIFE vv 5-6a “So also the tongue is a small thing, but what enormous damage it can do. A great forest can be set on fire by one tiny spark. And the tongue is a flame of fire.” Again James uses another metaphor to describe the tongue. This time he likens the tongue to a “spark” or “flame”. Prov.18:21 - “Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose”. Michael Richards – Actor on Seinfeld. His tongue killed his career. During a live show in 2006, he was heckled in a club and hurdled racial slurs at an African American man and his career was over. Paula Deen – Built a cooking empire. She was featured on Top Chef, Master Chef, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, but in 2012, her tongue killed her career. In her testimony, when asked if she ever used the N-Word she said, “Yes, of course”. 3. THE POWER TO DEFILE LIFE v.6 [Mat.15:18] “…It is full of wickedness, and poisons every part of the body. And the tongue is set on fire by hell itself and can turn our whole lives into a blazing flame of destruction and disaster.” James says one more thing about the power of the tongue; he says that it has the power to “defile” us! Our words can change how we are viewed! How can we tame the tongue? We Need To T.H.I.N.K Before We Speak Before we speak, we should ask ourselves, “Is what we are about to say…” Truthful – Prov. 6:16,17; Eph. 4:15 Helpful – Eph. 4:29 Inspiring – Prov. 18:21 Necessary – I Pet. 3:10 Kind - Ph. 4:8
“Building Better From The Inside Out” Creating An Avenue To Trust Again Have you ever met someone with serious trust issues? Of course this is a rhetorical question, because the truth of the matter is all of us have! In fact someone listening to me tonight may be dealing with your own set of trust issues right now. DISTRUST IS SOMETHING THAT AFFECTS US ALL. DISTRUST by definition, is the confident expectation that another individual’s motives, intentions, and behaviors are sinister and harmful to one’s own interests. It is to regard with doubt or suspicion. Distrust naturally prompts us to take steps to reduce our vulnerability in an effort to protect our interests and more importantly to protect ourselves. Accordingly, our distrust of others is likely to evoke a competitive (as opposed to a cooperative) environment that stimulates and exacerbates conflict. There are two kinds of distrust I want to speak briefly on this evening… FUNCTIONAL VERSUS DYSFUNCTIONAL DISTRUST FUNCTIONAL DISTRUST. By in large distrust is generally regarded as something that is patently harmful, however it should be pointed out that THERE ARE VALUABLE BENEFITS OF HAVING SOME LEVELS OF DISTRUST. I think its safe to say that all of us have had experiences where we’ve misjudged another as credible and trustworthy, only to find ourselves being exploited by our bad judgment. Hence, in those cases, distrust could have been a valuable mechanism in preventing us from falling prey to naïve views of people that allowed us to be blind to clues of their untrustworthiness (and thus making us willing co-conspirators to our own exploitation). A certain level of distrust allows us to set boundaries around another’s behavior in a way that limits their freedom, yet permits functional interaction. For instance, I trust my teenager to spend the weekend with her friends, but I would not trust my teenager to travel to Europe with her friends. You may trust a friend to walk your dog, but not trust them with a key to your home that would allow them enter any time they chose to. A HEALTHY DOSE OF DISTRUST CAN ACTUALLY BE BENEFICIAL 1 Timothy 5:22 (NKJV) Do not lay hands on anyone hastily, nor share in other people's sins; keep yourself pure. Psalm 146:3 (NRSV) Do not put your trust in princes, in mortals, in whom there is no help. Proverbs 28:26 (AMP) He who leans on, trusts in, and is confident of his own mind and heart is a [self-confident] fool, but he who walks in skillful and godly Wisdom shall be delivered. DYSFUNCTIONAL DISTRUST. However, distrust can lead to adverse effects as well. Dysfunctional distrust is associated with suspicion, skepticism, a lack of cooperation, lowered satisfaction and possibly even retribution and actively hostile behavior. Taken to its extreme, distrust can give birth to paranoia -- the baseless or excessive suspicion of the motives of others. Dysfunctional Distrust causes parties to reduce their willingness to share information and engage in effective problem solving in conflict situations. Dysfunctional Distrust can also cause conflicts to escalate to the point of intractability, as positions harden and the parties become increasingly reluctant to yield concessions. Dysfunctional Distrust creates and atmosphere where every person is potentially a suspect and every activity is potentially suspicious The negative emotion which emerges with Dysfunctional Distrust---fear, suspicion and anger—often time causes one party to vilify and demonize the other party. This view becomes especially damaging when the parties use these perspectives of each other to justify retaliatory actions that cause the conflict to escalate out of control. HOWEVER THERE IS A WAY TO CREATE A PATHWAY FOR TRUST While many of us are taught to project an image of success, perfection, and strength, I believe there’s much to be gained from owning and even sharing our weaknesses or vulnerabilities [2 Cor. 12:9-11]. By acknowledging our vulnerability, we can actually empower ourselves and learn to connect with others more authentically. However, when we put up emotional walls and defenses, we actually block ourselves from fully experiencing life. Yes, I’ll be the first to admit that trusting people can end in emotional pain, but without being willing TO TAKE THE RISK TO TRUST, you might miss out on some of life's greatest joys. Facing Trust Issues Let’s face it, if you have trust issues because you’ve been let down by people close to you in the past: You may be projecting A NEGATIVE ENERGY onto those around you. You may be unintentionally closing yourself off from others with good intentions—people who genuinely want to form connections with you. You may be walking around with a sign on your forehead that “stay away no trespassing” If you feel that you are just waiting for someone around you to let you down or stop liking you, then you may NOT be healed from trust issues. When we fail to give others a fair chance and are expecting others to make mistakes or hurt us, we can fall into a self-fulfilling prophecy. By pushing those who may be healthy influences away, you may even be reinforcing the erroneous belief that the world is a scary, dangerous place filled with people meant to do you harm. HOW DO WE CREATE AN AVENUE FOR TRUST? 7 WAYS TO REBUILD TRUST 1. GET CLARITY When a betrayal happens, it feels cataclysmic! Emotions are fragile, fingers are pointed, and a war of sorts ensues. But no event that big is born in a vacuum. Things happen for a reason. After the dust settles seek to gain clarity. Was there something that should have been addressed, but ignored instead? Seek to find out what happened and why. Yes, you are going to be angry, no doubt, but if you want to reconcile, you must listen. The answers will often reveal the toxicity that was poisoning the relationship prior to The Event. Please understand the betrayal probably was THE SYMPTOM, not the actual PROBLEM. PROVERBS 4:7 (ESV) The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom, and whatever you get, get insight. 2. DISCOVER THE MOTIVATION People do things for different reasons. Usually, those reasons are significant and rational [to the person doing them]. The violator might feel hurt, lonely, and/or unappreciated. He/She may have developed an unhealthy (unspiritual) connection with an outsider and innocence quickly morphed into inappropriateness. Trying to discover motive can be painful process because it requires an introspective and a retrospective examination of the relationship. ICor.11:28 “But let a man examine himself…” 3. ASSESS THE VALUE OF THE RELATIONSHIP How valuable is the relationship to you? Once the dust settles after the infidelity, the fight, the disagreement, etc. Ask yourself these three (3) questions: 1) Does my interaction with this person have greater value than what happened? 2) Am I willing to put in the work to get through this crisis? 3) Do I honestly feel this will be a reoccurring issue? 4. FIND A SUPPORT SYSTEM In some instances, regaining trust and working through the complexities of a relationship might be too difficult of a challenge on your own. In that case, leaning on a support group will be required. With trusted voices and/or a trained professional, you can address issues you might not otherwise be able to do sitting at home, trying to talk it out or battle it out alone. OUTSIDE HELP IS AN INVALUABLE TOOL. You’ll learn how to navigate the rockiest of roads. And this is exactly what you need at a fragile juncture such as the one with which you are dealing. 5. GIVE IT TIME Anyone who’ve ever experienced a broken bone will tell you that even after successful surgery, it will take weeks—even months before healing takes place! Unfortunately, betrayal is not like a broken bone in the body. It’s much worse. To mend a broken heart requires the surgical touch of the Holy Spirit. And even with that it will require time. If you’re committed to making your relationship work, patience is crucial. You’re going to be nursing anger, sadness, disbelief, insecurity, maybe some even shame. Take it one loving step at a time. Eventually healing with happen. 6. BE TRANSPARENT Like a perfectly see-through glass window! In order to regain trust, the guilty party needs to be absolutely transparent. The betrayed cannot think for a minute that there are any secrets. SECRECY IS THE INCUBATOR FOR SIN. The benefit of hitting a “relational rock-bottom” is that things can’t get any lower! Concentrate on the 3T’s: Transparency Transference Talking 7. DON’T KEEP BRINGING UP THE EVENT! When you arrive at the point where you’ve picked up most of the debris, rebuilt your lives, and feel like you can move on, move on. That means, do not keep bringing up what happened. That will only serve to re-open the wound. Imagine severely cutting yourself. You get multiple stitches, and get it bandaged up. Instead of letting it heal, you keep taking off the bandage, and ripping off the stitches, just to look at the damage. Ouch! If you truly want your relationship to become solid again, put the affair in the past, and leave it there. Learn from what happened, make the necessary adjustments, then proceed onward. Talking about it ad nauseam will only keep the pain alive.
“Building Back Better From The Inside Out” Finding A Pathway For Forgiveness Matthew 18:21-22 (ESV) Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times”. If you’re like most people, the very thought of you forgiving an enemy or a person who has wronged you probably makes you feel extremely uneasy. However, this doesn’t make you a bad person—actually it just makes you human. I say that because forgiveness is not easy. Forgiveness is difficult in part because evolution has endowed us with the psychological motivation to avoid being exploited by others, and one of the easiest ways to prevent exploitation is TO HIT BACK or simply AVOID THE EXPLOITER. Therefore, any discussion of forgiveness must begin by thinking carefully about the desire for retaliation. Retaliation, including the violent kind, is perhaps nature’s most common conflict resolution mechanism. It is widespread throughout the animal kingdom, and its evolutionary function is basically to even the score by reversing any gains that might have been made by the aggressor. When we have been wronged the first thought that comes to mind is paying the person back. We want revenge! GETTING REVENGE [MOVIE, “I’M GONNA GET YOU SUCKA”] Revenge is an extreme form of retaliation that is meant to cause suffering for its own sake, and in most cases it tends to be out of proportion with the initial wrongdoing. Meaning, vengeful acts tend to be escalated over and above than the initial wrongdoing i.e. ”you hit me with a fist, therefore I’m cutting you with a knife” • HOWEVER THE BIBLE SPEAKS AGAINST SEEKING REVENGE: Romans 12:17-21 (ESV) - Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Proverbs 20:22 (ESV) - Do not say, “I will repay evil”; wait for the LORD, and he will deliver you. Leviticus 19:18 (ESV) - You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against the sons of your own people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the LORD. Deuteronomy 32:35 (ESV) - Vengeance is mine, and recompense, for the time when their foot shall slip; for the day of their calamity is at hand, and their doom comes swiftly.’ Proverbs 24:29 (ESV) - Do not say, “I will do to him as he has done to me; I will pay the man back for what he has done.” INSTEAD OF BEING VENGEFUL, THE ALTERNATIVE IS TO PRACTICE FORGIVENESS! WHETHER you believe it or not forgiveness is possible. In fact, the Lord promises that forgiveness is possible. Even when hurt seems too great to repair, God tells us in His Word: “I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh” [Eze.11:19] We experience a heart of stone when we are too angry, too selfish, or too frozen by the pain that others have caused us. A heart of flesh, while it may be vulnerable, it is compassionate. The heart of flesh allows us to eventually move beyond the hurt and to rid ourselves of the emotional baggage, which may be weighing us down, and holding us back. How Do I Forgive? RETHINK YOUR DEFINITION OF FORGIVENESS You might think that forgiveness is about: Condoning what the other person did Giving in Turning the other cheek Pretending that nothing happened or that it really wasn’t such a big deal Admitting that your anger isn’t justified or that you’re not entitled to it Forcing yourself to again deal with someone that you really don’t want to deal with again If so, then you’re probably going to very reluctant to forgive, and with good reason. Instead try changing your definition of forgiveness to the following: Forgiveness is about freeing up and putting to better use the energy that is being consumed by holding on to grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing old wounds. Forgiveness is about moving on. Forgiveness is about choosing serenity and happiness over righteous anger and loathing. Forgiveness is about refusing to replay past hurts in your mind repeatedly, like a broken record. Forgiveness is about realizing that being angry and bitter all the time is not serving me well. Forgiveness is about giving ME (the not offender) a clean slate. RID YOURSELF OF THE EXCUSES NOT TO FORGIVE For many people not forgiving provides them with an excuse for everything else that’s going wrong in their life! They use the fact that so-and-so did this-or-that to them to explain why they can’t achieve certain life goals. In their mind if only that hadn’t happened to them, then their life would be much better than it is. That is, they use the hurt that they experienced to get off the hook. If they forgive and heal, then they’re out of an excuse. Stop telling yourself that because certain things happened to you in the past, you can’t have what you want in the present or in the future. Instead, take responsibility for getting on with your life, in spite of anything anyone may have done to you. The Victim Mentality - People who have a “victim mentality” have usually suffered through trauma or hard times, but haven’t developed a proper way to cope. As a result, they develop a negative view of life. Because they don’t think anything is their fault, they have little or no sense of responsibility for their life. Everything just happens to them. REMEMBER YOU’VE NEEDED FORGIVENESS YOURSELF Most people who are struggling with forgiveness are isolating their struggle to a specific and/or an immediate offense. In the moment, most people fail to realize at many points in their life the role was reversed, and they were the ones who needed forgiving. CR. MATT.18: 23-35 – THE UNFORGIVING STEWARD He could not pay so he begged for mercy – and the king cancelled the debt. The man then met a fellow servant who owned him a hundred denarii. The man demanded payment and had his fellow servant thrown in prison when he could not pay. Ecclesiastes 7:20 (ESV) - Surely there is not a righteous man on earth who does good and never sins. Romans 3:23 (ESV) - for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God… 1 John 1:8-10 (ESV) - If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us. Isaiah 53:6 (ESV) - All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned—every one—to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all.
Building Back Better from the Inside Out “Find A Network of Faithful Supporters” 2 Samuel 21 :15-22 15 Once again there was a battle between the Philistines and Israel. David went down with his men to fight against the Philistines, and he became exhausted. 16 And Ishbi-Benob, one of the descendants of Rapha, whose bronze spearhead weighed three hundred shekels and who was armed with a new sword, said he would kill David. 17 But Abishai son of Zeruiah came to David’s rescue; he struck the Philistine down and killed him. Then David’s men swore to him, saying, “Never again will you go out with us to battle, so that the lamp of Israel will not be extinguished.” As we continue to examine our theme for the year, building back better, I would like to reiterate what pastor has suggested, that the best way to build back better is to implement a particular strategy, that strategy being to rebuild from within. • Our primary concern when rebuilding spiritually is too always begin from the inside out, and not from the outside in. Anyone can build exterior walls, but interior walls take a lot more effort and detail. Pastor has begun the building process by suggesting 10 helpful tips that he introduced initially to us the last time we were here. 1. Acknowledge the need to be built back better 2. Find a network of faithful supporters 3. Find the pathway for forgiveness 4. Create an avenue to trust again 5. Practice positive self-talk 6. Create a system for maintaining progress 7. Place limitations on self-pity 8. Learn the lesson and purpose not to repeat it 9. Discern what you can’t live with …decide what you can’t live without 10. Focus on living This evening, I would like for us to focus on the second step of these 10 principles, which is…Find A Network of Faithful Supporters. • Having supporters is a very powerful thing! First let us consider the idea of support.: what is the meaning of support? Support can mean several things: As a VERB support means to: 1. To bear all or part of the weight of; to hold up, to prop up, to keep up, to brace, to reinforce. 2. To give assistance to, especially financially; to enable to function or act, to aid, to assist, to contribute to, to give money to. 3. To uphold or to back up the truth of; corroborate, to give force to, to bear out. As a NOUN support means: 1. a thing that bears the weight of something or keeps it upright, a base, a pillar or post. 2. material assistance, maintenance, sustenance 3. a person/s who helps with any given tasks Although the word “support” does not appear in the scriptures as a word, it is FOUND here as an idea or concept. For example In Scripture we see God as the POWERFUL support Psalm 55:22 Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken. Isaiah 40:29-31 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 41:10 so do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. 2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. In Scripture we see friendship as a NEEDFUL support Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. 2 Corinthians 1:4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. In Scripture we see relationships as HELPFUL support Exodus 17:12 When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset. Galatians 6:2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ. Romans 15:1-3 We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves. 2 Each of us should please our neighbors for their good, to build them up. 3 For even Christ did not please himself but, as it is written: “The insults of those who insult you have fallen on me.” Sunantilambanomai is a Greek word that corresponds to our English word support. It means to take hold at the side, to take a share in, generally to help - properly, to give assistance with full initiative – supplying help that exactly corresponds to the need. The simplest meaning of the word is “to help” or “to assist” there are literally only two places where the word is translated help. Luke 10:40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” Romans 8:26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. In other words, support is not something that we can conjure up on our own, we need a supporting cast. The need for help is something we all crave, and at times we fail to ask for it. We tend to make our own way, and so asking for assistance is at times foreign to us. And we develop the idea that we can make on our own. However, if you were to reflect on our own lives; someone, somewhere at some time helped us in some small insignificant way. Be it a parent, aunt, uncle, cousin, friend, foe, teacher, principal, counsel, employer, coworker etc. They came to our aid at the right time and at the right place offering themselves and their support. This was where David found himself, back in familiar territory, but now. he was older, slower, and not as keen as he use to be. He was no longer the giant slayer he once was full of vigor and vitality. His strength and stemma were now fading. David was once again on the battle. The Israel and the Philistines were at war. And so, David with his men went out to fight against this familiar foe. It was the Philistines again, but this time, it was against Goliath’s brother, his three cousins and the rest of the Philistine’s Army. And although many years had passed there was still some bitterness over the death of Goliath of Gath which his family had never forgotten. However, this time it was different David went out with his men but as the battle drew on, according to the text David “became exhausted”. And he was almost slain by one of the descendants of Rapha, a giant by the named of Ishbi-be-nob. How can you and I survive the onslaught of life when it keeps coming at us to the point of exhaustion? I believe that David had what everyone of us needs at times when we are exhausted, and that is a Network of faithful supporters or a supporting cast. Key people who play very significant roles in our lives. There were several men that came to David’s aid four to be exact. 1. Abishai (Gift of God) 2. Sibbecai (God intervenes) 3. Elhanan (God is gracious) 4. Jonathan (God has given) This network of faithful supporters will support you in four ways: 1. When you need resources, they are there to equip you. 2. When things get too difficult for you to handle, they are there to help you. 3. When you are spiritually depleted, they are there to sufficiently assist you 4. When you are discouraged, they are there to motive you. How do we develop a faithful support system in the church? 1. By joining a ministry where your gifts can be augmented. 2. By becoming part of a prayer group belonging to that ministry. 3. By keeping yourself accountable to others within the ministry. 4. By always being willing to give of yourself (time, talent, treasure & temple) to ministry endeavors.
“Building Better From The Inside Out” Acknowledging The Need To Be Better Psalms 51:1-3 “Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy loving-kindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me.” As we continue examining our theme for the year, “BUILDING BACK BETTER”, I want to suggest tonight that the best way to implement that particular strategy, is by building back from the inside out. The Primary Concern When Reconstructing Must Be Our Internal Not Our External. A Fractured Person Whose Focus is External, Is Like Putting A Band-Aid On A Bullet Wound. To that end, over the next several weeks I want to share 10 WAYS TO HELP BUILD BETTER FROM THE INSIDE OUT. 1) ACKNOWLEDGE THE NEED TO BE BUILT BACK BETTER 2) FIND A NETWORK OF FAITHFUL SUPPORTERS 3) FIND PATHWAY FOR FORGIVENESS 4) CREATE AN AVENUE TO TRUST AGAIN 5) PRACTICE POSITIVE SELF TALK 6) CREATE A SYSTEM FOR MAINTAINING PROGRESS 7) PLACE LIMITATIONS ON SELF-PITY 8) LEARN THE LESSON AND PURPOSE NOT TO REPEAT IT 9) DISCERN WHAT YOU CAN’T LIVE WITH…DECIDE WHAT YOU CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT 10) FOCUS ON LIVING This evening I would like to focus on the first of these 10 steps, which is ACKNOWLEDGING THE NEED TO BE REBUILT BETTER. • “Acknowledge” - acknowledgment is very powerful! Yāḏa‘: A verb meaning to know. to learn to perceive to discern to experience to confess, to consider to know people relationally to know how to be skillful to be made known to make oneself known to make to know The simple meaning, “to know”, is its most common translation out of the eight hundred or more uses of the word “yāḏa” in the Bible. One of the primary uses of the word however, means to know INTIMATELY, RELATIONALLY, and EXPERIENTIALLY: Genesis 4:1 - The word yāḏa is used in an INTIMATE CONTEXT. - “Adam KNEW Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain and said, I have gotten a man from the Lord.” Genesis 29:4-6 - The word yāḏa is used in a RELATIONAL CONTEXT - “And Jacob said unto them, my brethren, whence be ye? And they said, of Haran are we. And he said unto them, KNOW ye Laban the son of Nahor? And they said, we KNOW him. And he said unto them, is he well? And they said, He is well: and, behold, Rachel his daughter cometh with the sheep. Exodus 1:7-8 - The word yāḏa is used in an EXPERIENTIAL CONTEXT - “And the children of Israel were fruitful, and increased abundantly, and multiplied, and waxed exceeding mighty; and the land was filled with them. Now there arose up a new king over Egypt, which KNEW not Joseph”. ONE OF ITS MOST IMPORTANT USES IS DEPICTING GOD’S KNOWLEDGE OF PEOPLE: GOD KNOWS THE SUFFERING OF HIS PEOPLE - Ex.3:7 – And the LORD said, I have surely seen the affliction of my people which are in Egypt, and have heard their cry by reason of their taskmasters; for I know their sorrows. GOD KNOWS THE ESSENCE OF HIS PEOPLE - 2 Samuel 7:18-20 (KJV) Then went King David in, and sat before the LORD, and he said, Who am I, O Lord GOD? And what is my house that thou hast brought me hitherto? And this was yet a small thing in thy sight, O Lord GOD; but thou hast spoken also of thy servant's house for a great while to come. And is this the manner of man, O Lord GOD? And what can David say more unto thee? For thou, Lord GOD, knowest thy servant. GOD KNOWS THE THOUGHTS OF HIS PEOPLE - Psalm 139:1-4 (KJV) O LORD, thou hast searched me, and known me. Thou knowest my down sitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off. Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, thou knowest it altogether. GOD KNOWS THE ACTIVITY OF HIS PEOPLE - Hosea 5:1-3 (NIV) "Hear this, you priests! Pay attention, you Israelites! Listen, O royal house! This judgment is against you: You have been a snare at Mizpah, a net spread out on Tabor. The rebels are deep in slaughter. I will discipline all of them. I know all about Ephraim; Israel is not hidden from me. Ephraim, you have now turned to prostitution; Israel is corrupt. I wanted to begin with a thorough understanding of the word “acknowledgment”, because a part of the problem we experience as a relates to SELF HEALING/ BUILDING BACK BETTER, is that so many of us never acknowledge the injury. We never acknowledge the trauma. We never acknowledge the terrorism. We never acknowledge the disruption. • THE FAILURE TO ACKNOWLEDGE IS LIKE BUILDING A HOUSE ON A FRACTURED FOUNDATION Acknowledgement is linked to “Identifying The Problem”. Many times a person going through recovery would be asked, “What is your problem?” and the typical response might be, “Well I’m struggling with a drug addiction” or they’ll say, “my problem is alcohol abuse”. But in reality drugs and or alcohol are really not the problem! The drugs and alcohol are ways in which the individual is choosing to solve the problem! The question is... WHAT ARE THE INTERNAL CONDITIONS THAT’S CAUSING YOU TO DO WHAT YOU’RE DOING? THE PROMBLEM IS… The breakup / divorce has left me scarred I’m wrestling with my sexual identity I’m battling against a spirit of heaviness/ depression I don’t have good financial management skills I’m constantly struggling with insecurities I’m struggling with abandonment issues I’m traumatized by an abusive situation I succumb easily to the pressure of my peers I judge myself by unrealistic expectations I’m often stagnated by the fear of failure I’m being haunted by the mistakes of my past I’m struggling with forgiving myself and others In the 51st number of Psalm, David has a desire to be built back better. After he appeals to God based on God’s loving-kindness and tender mercies, He then makes an “acknowledgement”. He says, “…For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me.” What makes this acknowledgment of David so powerful is that he is keenly aware that it is his own conduct that has caused the complications in his life! – V.V. 2, 3 - David uses the phrase “my sin” – V.V. 1, 3 - David uses the phrase “my transgressions“ – V.4 - David said, “I sinned and done this evil in thy sight” 4 TRUISMS ABOUT ACKNOWLEDGMENT: o Acknowledgment is NOT a sign of weakness o Acknowledgment speaks of thorough assessment of self o Acknowledgment speaks of a desire to move beyond where you are o Acknowledgment is the first step to being build back better
