Building Back Better From the Inside Out

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Building Back Better From the Inside Out

Creating An Avenue to Trust Again

February 9, 2022 • Pastor Arthur Jackson III

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“Building Better From The Inside Out”
Creating An Avenue To Trust Again

Have you ever met someone with serious trust issues?

Of course this is a rhetorical question, because the truth of the matter is all of us have! In fact someone listening to me tonight may be dealing with your own set of trust issues right now. DISTRUST IS SOMETHING THAT AFFECTS US ALL.

 DISTRUST by definition, is the confident expectation that another individual’s motives, intentions, and behaviors are sinister and harmful to one’s own interests. It is to regard with doubt or suspicion.

Distrust naturally prompts us to take steps to reduce our vulnerability in an effort to protect our interests and more importantly to protect ourselves. Accordingly, our distrust of others is likely to evoke a competitive (as opposed to a cooperative) environment that stimulates and exacerbates conflict. There are two kinds of distrust I want to speak briefly on this evening…

FUNCTIONAL VERSUS DYSFUNCTIONAL DISTRUST

FUNCTIONAL DISTRUST. By in large distrust is generally regarded as something that is patently harmful, however it should be pointed out that THERE ARE VALUABLE BENEFITS OF HAVING SOME LEVELS OF DISTRUST.

I think its safe to say that all of us have had experiences where we’ve misjudged another as credible and trustworthy, only to find ourselves being exploited by our bad judgment. Hence, in those cases, distrust could have been a valuable mechanism in preventing us from falling prey to naïve views of people that allowed us to be blind to clues of their untrustworthiness (and thus making us willing co-conspirators to our own exploitation).

 A certain level of distrust allows us to set boundaries around another’s behavior in a way that limits their freedom, yet permits functional interaction.
 For instance, I trust my teenager to spend the weekend with her friends, but I would not trust my teenager to travel to Europe with her friends.

 You may trust a friend to walk your dog, but not trust them with a key to your home that would allow them enter any time they chose to.

 A HEALTHY DOSE OF DISTRUST CAN ACTUALLY BE BENEFICIAL

 1 Timothy 5:22 (NKJV)
Do not lay hands on anyone hastily, nor share in other people's sins; keep yourself pure.

 Psalm 146:3 (NRSV)
Do not put your trust in princes, in mortals, in whom there is no help.

 Proverbs 28:26 (AMP)
He who leans on, trusts in, and is confident of his own mind and heart is a [self-confident] fool, but he who walks in skillful and godly Wisdom shall be delivered.

DYSFUNCTIONAL DISTRUST. However, distrust can lead to adverse effects as well. Dysfunctional distrust is associated with suspicion, skepticism, a lack of cooperation, lowered satisfaction and possibly even retribution and actively hostile behavior. Taken to its extreme, distrust can give birth to paranoia -- the baseless or excessive suspicion of the motives of others.

 Dysfunctional Distrust causes parties to reduce their willingness to share information and engage in effective problem solving in conflict situations.

 Dysfunctional Distrust can also cause conflicts to escalate to the point of intractability, as positions harden and the parties become increasingly reluctant to yield concessions.

 Dysfunctional Distrust creates and atmosphere where every person is potentially a suspect and every activity is potentially suspicious

The negative emotion which emerges with Dysfunctional Distrust---fear, suspicion and anger—often time causes one party to vilify and demonize the other party. This view becomes especially damaging when the parties use these perspectives of each other to justify retaliatory actions that cause the conflict to escalate out of control.

HOWEVER THERE IS A WAY TO CREATE A PATHWAY FOR TRUST

While many of us are taught to project an image of success, perfection, and strength, I believe there’s much to be gained from owning and even sharing our weaknesses or vulnerabilities [2 Cor. 12:9-11]. By acknowledging our vulnerability, we can actually empower ourselves and learn to connect with others more authentically. However, when we put up emotional walls and defenses, we actually block ourselves from fully experiencing life. Yes, I’ll be the first to admit that trusting people can end in emotional pain, but without being willing TO TAKE THE RISK TO TRUST, you might miss out on some of life's greatest joys.

Facing Trust Issues

Let’s face it, if you have trust issues because you’ve been let down by people close to you in the past:
 You may be projecting A NEGATIVE ENERGY onto those around you.
 You may be unintentionally closing yourself off from others with good intentions—people who genuinely want to form connections with you.
 You may be walking around with a sign on your forehead that “stay away no trespassing”
If you feel that you are just waiting for someone around you to let you down or stop liking you, then you may NOT be healed from trust issues. When we fail to give others a fair chance and are expecting others to make mistakes or hurt us, we can fall into a self-fulfilling prophecy. By pushing those who may be healthy influences away, you may even be reinforcing the erroneous belief that the world is a scary, dangerous place filled with people meant to do you harm.
HOW DO WE CREATE AN AVENUE FOR TRUST?

7 WAYS TO REBUILD TRUST

1. GET CLARITY

When a betrayal happens, it feels cataclysmic! Emotions are fragile, fingers are pointed, and a war of sorts ensues. But no event that big is born in a vacuum. Things happen for a reason. After the dust settles seek to gain clarity. Was there something that should have been addressed, but ignored instead?
Seek to find out what happened and why. Yes, you are going to be angry, no doubt, but if you want to reconcile, you must listen. The answers will often reveal the toxicity that was poisoning the relationship prior to The Event.

Please understand the betrayal probably was THE SYMPTOM, not the actual PROBLEM.

 PROVERBS 4:7 (ESV)
The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom, and whatever you get, get insight.

2. DISCOVER THE MOTIVATION

People do things for different reasons. Usually, those reasons are significant and rational [to the person doing them]. The violator might feel hurt, lonely, and/or unappreciated. He/She may have developed an unhealthy (unspiritual) connection with an outsider and innocence quickly morphed into inappropriateness.
Trying to discover motive can be painful process because it requires an introspective and a retrospective examination of the relationship.

 ICor.11:28 “But let a man examine himself…”

3. ASSESS THE VALUE OF THE RELATIONSHIP

How valuable is the relationship to you? Once the dust settles after the infidelity, the fight, the disagreement, etc. Ask yourself these three (3) questions:

1) Does my interaction with this person have greater value than what happened?
2) Am I willing to put in the work to get through this crisis?
3) Do I honestly feel this will be a reoccurring issue?

4. FIND A SUPPORT SYSTEM

In some instances, regaining trust and working through the complexities of a relationship might be too difficult of a challenge on your own. In that case, leaning on a support group will be required.
With trusted voices and/or a trained professional, you can address issues you might not otherwise be able to do sitting at home, trying to talk it out or battle it out alone. OUTSIDE HELP IS AN INVALUABLE TOOL. You’ll learn how to navigate the rockiest of roads. And this is exactly what you need at a fragile juncture such as the one with which you are dealing.

5. GIVE IT TIME

Anyone who’ve ever experienced a broken bone will tell you that even after successful surgery, it will take weeks—even months before healing takes place!
Unfortunately, betrayal is not like a broken bone in the body. It’s much worse. To mend a broken heart requires the surgical touch of the Holy Spirit. And even with that it will require time.
If you’re committed to making your relationship work, patience is crucial. You’re going to be nursing anger, sadness, disbelief, insecurity, maybe some even shame. Take it one loving step at a time. Eventually healing with happen.

6. BE TRANSPARENT

Like a perfectly see-through glass window! In order to regain trust, the guilty party needs to be absolutely transparent. The betrayed cannot think for a minute that there are any secrets. SECRECY IS THE INCUBATOR FOR SIN.

The benefit of hitting a “relational rock-bottom” is that things can’t get any lower! Concentrate on the 3T’s:
 Transparency
 Transference
 Talking

7. DON’T KEEP BRINGING UP THE EVENT!

When you arrive at the point where you’ve picked up most of the debris, rebuilt your lives, and feel like you can move on, move on. That means, do not keep bringing up what happened. That will only serve to re-open the wound.

Imagine severely cutting yourself. You get multiple stitches, and get it bandaged up. Instead of letting it heal, you keep taking off the bandage, and ripping off the stitches, just to look at the damage. Ouch!
If you truly want your relationship to become solid again, put the affair in the past, and leave it there. Learn from what happened, make the necessary adjustments, then proceed onward. Talking about it ad nauseam will only keep the pain alive.

Building Back Better From the Inside Out

April 6, 2022 • Pastor Arthur Jackson III

BUILDING BACK BETTER FROM THE INSIDE OUT “Place Limitations on Self-Pity” 2 Samuel 12:16-20 Life Is Tough.  Unexpected circumstances constantly arise.  Relationships end leaving us totally devastated.  We are ambushed by the unexpected.  Opportunities for advancement pass us by.  We fall prey to bad choices and poor decisions. There are a plethora of things that don’t go the way we want them to go in life, and when they don’t, it’s natural for us to feel sorry for ourselves and have “Pity-Parties”. Here’s the thing though: It’s OK to feel “down-and-out” for a short period of time as it relates to any one of the aforementioned instances and more. In fact, I believe that it’s important (even necessary) to feel, and even express the emotion of those circumstances instead of holding them in. However, problems arise when we get stuck in self-pity and it becomes our automatic default setting. It’s dangerous for self-pity to be the go-to reaction whenever life hits us hard.  “Self-Pity” - Excessive feelings of sympathy, sorrow and pity toward self in regard to one's own internal and external experiences of suffering. SELF-PITY IS NOT AN EMOTION IN ITSELF IT IS A STATE OF MIND. • WE HAVE TO GUARD OUR MIND Self-pity happens when we focus too much on our own problems and believe that we are the victims of our circumstances. This mental focus however, leads us to feel emotions like sadness, anxiety, depression and most importantly helplessness. Becoming stuck in this mindset means we run the risk of never learning from our mistakes in a positive way. It also stops us from feeling empowered, finding solutions and achieving what we want in the long term. It’s Easy To Fall Into The Trap Of Self-Pity Because Pity Feels Good Self-pity feels good because it validates your experience; it also takes the blame and responsibility off you. In the big picture, self-pity is the outlook of someone who sees himself or herself as the victim and the victim deserves attention, care and comforting. So in a twisted kind of way, self-pity is a very comforting way to look at life and at oneself. It feels safe and some people need time in that stage before they are ready to face the challenges of an unfair world, or taking responsibility for their failures. How Do We Break Out of Self Pity? Give Yourself Permission To Feel The Emotion  Suppressing pain, disappointment and sadness is unhealthy As humans we are meant to feel the whole gamut of emotions. Trying to always remain positive in the midst of a negative situation may mean constantly suppressing our real emotions. Doing that is not good for you nor for others, because those emotions are more than likely to manifest later.  GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO FEEL WHAT YOU ARE REALLY FEELING  EX. - DAVID’S RESPONSE TO GOD’S PUNISHMENT o READ - 2 SAMUEL 12:16-17 BECOME AWARE OF THE AFFECT SELF-PITY IS HAVING ON OTHERS There is a turning point between a healthy feeling of hurt and sadness and moving onto self-pity. And because it feels good to begin with (as I mentioned earlier) it’s easy to miss the turn around. Feeling sorry for yourself not only creates pain for you, but it also has an affect on others too. Although others initially respond to self-pity with empathic concern, the interpersonal effects of on going expressions of self-pity can be detrimental. Individuals that engage in pervasive self-pity may be more likely to be rejected by their peers and may commonly be perceived as complainers.  Think about it, how many people really want to be around a person who is always feeling down? o READ - 2 SAMUEL 12:18-19 REFUSE TO TAKE ON A VICTIM’S MENTALITY  “Victim’s mentality” - is an acquired personality trait in which a person tends to recognize or consider themselves a victim of the negative actions of others, and to behave as if this were the case in the face of contrary evidence of such circumstances. A person with a victim’s mentality typically feels personally victimized by anything that goes wrong, even when the problem, rude behavior or mishap wasn't directed at them. They may or may not show much interest in hearing possible solutions.  Fight To Pull Yourself Out Of It o READ - 2 SAMUEL 12:20 CHANGE THE HIDDEN QUESTION THAT KEEPS YOU STUCK As humans, we ask ourselves questions all the time. In fact, it is the basis of our internal communication. And the answers we receive are based on the quality of the questions. The question victims most often ask themselves is “Why?” “Why is this happening to me?” “Why did she do that?” “Why did he say that to me?” The problem is these are low quality questions. And because our unconscious mind immediately answers those questions, it will give low quality answers. For example: “Because you’re not good enough...” “Because she doesn’t like you” “Because he doesn’t value you.” Any question beginning with “Why” will keep you stuck in your current situation feeling like a victim! Therefore make a decision to banish the word “Why” from your vocabulary and replace it with words like “What”, “How” and “When”. For example: “What can I do to get a different outcome?” “When will I contact her and explain how I feel?” “How can I change the situation?” As you change the quality of your questions, you will notice how much more empowered you feel regardless of the actions of others.

Building Back Better From the Inside Out

March 30, 2022 • Pastor Arthur Jackson III

“Building Better From The Inside Out” Learn The Lesson, So, You Don’t Have to Repeat It! I grew up in an era where children were heavily influenced by the creative genius of Charles M. Schultz. For those of you who aren’t familiar with that name, Schultz was an American cartoonist who was best known for creating the comic strip, “PEANUTS”. His most famous characters are names that I’m sure you’ve heard of:  CHARLIE BROWN, SNOOPY, LINUS, PEPPERMINT PATTY, LUCY, SALLY, MARCIE, PIGPEN, SCHROEDER, AND FRANKLIN One of the most memorable episodes in Peanuts history was the annual SAGA OF THE SWIPE: which of course involved Lucy, Charlie Brown, and that infamous football. This epic drama repeated itself every September for over 50 years and became the paradigm for the uneasy tension between trust and betrayal, hope and despair. To a kid of course, it was the continuous acts of failure that stood out the most. No single act better encapsulated a child’s feeling of powerlessness than Charlie Brown’s failure to kick the football, and I personally felt his frustration and disappointment. No matter how many times Lucy reassured Charlie Brown that she would not swipe the ball away, and no matter how many times she went back on her word, Charlie still chose to engage in the same behavior and ultimately kept paying the same price, over and over again. Charlie Brown constantly found himself torn between the obligatory trust that one should have in a friend, and the foreseeable consequences of trusting Lucy. And unfortunately, it was that conflict which prevented Charlie from learning from the experience and thus repeating that negative pattern. HOWEVER, WE CANNOT BE TOO HARD ON CHARLIE BROWN  We’ve All Had Some “Lucy’s” In Our Lives  There are “professional swipers”. Sometimes, we feel like Charlie Brown—doomed to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again, however there is a way to break the cycle of repeated negative behaviors, and it starts by Learning the Lesson and Purposing Not to Repeat It. Certainly, it goes without saying we must go through life always looking forward, but we must understand our history (look back) to not repeat the mistakes of the past. I have seen too many instances where people continued to pursue wrong courses of action because they did not take the time to think critically about what has happened in the past. “THOSE WHO FAIL TO LEARN FROM HISTORY ARE DOOMED TO REPEAT IT.’ – Sir Winston Churchill ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR MISTAKES WITHOUT FEARING THEM  A healthy recognition of failure helps you grow Trust me, it can be hard to admit failure, but if you run from it, you’ll lose out on the chance to learn from it. Admit the mistake to yourself or the person it affected, so you can re-examine how it happened and do better next time. If facing your errors makes you anxious or frightened, remind yourself of a few things: • Every single person has had lapses in judgment. [e.g., Will Smith/Oscars] • Most failures are temporary setbacks, rather than absolute disasters. • People who achieve great things often had great failures along the way. ACCEPT THAT MISTAKES PLAY AN INVALUABLE ROLE IN YOUR LIFE  Mistakes are both unavoidable and useful  “FAILURE IS NATURE’S CHISEL THAT CHIPS AWAY AT ALL THE EXCES, STRIPPING DOWN EGOS AS IT MOLDS AND SHAPES US THROUGH DIVINE INTENTIONS.” – ANONYMOUS IF we never made mistakes and always avoided failure, we’d be less capable of showing compassion, having empathy, displaying kindness, and achieving great heights. Failure is a stepping-stone. In fact, there are four very powerful life lessons that failure helps to tech and instill in us. 1) Experience – The first important lesson gained from making colossal mistakes is experience. When we go through something and can walk away with firsthand experience, it helps us to develop a deeper understanding for life. 2) Knowledge – Failure brings with it important firsthand knowledge. That knowledge can be harnessed in the future to overcome that very failure that inflicted so much pain in the first place. 3) Resilience – Failing in life helps to build resilience. The more we fail, the more resilient we become. To achieve great success, we must know resilience. 4) Growth – Failure births maturity. Life is designed for us to grow and improve. Like fertilizer on grass, the mistakes we’ve made in life helps us to grow. IDENTIFY BEHAVIORS THAT LEAD TO MISTAKES.  Examine your life for behavior patterns you'd like to work on If you're caught in a loop making the same mistakes over and over, it's probably because you have a “BLIND SPOT” in how you're viewing certain situations and behaving within it. Accidents happen daily because an unsuspecting car was in a driver’s blind spot.  I Cor.11:28 – “But let a man examine himself, and so let him eat of that bread, and drink of that cup.” • Try to face the hidden motivations behind your behavior. • Why are you acting the way you are? • Why are you saying the things you do? • Why are thinking the way you are? GIVE YOURSELF TOOLS TO AVOID REPEATING MISTAKES. I vividly remember after purchasing my first home my father told me I needed to have some tools! He assured me that despite the house being relatively new, that eventually things were going to go wrong, and I needed to have the proper tools to fix them.  We Need Tools to Avoid Making Mistakes You can't just shout at yourself to do better and expect it to magically happen. Approach your difficulties with a realistic mindset and take steps in advance to stop old patterns from playing out again. Learn Your Behavioral Triggers.  Find out what triggers your behavior and adapt to it Very Few People Go-Off for No Reason at All! What situations or events lead to the behaviors you're unhappy with? Your mistakes don't just appear out of nowhere. They can be encouraged by other people, stressful events, and even little things like missing a meal. Identifying these patterns is the first step toward changing your response to them or preventing them from coming up in the first place. FIND A PARTNER IN SELF-IMPROVEMENT.  Trade encouragement with an accountability partner Someone you can check in with for encouragement can help you stick to your goals once the initial motivation wears off.: • Find someone who is non-judgmental and can give positive reinforcement. • The more seriously you both take it, the more helpful it will be. Choose someone who is willing to commit to scheduled check-ins, and not back out on them. PICK YOURSELF UP AFTER SETBACKS. There are two types of people in this world, people who take failure personally, see it as a permanent situation and give up, and there are people who use it as a lesson, do not take it personally but see it as a temporary setback. Setbacks will happen; what matters is how you respond to them. Changing old habits, unpacking your own trauma, facing your relationship to failure: all of this is valuable work, but it can also be difficult and draining on a bad day. It is completely normal to feel confident and motivated at one moment, and then fall into pessimism and regret. When you do make a mistake again, there are ways to get back on track: • While you're still feeling the negative emotions, seek support from the right people in the right environment—people who won't judge you, and places that won't trigger more negative behaviors. • After you're feeling a bit better, look back at how the setback happened. Maybe something unexpectedly triggered strong emotions in you—work out why, and how you could avoid that next time. • Think about how your coping strategies failed. Is there a way to make them easier or more accessible? • Finally, think about how you handled the setback during the worst of it. Is there a healthier and faster way to get through the dark times?

Building Back Better From the Inside Out

March 16, 2022 • Pastor Arthur Jackson III

“Building Better From The Inside Out” CREATING A SYSTEM TO MAINTAIN PROGRESS Over the past several weeks through the aid of the Holy Spirit, I have endeavored to provide a list of things that could possibly be done for you to build back better from the inside out. I have suggested that we: • Acknowledge the need to be built back better • Find a network of faithful supporters • Find a pathway to forgive • Create an avenue to trust again • Practice positive self talk However, in doing the aforementioned things, it’s important to realize that once we have started making progress, we then need to create A SYSTEM for maintaining it. WHAT ARE SYSTEMS?  Systems are defined as a set of processes, tools, and strategies that all work together to solve a problem or achieve a goal. It’s the steps you take to achieve something. Often, we hear about systems and processes when it comes to businesses. After all, having solid systems in place allows a business to run like a well-oiled machine while making it more streamlined, productive, and profitable. When you eliminate the thinking part as to how to get something done and have a process for similar recurring things — efficiency increases. However, systems and processes are not just for businesses. You can create systems to simplify and streamline your life, too. GOALS VS. SYSTEMS For years conventional wisdom has taught us to achieve success we must be “goal oriented”. We have been taught to set specific and attainable goals.  Goals for making certain grades  Goals of getting into a certain college  Goals of graduating college  Goals of finding a job in our field  Goals of having a family  Goals of being able to retire However, I can attest that in most cases my results had very little to do with the goals I set, but nearly everything to do with the systems I followed. • Every coach enters the season with the same GOAL—to win a championship. The winning coach has a great SYSTEM - good development and recruitment of players, good management of assistant coaches, and productive practices. • Every entrepreneur has a GOAL of building a million-dollar business. The SYSTEM is how you test product ideas, hire employees, and run marketing campaigns. • Every principal has a GOAL of leading an A-School. The SYSTEM however is the hiring of motivated student-leaders, the development of parental involvement, and the creation of a positive learning environment  I Maintain Systems Are More Important Than Goals 1. Winners and losers share goals in common 2. A goal is only a momentary change 3. Goals are at odds with long-term progress 4. Goals restrict happiness The question tonight then becomes, Are goals completely useless? Should we abandon our goals? Of course not! Goals are good for setting a DIRECTION, but systems are best for making PROGRESS! 4 STEPS TO CREATING SYSTEMS FOR YOUR LIFE STEP 1: VISUALIZE TO CREATE SYSTEMS FOR YOUR LIFE, BEGIN BY REFLECTING. Start by thinking about the goals that are most important to you right now. Then, self-audit your day and pinpoint the daily interruptions and distractions you face. Where are you wasting your time and energy? What parts of your day hold you back from achieving your goals? From there, you can begin to decide how you want your days to play out. STEP 2: CATEGORIZE Businesses have a range of systems for all sorts of aspects: marketing, accounting, human resources, and more. The next step is to do the same and create categories for the various aspects of your life. Of course, yours will look much different from a business. Examples include family, work obligations, spiritual growth, and personal development or self-care. STEP 3: SYSTEMIZE Now, for everybody’s favorite part: creating the actual systems. This requires us to think back to the current goals we’re prioritizing in the various categories of our life, and essentially determine the specific activities we’re aiming to systemize and create our own foolproof method for completing them. STEP 4: CUSTOMIZE Our lives move in ebbs and flows. With our goals, priorities, and daily circumstances constantly changing, so will our systems. Never be afraid to adjust your systems! Making tweaks is necessary to continue growing. If something’s no longer working, adjust to it, and create a new one.