Marriage

Ephesians 5 vs 22-33 Study 4

June 11, 2023 • Kristin Coupal, Pastor Jon Coupal • Ephesians 5:22–33

Ephesians 5 vs 22-33 Study 3

June 4, 2023 • Pastor Matt Korniotes • Ephesians 5:22–33

Assembly instructions have come with marriage just like a piece of Ikea furniture. It’s there, in the box, but it begins in pieces. But there’s hope. A little piece of paper that says, this piece goes here and this piece goes there. And if you follow the instructions, you get what you intended to buy…, if not, you have a pile of pieces. Now, sometimes putting that piece of furniture together with your spouse can be…trying, and the tools they give you in the box are just the worst. HA! But nevertheless, follow the instructions, and you’ll get what you want… Ephesians Chapter 5 Verses 25 - 33 In these verses there is essentially only one directive towards husbands, God’s intention for him, us, me…and it’s not only the key but also the only imperative, the must have that God has given to us in designing the family and the home, not to subject us to some sort of life-long hardship but rather to establish us as kingdom men, husbands, fathers and sons. Now, we’ll look at all of what Paul has said, but none of it works or even makes sense unless we understand, accept and apply the one directive. And that must for a husband towards his wife is to love her.   Now, men, we aren’t finished. Because inherent in God’s command/call is also the necessity to seek the Lord. Why? You aren’t going to naturally love your wives and you don’t naturally even know what this love is… And here’s the problem, she does. She’s wired this way. To understand love and to understand and sense when she is loved and when she is not being loved. And so, to figure this out, it’s not “ok let me go love my wife,” unfortunately and frustratingly its far more than that… What we are going to see is that to do these things as God has commanded, requires tremendous determination and as we look at this together, try not to get discouraged, because it’s been said, “Everything is hard until its easy.”   We first need to understand this word. Words are cheap in the English language and I love my car, I love my job, I love a perfectly prepared steak, is that, are those how I should love my wife? (Maybe if you’re Jeffrey Dahmer! HA!) What happens when my car breaks down? When my job gets hard and people make my day cruddy? Still love my job? What happens when the steak is well done? Blasphemy! HA!   In the Greek, there are actually four words for love. And the word used in conversation, what word was used, made all the difference. There’s “storge” which is the word for familial love. The naturally developing affectionate bond between parents, siblings, etc. And that’s an important one because it’s quite special. You don’t quite love anyone the way you love your child. That’s “storge.” Not what we’re talking about in Ephesians Chapter 5.   There’s “phileo.” This is the emotional love between good friends. A brotherly love. This a love founded on, based in and maintained in a give and take type relationship. This love is a response to someone who treats you a certain way. If your friend doesn’t treat you right, you say, “I thought we were friends.” Therefore, this is a “you stop, I stop” love. This is not what we’re talking about in Ephesian Chapter 5.   There’s another word for love that is most popular and prevalent today and that is the Greek word “eros.” Eros is a sensual, romantic, fleshly need type love, and this is the love that we hear of in all the songs, see in all the movies and this is the love that our global society is most, if not only, concerned with. Eros love is basically lust. I have needs, those needs are natural, I want those needs filled, and the filling of my needs is to love and to be loved. This is the love that men very naturally understand… but not the love we’re talking about in Ephesians 5…   This is why “love is love” is absolutely correct. Whether I choose an animal, a tree, or another human to marry, love is most certainly love when we are talking eros. And eros is not mentioned once in the Bible. Hold that thought. The final and fourth word for love in the Greek language is “agape.” This is the highest of the four types of love and truly in the company of the other three words, this one stands alone and one could say that this is the only one we should even call love once you understand what it is. The problem is that we (English language) have one word for the four ideas we’ve learned…   Agape is perfect. God is perfect and 1 John 4:8 says, “God IS love,” and therefore this love is…, perfect. It is pure. Without blemish. Without fail and fallacy. It is unconditional. This is not an emotion at all…, that’s “phileo.” This is not a feeling at all…, that’s “eros.” This is agape and it means “decision, commitment, covenant.” This word for love means discipline and determination. We will build this out but this is the love we are, non-negotiable, to have and to express for and towards our wives. It’s major. And let me tell you men this, “discipline weighs ounces, regret weighs tons, and success is tons of discipline!” This is truly impossible if your focus is on your relationship with her… I believe that’s why Paul points us to Jesus here in Ephesians 5…   Ok, back to an earlier thought for just a moment. This is why “love is love” is correct but it’s also incorrect. In the understanding of the world, “eros is eros” is entirely right! Applaud! Makes sense! Duh! Marry your car! HA! But “love is love,” “eros is agape,” is entirely WRONG because unconditional, commitment love has nothing to do with the filling of fleshly needs/wants love. Totally wrong. In fact, to affirm “eros is agape,” is to make God into some sort of humanistic physical force, which in other words, the flesh. But Jesus said in John 4:24 that “God is Spirit…” So, is eros eros? OF COURSE. Is eros agape? Not even in the same category and to get there, one has to deny God… See the problem? Between the church and the world, same word, different language…   When you take a wife unto yourself, this is the command, key, advice, counsel and non-negotiable that God has directed of His sons. To love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her… The decision of agape, the commitment, the covenant is that no longer are my needs, emotions, thoughts and priorities the aim and goal of my moment, day, or life… But all of those things are now her.   Let’s put this in context… Husbands love your wives just as Christ also loved the church. Who is the church? Its you and its me. So, husbands, love your wives as Jesus loves you. How does Jesus love you? What are the conditions? The only condition is His goodness. What if you never do anything right? Does Jesus still love you? Duh. What if you deny Him over and over again, does Jesus still love you? Duh…   Do the priorities, thoughts, aims and goals of Jesus matter? Absolutely. And these are presented to us in the Word and in our relationship with Him. Is there intense blessing in submitting to Jesus? Absolutely! But, does Jesus love me even if I couldn’t care less about His priorities? Duh. Jesus said to His disciples in Matthew 28:20, “I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” But what if…, there are no what ifs in agape… And this is the single directive of God towards husbands…   All of the problems in your relationship with your wife, if you really think about it, are due to our wives not phileo-ing us or our wives not eros-ing us. If you wrap everything into and around agape, your problems disappear. Romans 5:8 says that while we were yet sinners, God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that He gave His life! Do you know how much God hates sin?   Psalm 7:11 says, “God is angry with the wicked every day!” He sees all my mess, my sin, my mistakes, my rebellion, my attitude, my terrible…all of it…and decides to love me anyway! “I hate what you’re doing but even so I’m going to demonstrate My love towards you.” That is agape and the single call, directive or the husband or the marriage will remain in pieces.   In John 14:21 we read, “He who has My commandments and keeps them, it is he who loves Me. And he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and manifest Myself to him.” There is a direct correlation to love and action. A direct correlation to love and what you DO. Agape love is demonstrated. That is how it is expressed, communicated and carried out. You can look at the cross and see love. Love/agape is always measured in action.   “I tell my wife I love her all the time.” Worthless. That’s respect. You ought to do that as the Bible does say to give honor to your wife, but in the grand scheme of the love she needs and the love we are directed to demonstrate, words on their own are worthless.   Paul writes that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church and Isaiah tells us in chapter 53:5, “He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed.” AND verse 7 says, “He was oppressed and He was afflicted, yet He opened not His mouth; He was led as a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before its shearers is silent, so He opened not His mouth.” That is love and character and grit all wrapped into one…that is husbandry.   Men, husbands, when we say I do what we are vowing to do is to take stripes for the rest of our lives in order to heal our wives. God will work in your wife and change your wife but not without you taking stripes. And Agape expects nothing, asks for nothing and complains about nothing. It just agape’s… This is the love you must decide is the way you are going to love your wives… Here’s why intense, tremendous determination is involved! Big statement: “The quality of your thinking is the ability to determine the long term effects of your current actions.” Paul says in Ephesians 5 that sanctifying and cleansing and washing her with the water of the Word of God, making her a glorious wife without spot or wrinkle or any such things, making your marriage and home holy and without blemish and ultimately being like Christ is nothing but and everything about agape love of the husband toward the wife. She will heal as you take stripes without any expectation of anything in return…   Let’s get ultra practical just for a moment and then we are done. 1 Peter 3:7 says, “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife…” What this means, which is a critical part of agepe-ing your wife is that you are to understand her! Which husband in here can understand his wife? HAHAHAHA! ZERO of us, and so we need help! Who is the greatest help in understanding our wives? OUR WIVES!   But they won’t tell us! HA! SO, what must we do? Study them and ask questions and try things and figure it out. Look, if y’all can be mechanics and figure out that noise when you were making that turn is the CV Boot leaking grease off the CV Axle…, just from a click during a turn, you can learn what your wife does and doesn’t like! What makes her tick! But you’re going to need to study her in order to agape her…   Without knowing what makes her tick, you can’t honor her…, and here is perhaps the most critical demonstration of agape from you to her…, to honor her is to make her feel good about who she is… We MUST do that! You used to do that…, remember, BEFORE you were married! Words won’t do it. Agape does it… And a woman that feels good about who she is, will make you feel good about who you are…, just sayin!   So, do something small every day. Something just for her. And don’t tell her, don’t expect anything in return, just serve her. Empty the dishwasher. Wash her car. Make the bed. Just something like that. Many wives may have a heart attack after today…, HA!   Stop being so boring! Be silly, be funny, do something out of the ordinary a few times a month. Be creative! You were before you got married, what happened? Date her. Make her think during her day, “I can’t wait to be with him.” Give her “me” time away from you and the kids. Letting her unwind and have some time to herself messages to her that she is important…   Do love her with words, but do this during the day…, not just at 10pm when you’re hoping they pay off! HA! No, love her with kindness and with husband type words at 10am and expect nothing in return. Do it simply because this is how you obey God in your marriage.   I know all this sounds difficult but to be a husband that agape’s his wife is to follow Jesus and truer words have not been spoken during our times today than these…, husbandry is the primary way that God is making every married man like Himself. Proverbs 18:22 says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing.” Because this is the primary avenue God is going to work in your life to make you more like Him. And He is awesome. Husbands as you agape her, you’ll be blessed in your relationship with God and your relationship with your wife. This is your only directive…, requires tremendous determination, but it will get good…, everything is hard until its easy! Imagine if this was no longer a burden task, but just simply who you are as a man…, I DEFINITELY want to be that!

Ephesians 5 vs 22-33 Study 2

May 28, 2023 • Pastor Matt Korniotes • Ephesians 5:22–33

Assembly instructions have come with marriage just like a piece of Ikea furniture. It’s there, in the box, but it begins in pieces. But there’s hope. A little piece of paper that says, this piece goes here and this piece goes there. And if you follow the instructions, you get what you intended to buy…, if not, you have a pile of pieces. Now, sometimes putting that piece of furniture together with your spouse can be…trying, and the tools they give you in the box are just the worst. HA! But nevertheless, follow the instructions, and you’ll get what you want… Ephesians Chapter 5 Verses 22 – 24, 33 In these verses there are essentially two directives towards wives, intentions that God had in designing the family and the home, that He has given us not to subject us to some sort of life-long hardship but rather to give us the keys to unlocking His plan for our marriages. There are only two things here and we will spend our time today exploring them.   Submit The directive to submit has been so very damaged and twisted. No wonder. Jesus came and said, “God has said,” but the enemy came and said, “Has God said…” He’s been twisting scriptures since before they were scriptures. Submission is spiritually nothing about human person over person authority and everything about assembly instructions…, everything about love.   Most men, the vast majority and truly all Godly men, we don’t want or need or even truly benefit from submission, what we need and benefit from as a family and truly what we want is support support. One team. One purpose. One Home. For this reason, a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to His wife and the two shall become one. It is the support of one thing that allows the formation of the other. Unless the foundation supports the flooring, there will be no home. Unless the fuel supports the combustion, there will be no acceleration. To submit to your own husband is to formulate a response to faith personally that results in a peace within your home, family and even your husband himself. Wives, as the earthly companion to your husband, he should be able to assume with ease his God given responsibility in the home…   Proverbs 31:10-11, “Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies. The heart of her husband safely trusts her; so, he will have no lack of gain.” A submissive wife is not a mousy wife but rather a life partner that adds to her home and to her husband all the things he has not on his own. Affirmation, stability, construction towards usefulness in the kingdom. God looked at man and said it’s not good for him to be alone. Even in the midst of perfection there was a discouragement in the man as he looked at how each animal had his companion and yet he did not. And so, God gave Eve to Adam to complete him and be his help-mate.   Proverbs 31:12, “She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.” She is not his battle, she is the reason he wins his battles. And together they take on the world which pleases the Father as both His children whom He loves so dearly are sent out two by two to not be discouraged nor destroyed but to be established. Proverbs 31:23, “Her husband is known in the gates,” respected as a judge and leader of men…, because she supports his own growth towards Godliness and she props us his good reputation.   Proverbs 31:26, “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness.” This is the key ingredient in the recipe for support in the home towards your man. Kindness. Kindness is everything. Kindness means you work to center…, you wives initiate and lead the charge towards goodness in your relationship. This is the desire of your husband but he has no idea how to do it, and yet for the wife, this is the greatest and most effective tool you have in your quiver. Men are EASY. Tell us we’re pretty and show us kindness and we will thrive. Proverbs 31:27, “She watches over her household,” takes accountability for the home, and her children and husband call her their biggest blessing and praise. This is all that it is to submit to and support your husband and this is why God has given him, brought him to you. Proverbs 31:30, “A woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.” Your reward of supporting your husband will be that you are celebrated and the pieces come together to make what they were intended to become. This is to submit to your own husband as unto the Lord because all of that comes from fearing the Lord. Which leads us to the second thing, directive two of two towards wives in Ephesians 5.   FEAR In the end of this verse set, this advice, guidance, counsel, design and directive of the Holy Spirit, we read, “Let the wife see that she respects her husband.” This is the only time, out of 93 times, that this word in the Greek is translated as “respect” in all of scripture. The word in the Greek is “phobeo,” which is every other time translated, all 92 other times, as to fear. What on earth are we talking about here?   Is respect an appropriate translation? Absolutely. After we look at this a bit in context of the entirety of scripture, I think “respect” hit the mark well. Other well mark hitters include, “reverence,” and to “treat with deference.” There’s something entirely special and unlike any other the way the wife is to treat the husband. Perhaps better said, the way the husband so desperately desires to be treated by his wife.   Ok, lets look at this word fear. Is it the right word to use here in the Greek? OF COURSE! This is the word of God! So is the wife to fear her own husband. Absolutely! BUT, what does that mean? Scripture really helps us out here and I want to step through a few things that make total sense and really, as a man, as a husband, resonate in my own mind and heart. Just one statement though, wife, are you afraid of your husband suffering? This really is the fear that I believe God is talking about… Do you care, is it something that even sets you to flight, puts you to action, the thought that he’s hurting and you could either turn that hurt off or help him in it? If so, you’re a good wife. And I think that is the foundation of this directive design given to us by God.   What does God mean by wives, a good wife, fears her husband (because that is literally what it says here)? Looking at the other 92 times this word is used in scripture is a huge HUGE help. Let’s start with what it is NOT. It is NOT to fear your husband in some sort of way in terms of hurt, abuse, misuse or domination. 365 times we read in the Bible that we are to “fear not,” and so there is no way God repeated Himself hundreds of times telling us to not be fearful and then turns around and tells wives to be fearful, so we are talking about something else entirely with what is demanded of wives in Ephesians 5.   1 John 4:18 tells us, “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.” And so, we know this fear as wives are to fear their husbands, has nothing to do with torment in anyway towards wives from husbands.   Ok, first stop, and I want to move through these rather quickly, Mark 4:41, “And they feared exceedingly, and said to one another, “Who can this be, that even the wind and the sea obey Him!” To fear your husband is to look for things about him and physically affirm what it is in him that is admirable and wow-ing. Husbands, we love that, and from our wives turns our heart to joy.   Here's another example of that. Mark 5:15, “Then they came to Jesus, and saw the one who had been demon-possessed and had the legion, sitting and clothed and in his right mind. And they were afraid.” They weren’t afraid that Jesus was going to hurt or dominate them here. That’s not why they feared. They feared because they acknowledged His greatness and His power. A good wife will do this often for her husband. (Ladies are you taking notes? If not, what is wrong with you!? HA)   Mark 5:25-34, “Now a certain woman had a flow of blood for twelve years, and had suffered many things from many physicians. She had spent all that she had and was no better, but rather grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came behind Him in the crowd and touched His garment. For she said, “If only I may touch His clothes, I shall be made well.” Immediately the fountain of her blood was dried up, and she felt in her body that she was healed of the [affliction. And Jesus, immediately knowing in Himself that power had gone out of Him, turned around in the crowd and said, “Who touched My clothes?” But His disciples said to Him, “You see the multitude thronging You, and You say, ‘Who touched Me?’” And He looked around to see her who had done this thing. But the woman, fearing and trembling, knowing what had happened to her (that she had been healed), came and fell down before Him and told Him the whole truth. And He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace, and be healed of your affliction.”   Is she afraid in a bad way of Jesus? Absolutely not. She is knowing, acknowledging, seeing, expressing, communicating how He has helped and supported and healed her and that is the emotion, the action of fear here. Wives, you are better for having your husband. What God has brought together, let no man break apart. A good wife takes the time to think through how she has been healed, helped, positively supported, partnershipped by her husband and she hides it in her heart and that creates KINDNESS towards him. And oh, by the way, if you tell him, you’ll heal anything broken in him… This woman told Jesus the WHOLE truth!   Next up, Mark 6:20, “For Herod feared John, knowing that he was a just and holy man, and he protected him. And when he heard him, he did many things, and heard him gladly.” This is a great example of such a wonderful fear from one person towards another. Most wives will receive Biblical counsel and correction from any man except her own husband and that is not only tragic but disastrous to a man’s inner self. When your man prays, teaches, exhorts, and perhaps even corrects, he ought to be treated with deference by his wife. Do you know that your husband is just and holy? See, so much needs to be corrected not in the relationship but in your own heart because if he is a Christian like you, he’s just and he is holy…, or you’re not… And this fear produced a desire to protect John. A good wife is protective of her husband and the first threat is her own sin…that is respect at its finest!   Look at this one…, Mark 10:32, “Now they were on the road, going up to Jerusalem, and Jesus was going before them; and they were amazed (fearful). And as they followed they were afraid. Then He took the twelve aside again and began to tell them the things that would happen to Him.” Let your husband amaze you… Do you know why he doesn’t? Because you take him for granted…   How’d you get here today? In a car, right… First time you rode in a car, amazing…. 10,000th time, not so amazing. What changed? Being a good wife has very little to do with him, doesn’t it? See, we’re scratching on the intent behind Ephesians 5…   A few more, Luke 1:50, “And His mercy is on those who fear Him from generation to generation.” Every man in this room who is a Christian is extremely EXTREMELY merciful…, to those who fear hurting him…   Acts 10:2, “A devout man and one who feared God with all his household, who gave alms generously to the people, and prayed to God always.” A person that is fearful in a great and Godly way is a giving person. Are you giving towards your husband? Good wives are, and without condition…. Enough said there…   Romans 11:20, “Well said. Because of unbelief they were broken off, and you stand by faith. Do not be haughty, but fear.” The opposite of fearfulness is pridefulness. A wife is to not approach her husband with a haughty spirit. There are only a few things that destroy a marriage faster and worse than that. Work towards center. When you argue, argue for the health of the relationship, not for the personal perspective you have… That is to fear…   One final one, Gal 2:12, “For before certain men came from James, he would eat with the Gentiles; but when they came, he withdrew and separated himself, fearing those who were of the circumcision.” This is an interesting use of the word and applicable in context to our discussion today. If you don’t fear your husband in a Godly way, he will fear you in a tragic way. A way that drives you apart. Respect is so important and such a need to a man, and specifically a husband, that to remain in close proximity to someone who doesn’t respect him literally destroys him over and over again in his heart of hearts. So, he will, MUST, withdrawal…   Now, this is a lot, I know…, wives, you’ll need to probably listen to this again, read these notes again, and if you truly desire to honor the Lord in your marriage, well, Paul says here, “Let the wife SEE that she respects her husband,” the result of what you’ve learned today won’t be a feeling, emotion, decision or thought but it will be action that you not only watch for and take inventory of but because you love the Lord and love your husband, these (just like they are to the Lord) are today non-negotiables to you personally. And God is going to richly richly bless your marriage and your family through you because you are now not submitted to your husband, but truly you are submitted and trusting in God. Summary Wives, two directives or the marriage remains in pieces: 1. Submit a.  Be your husband’s greatest support b. Cultivate ease in your husband’s life c.  Affirm and stabilize your husband d. Be the reason he wins his battles e.  Support his good reputation f.   Lead with kindness in your home and work to center g. Watch over and protect your husband 2. Fear a.  Express respect towards your husbands b. Treat your husband with deference c.  Be afraid of your husband suffering d. Look for things about him that wow you e.  Acknowledge the great/powerful things about your husband f.   Be thankful for how he has partnered with you in life g. Don’t take your husband for granted h. Unconditionally Giving i.   Present Humility j.   Respect should be able to be inventoried

Ephesians 5 vs 22-33 Study 1

May 21, 2023 • Pastor Matt Korniotes • Ephesians 5:22–33

Communication about the family and within the family…, both are critically important. My plan is to not necessarily reconstruct the Marriage Series from about five years ago, I think that was for then, its good, and it’s out there for you to go and listen to. Rather for the next three or four weeks I’d like to truly try and understand very very well these final verses of Ephesians Chapter 5. And so, I’ll be trying to communicate well the heart of the Lord and the mind of God in the context of the home, the family and specifically marriage.   Communication is so incredibly important. We have got to work to get it right so that what we are thinking, feeling, saying…, sharing that and working in and through that, we get that right too. It’s like a story I heard once of a man in Illinois. He and his wife had planned a Florida get-away in order to leave the snow covered streets of their state. He was going to go on ahead while his wife was on a business trip and she was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick text. Just setting up his new phone, he hadn’t yet transferred his contacts and so he typed her number in by memory but unfortunately got one of the numbers wrong and his text went to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow read the text, she fell to the floor passed out. At that sound, her family rushed to her and saw the text on her phone. “Dearest wife, I wanted to let you know that I have arrived safely. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow, your loving husband. PS. It sure is hot down here!” HA!   For many or most, marriage is a three-ring circus. First comes the engagement ring, then the wedding ring and then suffering! HA! It’s a challenge for real…, and all you have to do is read the end of Ephesians Chapter 5 to know that! Reading and applying these verses can have you as a husband perhaps in the future there in the cemetery banging on the tombstone and saying, “WHY, why why!? Why did you have to die!?” And someone says, “Oh I’m so sorry you lost your wife.” And he says, “No this is my wife’s first husband!” HA!   It’s a challenge! Marriage is a REAL challenge! But met with understanding and agreement with God, you and I have a 100% chance at being successful at it and even qualifying marriage, the family and the home as the greatest privilege and blessing in all of life other than knowing Jesus personally!   Ephesians Chapter 5 Verses 25 – 33 is the widely and commonly accepted authoritative scripture set on marriage. However, I think that’s entirely problematic. Why? It’s nine verses. Nine verses! Three for wives and seven for husbands (Verse 32 is a shared verse). But that’s it!? Nine verses!? There are 23,145 verses in the Old Testament and 7,957 verses in the New Testament. Look, nine out of 31,102 verses (0.03%) doesn’t give us what we need to know about marriage. Sorry. These verses are clear, to the point, challenging and critical. The problem arises when we jump right to them and hand them out like marching orders. They lack context…   Paul has spent five and three quarters chapters before getting here, and God wrapped over 30,000 truths around these. Context truly is everything. Is the mega-need of the husband respect? Absolutely. A respected man is a delighted man. A man becomes who he is to become in an environment of respect. Is the mega-need of the wife to be loved entirely/securely and without condition? Absolutely. A cherished wife is a delighted wife. We will get to those things for sure and truly they are essential to a Godly and enjoyable home life and marriage relationship. But context is absolutely everything. The central theme of the Book of Ephesians is the work of God. Even the parts that we are instructed to do in the later half of the book, none of them are able to be done without the power of the Holy Spirit and frankly none of them even make sense in the life of someone who is not reborn by the saving power of Jesus Christ. Walk worthy of the calling of Christ in all lowliness, gentleness, longsuffering, bear with one another….? Why!? What’s my motivation in any way to do that if I have no desire to glorify/thank God for what He has done for me in the work of the cross?   And wading into the subject of marriage is a recipe for drowning even in an inch of water without the context of the power, promises and preeminence of God at work, God will work, God has worked, God is working, and God is the worker.   So, for example. Husbands, love your wives… Why? She’s not good to me. Doesn’t respect me. Doesn’t understand me. Doesn’t serve me. Doesn’t value me. Doesn’t appreciate me. So why? You’re right, don’t. BUT, it’s through loving her that God will work. And even now, you can’t see it, you’re not allowed to see it lest you become entirely faithless, but God is working. You love her not because it is fair but in response to faith. Because without faith, God will not move in your home.   There is one word that frames it all entirely in terms of marriage. Found in Malachi 2:14. “Yet you say, “For what reason?” Because the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously; Yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant.” Marriage is a covenant, not a contract. And the blessing, work, promises and even miracles of God only function within the confines of that covenant. If you leave covenant, you forfeit the promises of God within that covenant. It’s like an umbrella. It’s raining crazy but as long as you are under that umbrella, that rain doesn’t even dampen you…but the moment you move out, you get soaked… See, context is everything…   So, nine verses. Challenging. Enlightening. But just a drop in a bucket full of context and connection with the family and the marriage relationship. When I gave a marriage series four/five years ago, we weren’t going through the Book of Ephesians, we were in 1 Corinthians. And we stopped at love to talk about the marriage relationship (1 Corinthians 13). Truly, that is the correct context to begin with again. We love because He first loved us. We forgive because He has forgiven us. We endure the details of depravity with our spouses because God endures with grace and mercy each day with us… And so, the context above all others to wade intothese verse in Ephesians with has got to be the motivation, calling, challenge and commandment of covenant and love.   It’s not primarily love for each other and covenant with each other. That’s not going to get you there. I’ve been married now for almost twenty years. And I have failed April so deeply, drastically and completely so many times to the point that I can’t expect her love for me to be the thing that enables or drums up the respect I need, the honor I need, the admiration I need to fulfil me. Admire me? She knows the worst of me?! Ok, perhaps you can but I’m just an ultra-realist. And honestly the respect I want and the admiration I want is as if I have never failed her. So how can that come forth after these many years and failures!?   Love in the home and in a marriage relationship and for your spouse must not primarily be based on your partner but on the Lord. Period. End of Line. Think of the greatest commandment given in the Bible. Love others as yourself and love the Lord. Wrong. Wrong order. In fact, so wrong in order that the commandment becomes impossible to apply. The greatest commandment given by Jesus Himself.   This is the attack of the enemy. This is the context of the 31k verses. And this is where the marriage relationship begins. God instituted marriage before the fall.  It is therefore the original, hand in hand with the man’s fellowship agape with his Creator, marriage is the original target of the enemy and number one on the hit list and hate list of Satan himself. No wonder it’s difficult, right?   You see we all have issues. Every marriage has problems.  But, as you walk with the Lord, sanctification has a reversing effect of the fall in your heart and life. I love what Tony Evans explained once, cracks in your walls cannot be fixed and more will always come, you’ll always be doing patchwork, if you do not fix the foundation that keeps shifting. That foundation is your relationship and commitment and truly your closeness with Jesus Christ.   God did not create marriage for you to find happiness and fulfillment. That is only and can only be found in a God! In fact, get ready for the flesh to be greatly enhanced! If you have a problem now, getting married will only serve to bring it to the surface! If you’re unhappy now, unfulfilled now, you will be the same as a wife…as a husband. In fact, it will be multiplied. Satan never messed with mankind until they were married…   Oh, and he will mess with you! Exploit the vast differences between a man and a woman. Here’s one example. Where do you want to go to eat? Common question from a husband, right? Common answer from the wife? Where do YOU want to go to eat? Get ready for a deep, extremely deep, theological exposition. This is going to shock you. That answer is entirely disrespectful. It’s loving, entirely loving, but intensely disrespectful! You see, we speak different languages, HA! And rather than get shocked and offended and frustrated…, learn a new language.   You have a 100% chance of being successful in marriage if you do it God’s way. 100%. What’s God’s way? You shall love the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind and strength…, and love each other the same and as yourself. Wives be like, so how am I supposed to answer that question? By answering THE question! HA! And IF you HAVE to pepper in your language, throw in an offer to be ok with something else also, but I’m telling you, we don’t like that. HA! That’s speaking your language. And I get it, we can and must learn your language too, and we do! How do you know? We don’t stop the car and tell you to walk! HA!   What’s Ephesians 5 about? The 30+k verses about? Learning a better way and that way is covenant and love. Love the Lord with your all and love each other as yourself. Learn it or not, your choice. But doing marriage God’s way, you have a 100% chance of being successful and a good, Godly, fulfilling marriage is God’s design for the closest thing to heaven He has given us on earth, that’s verse 32.   It's like this. You’re sitting at an amazing feast called marriage. All the good foods you love to eat, everything you love and need, all there contained and designed into that marriage by God Himself. And you are hungry, naturally and designed that way by God also! Across the table, which is six feet wide and full of delicacies, is your spouse. And right before digging in, you notice your utensils. Not like others you have ever see before. These are six feet long.   Try as you may, there is no way to feed yourself. And there is no way for your spouse to feed themselves. If either of you are going to get any of that feast, its going to have to be that you use your tools to feed them. Now, many if not most marriages. What do you want? I’d love some of that stuffing! HA! I hate stuffing, April loves stuffing. I plunge that spoon into that bowl of perfect stuffing, her favorite, and then I just refuse to give it to her because well, I hate stuffing! Isn’t that horrible…? Hell on earth.   Two selfless people serving each other in a covenant marriage relationship is heaven on earth, or the closest you can get. Two selfish people together set on serving themselves, neither will eat, and there’s nothing closer to hell on earth. Your choice. My choice. So, what do we do? Ephesians 5:25-33…. How do we do it? 31k verses, ALL of God, ALL of me. All in. Come back next week and let’s get busy!  

Marriage Series Session 6 - Money and Intimacy

November 24, 2019 • Pastor Matt Korniotes

Truly, these two topics, money and intimacy could be series in and of themselves. We absolutely have to spend some time talking about them though for several reasons. First, these are tough topics to talk about…they can be confrontational topics and certainly uncomfortable topics and so if we don’t talk about them here, they may never get worked out at all. Second, as I mentioned to you last week, these two topics are the main issues in most marital difficulties. Intimacy may not be the cause and money problems may not be the genesis of the disagreement, but it’s interesting how one of the two, (and typically its problems with or lack of intimacy), that ultimately drive the husband and the wife apart… Most importantly perhaps, you can be the good husband as we’ve learned and the good wife as we’ve explained, but if your marriage is not in alignment in terms of these topics, especially intimacy, you could yet still miss the marriage God has designed and intended for you and worse yet, you could lose the marriage altogether. These may sound like small issues…like little problems, but it’s interesting how the little things are the big things. If the enemy can’t have your soul, your heart, your faith, your hope, your life…he switches to a most potent and effective strategy of selecting and targeting the little things that will undermine the big things. Dwight L. Moody once said, “There are many of us that are willing to do great things for the Lord, but few of us are willing to do little things.” Here’s the truth, I pray you figure this out sooner rather than later, if you won’t do the little things, then, in the long run, you will lose the big things… Turn over to Song of Solomon, chapter 2 and look at verse 15. “Catch us the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vines, for our vines have tender grapes.” Catch them. Take them, hold them, possess them, grasp them, seize them. Don’t just let them be, don’t just let them ‘pan out’ the way they will. But be considerate, be aware, be active…because if you don’t, they will spoil the vines…corrupt the vine, destroy it, travail it, bind it…oh my the frustration and loss in a marriage when two Godly people who love each other become bound by the flesh and miss out on a good godly marriage, why? Because there is no will to fight for goodness, or there is no knowledge of how to fight or no understanding of what on earth to do! I’d like to help today…in a most likely uncomfortable conversation, but you’ll leave out of here knowing you need to fight for awesome intimacy in your marriage, you need to fight for financial alignment and freedom…and I am going to tell you how to fight. Here’s the thing, the “why.” In the vineyard of my life, my ministry, my career, my job, my parenting, my responsibilities, my faith and especially my marriage to April, I will not settle. I simply won’t do it. I am genuinely confused when I see a man and a woman, a husband and a wife, for that matter a kid and a parent, an employee and a boss, when they are at odds…HOLDING the ability to be made well…and yet they choose misery. Oh, how the heart of the Lord breaks…when He has done all that is possible and given every little thing necessary for all of us to not breath to death but to live filled with love, joy, peace, power, purpose, patience, character and awesomeness. I’m a Christian. And part of that means that I don’t have to and that I’m done settling and I’m done forcing April to settle. We are now fox hunters and our vineyard looking grapey! Money is an excellent servant, and yet it is the cruelest of masters. There are two things you need to do, agree upon as a couple, in order to make money your servant and stop taking orders from dead presidents and start taking orders from a living Savior. First, you need to honor God with your money. And second, you need to love your spouse MORE than you love money. If you are not honoring God with your money here’s what’s happening behind the scenes, in the subconscious of the soul…your heart is being torn away, moved away from the Lord and you’re putting yourself in a position outside of God’s order of blessing. Matthew 6:21 says, “Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Every penny you have has been provided by God and yet so few acknowledge that by honoring Him with the tithe and because of it, your heart hides in a way from the Lord. You say the tithe is Old Testament…I say you have a worship disorder. New Testament giving is love the Lord with ALL your heart, ALL your soul, ALL your mind and ALL your strength. And so, what we have is a husband that worships and a wife that serves and yet together they have not purposed to sacrificially honor God with their giving and so a bit of each of them (behind the conscious scene) doubts themselves and doubts each other in terms of their allegiance and genuineness…why? Because where the faith really materially practically counts, there hasn’t been that commitment between them or that leadership of the husband to worship God and place Him first. And so the house gets bigger and better and the debt begins to pile and the clutter accumulates because you’re both looking for satisfaction in the provision God has given but that satisfaction is found in purposing to honor God with it…your heart given to the things of the world practically and not to God is you investing in the world and not in the things of the Lord. As a couple, a marriage team, as one, you need to come together and discuss your giving. And you need to validate your faith in your giving. You say, well we know we can’t give. We don’t make enough and we have too many bills…every bill you have you have chosen. And so, dig out…start now…need help, let’s review your expenditures line by line…but dig out and know this, you can have the conversation now. You say, well I don’t make enough or I am between jobs, get a job. Nothing is beneath the person who is looking to honor those that he loves. Look at what Jesus endured…consider what Joseph endured… Here’s what’s happens in too many lives and marriages…Isaiah 55:2, “Why do you spend money for what is not bread, and your wages for what does not satisfy?” When the promise of God is given in Malachi 3:10, “Bring all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be food in My house, and try me now in this, says the Lord of hosts, if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you such blessing that there will not be room enough to receive it.” Show each other that you are committed to the Lord and that your devotion is genuine. Protect your home from what the enemy wants to do…make money your master. Honor God with your money. And love your wife more than you love numbers…and love your husband more than you love numbers. This is the call of God and the traps that you must set to catch the little foxes. If you don’t, money will continue to be a place of contention rather than a place of blessing in your marriage. Imagine, you don’t have enough to buy that thing, the money isn’t piling up like her father was able to do for her…but you’re giving unto the Lord, investing in Him, honoring God and you both know it…so there is a peace in the little things…and they are no longer despised, they are now respected…that’s just one practical result of walking in wisdom financially…there are many more… Here are a few other quick practical tips. One of you should be the money manager. One of you is better with money. So rather than divide the accounts and divide the responsibility, have the conversation, and one of you serve the other. Also, one account. It’s not her money and my money. Get over yourself. These little foxes destroy, start hunting. Let’s switch gears to intimacy. Intimacy, at its core, really isn’t just about sex. Men, write that down. Women know that already. They’re like duh while all the men are so confused right now. Listen up, understand, don’t ever forget, when it does come to sexual chemistry in a marriage, I’ve heard it described this way and it is ultimate truth! Men are like microwaves! Always ready to make that meal QUICK. Get to it! Pop that corn! 1 minute and 30 seconds and we are READY! While women are like crock pots. Plug it in and get that thing started before you leave for church so that at dinner time, it’s ready and it’s throughout the whole house! Men, don’t ever forget this! You need to know this! Intimacy in a marriage is simply about how close you and your spouse are as a committed, loving and affectionate team. And that INCLUDES the physical event of sex but understand, God has designed women (for the most part, sometimes in rare cases, this is reversed…it’s the man) but for the most part, God has designed women and what they desire in terms of intimacy as a direct reflection of how He desires closeness with us. He takes no pleasure in someone who emotionally and spiritually and whole-heartedly worships Him in the church worship service and then spends no time with Him outside of church. HEART-BREAK! He wants to be with us, love us, speak with us, commune with us, constantly…God’s design and desire for intimacy is a constant thing…and here is why so many are frustrated in their marriages. Men frustrated because the event is a non-event and women frustrated because their husbands are clueless and acting like pouty animals! HA! So, please, let me help. First, very serious stuff, this is for married folk! If you are not married, you are not intimate. That’s a fact. If you’re having sex, you’re not having intimacy because there is no covenant connection. You cannot have an intimate walk and connection with God, there is no communion with God, without covenant relationship. So, it is with humans. If you’re having sex outside of marriage then you are not only outside the will and command of God but you are doing two things. First, very serious stuff, you are proving something to eachother who may or may not be your future spouse. The most important person to you is God and yet God has commanded. So, you are proving to one another and really to yourselves that you can be unfaithful to the Person most important to you…red flag. Why would you ever ever ever want to marry someone who is so conflicted and dishonest…? The second thing you’re doing is that you are, or already have created a situation, where sex in your marriage will be harmed. You’re setting yourself up for sexual problems when you are married…why? Because sex outside of marriage is different than sex in marriage and now the water is muddy…if this is you then today is the day to stop and let the Lord heal you. Exodus 15:26 says, “If you diligently heed the voice of the Lord your God and do what is right in His sight, give ear to His commandments and keep all His statutes, I will put none of the diseases on you which I have brought on the Egyptians…for I am the Lord who heals you.” God heals. God created sex. He created it for marriage. His idea…its not a bad thing at all…it’s the best thing of all…but look at what the enemy has attacked and cheapened! Turn over to Song of Solomon, Chapter 7, and just look with me at verses 1 and 2! This is the word of God! These are not the best lines anymore though, HA! They’re not as good as, “I went on a mission with my church, but all I ended up doing was missing you!” HA! “Girl, you are so unblemished its difficult not to just sacrifice you!” HA! Ok, my point is that sex is God designed, passion and desire and affection and intimacy, all His thing…and I can’t stress this strongly enough: a marriage devoid of romance and sexual appreciation with each other is not how God designed marriage to function. Physical intimacy is not optional in marriage. When you, husbands, ignore this God-given gift and truly His will and command to cultivate intimacy and romance with your wife, she is left with a void in her soul. Your romantic and sexual advances have tremendous power to set her apart as a woman and affirm her value. But rejection in the bedroom places her on emotional quicksand. She’ll spend hours, even days or more, trying to understand why she is so unde­sirable. Flip it around the other way and when you wives do not prioritize intimacy with your husband it leaves him frustrated and even resentful. An insecure frustrated wife and a resentful frustrated husband make everything harder. Every other issue…mole hills become mountains. You gotta fix this!! How much better would life be, the marriage be, the home be, the day be, the life be if she was the fascinating virtuous goddess always with a hint of promise towards pleasure and he was the irresistible magnetic hunk, always with an air of preoccupation with the hotness of his goddess!? You know what!? Not only can it be that way, not only SHOULD it be that way, but that is the WAY God designed it all! Go and read Song of Solomon in total…HA!! So, let me give you some extremely practical things, and one I know will shock you, on how you go and fix this TODAY. How about I start with that one… We’re fed this idea that we should only have sex when we’re “in the mood.” This is how unfulfilled, sexless marriages happen. One of y’all isn’t “in the mood” and doesn’t think he or she needs to be, and therefore the partner with the higher libido, or the desire, or just simply the NEED, feels ashamed or rejected for wanting sex. This leaves one partner feeling hounded for sex all the time and the other feeling pathetic for wanting it—not a healthy relationship at all. I implore all married couples! This is my commandment! HA! That’s how important this is and YOU NEED TO DO THIS. Sit down with your wife, your husband, and discuss a sex schedule! Yup. An agreement that both of you will hold to no matter how the days goes or whatever, that no matter what, sex is going to happen. Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday…no matter what…sex nights! And then you hold to it! This is freedom. This is health. This is strategy. This is wisdom. Look, if a man (typically it’s the man, sometimes it’s the woman), if a man knows that there will be sex tonight, he’s free to now just be thankful, appreciating, comfortable, not wondering…and the flirting will happen. Why? Because he knows the night is coming! Take that away and…well have you ever seen a dog eat? No enjoyment! No savoring! They just wolf it down! Why? They have NO IDEA when they are going to be fed again! So, they are desperate! Same with a man…the schedule takes the desperation out of it all and the manipulation out of it all…so set the schedule, hold to it. Don’t ever miss unless there is business travel or someone is sick or whatever…but if its possible, even if you’re fighting, it’s happening. All these problems in marriages I’ve seen…my question, how’s your sex life? Typical response, HA! What sex life! Go away, have sex at least three times a week for the next four weeks…and guess what, they typically don’t need to come back. Why? Because they are connecting, coming together…anyone who believes that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach flunked geography! All of the tertiary pervasive problems that exist because of a break down in intimacy are gone, and they can handle their own problems now! No, it’s not that they love each other, its that they ARE LOVING each other! And hearts heal…because this is what God has commanded. So, schedule up and throw in a bonus night in every now and then! DO IT! An article I read says that the average is once a week and 15% report they haven’t in the past six months. Pathetic!! Listen, you need to be coming together! Regularly and often or the connection won’t be there! Intimacy is the key. It is the only thing you share with your spouse that no one else on this earth has with you…without it, you’re just roommates…a couple of other tips. Anything goes! People ask me this often. What’s ok to do and what’s not ok to do? Easy answer. Do whatever you want to do…just keep it between you and him, you and her. No one else needs to know and NO ONE else should ever be included. Hebrews 13:4 says, “The wedding bed is not defiled.” So, if you want to dress up like storm troopers and chase each other around the house, close the blinds and game on! More, take the TV out of your bedroom and put the phone down, especially on sex nights. Talk about NOTHING else once you are getting to it. Don’t dilly dally. Get the kids to bed and get to it! Prioritize intimacy in your marriage. If you don’t you’re inviting the fox into the vineyard and before you know it, the spark is gone…don’t allow that to happen… Remember, you can be the good husband as we’ve learned and the good wife as we’ve explained, and if your marriage is not in alignment in terms of these topics, especially intimacy, you could yet still miss the marriage God has designed and intended for you and worse yet, you could lose the marriage altogether. These may sound like small issues…like little problems, but it’s interesting how the little things are the big things. What we’ve discussed today, this is how to fight for what God has already given you that the enemy is doing a wondrous job at destroying! We always try to fix the big things, worry about the big things, listen the big things are for the Lord to fix…His call to us is to do the little things, that’s what we can do…so I pray today you walk away with a call to arms in your own marriage. On all that we’ve covered in this series. Letting love reign, serving each other and serving the Lord with your marriage. Being a good woman and a good man as an inroad to being a good wife and a good husband…and then to handle these two areas that demolish love…handle them with wisdom and aggression, that God may be honored in your life and your marriage. And I gotta say, the best way to honor God is to receive all that He has secured for us by His blood…in the midst of this preview to hell that life can be, the children and trusters and worshippers of God will overcome this world and live this life as the preview to heaven God has purposed.

Marriage Series Session 5 - The Role of the Wife Part 2

November 17, 2019 • Pastor Matt Korniotes

This is now the fifth session in our Marriage Series. We began with the foundational study called, “Let Love Reign,” and I know its been quite some time since then but I want to remind you that the foundation for the home is not the husband, or the wife, or the wealth, or whatever else, the foundation for the home that will not crack is the love and Spirit of God Himself. The leadership and headship of the Lord. Which is a choice for both the husband, the wife and eventually, even the kiddos. If love reigns, if God has the say-so in your home, then you will not only fortify yourself and your family from what the enemy wants to (and can) do…but you will also be a cognizant part of God building the life you want around you, for His glory and for your own joy! We progressed forward to discuss the role of the husband. That first, to be a good husband, you must be a good man and a good man fulfils his original design and purpose and that is simply to glorify God on earth and to tend and keep all that is entrusted to him. To guard and to serve his family and concerning his bride, to be her savior, her sanctifier and her satisfier. To love her as Christ loves the church and gave Himself for http://her...that her gloriousness may be a product of His goodness, His love. Last week we began our discussion on the role of the Wife. Not altogether unlike the role of the husband in that first to be a good wife, you must be a good woman and a good woman fulfils her original design and purpose and that is to simply glorify God on earth and to ease the heart and life of those entrusted to her. Really not altogether different than the job of the man to tend and to keep and yet there is an element of willful submission assigned to the wife such that in the home and in the marriage, it is the primary concern of the wife to help her husband and help her family towards what God would have for them, which is joy, peace, a stable future and a life of hope. Today we continue that conversation in a more practical sense. Today we talk about what the Bible calls a virtuous wife, a wife filled with virtue and virtue is simply advantage, excellence, kindness, goodness, righteousness, faithfulness…these are all synonyms and meanings for the word virtuous but they sound a lot like the fruits of the Spirit, don’t they? And so we will talk practically about a wife that honors the position God has given her, honors the husband God has given her responsibility for, and therefore ultimately embodies the role of the wife as designed by God. And then, before we are through, since I am a husband and you wives are not, (HA), I’d like to share with you from a husband’s heart what about you we love so much and what about you draws us in to (at least for me) almost getting lost in http://you...like the whole world can take a hike, isn’t important, doesn’t even exist…because my wife is simply all I want and need…I’ll share some of that with you before we are through. Turn over to Proverbs 31, verse 10. Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is FAR above rubies! I do so love this because this does so make me think of April. Why? Because, I don’t know if you know this, top-color rubies are so rare, there is no value able to be assigned to them. They are above valuation! Worth more than all the stacks of money on the earth…cannot be valued! And a wife that is the easer, the helper, the one who loves and backs her husband and upholds him, sustains him, supports him…same. Above any valuation. BUT, if we HAD to…let’s say that you as a wife weigh 125 pounds (WINK- HA!), 125 pounds of jewelry-grade rubies would be valued at $5.1B!!! Now gentlemen, I know we aren’t talking about husbands but…if you had a car, or a boat or a rifle that was worth $5.1B…how would you treat it!? I’m not saying that a wife is a thing but come on!!! HA! And so, this is the worth, the value, the blessing of a virtuous wife! Some of y’all wives probably value yourself much less than that. Why? God hasn’t. Don’t let your husband, or any man or any woman or any other person assign your value! Let God alone assign your value! Live for Him, live in His evaluation and you’ll begin to glimpse, feel, and live your worth…$5.1B…well, actually, her worth is FAR above that according to verse 10…why? Let’s continue reading (and truly here is how you build your own worth in your own heart and mind…this is recipe). Proverbs 31, verses 11-12. This speaks of peace. Safely is a word of peace. There is ease here. There is respect here. And that is truly the primary need of your husband. It’s captured simply in Ephesians Chapter 5 verse 33, “Let the wife see that she respects her husband.” There is a visual element to this…let the wife SEE…respect looks like reverence, to hold him in high esteem…remember, not because he is highly esteemable but because this is YOUR value…not necessarily his. Respect looks like regarding him, noticing him, honoring him…preferring him to whatever it is you’re involved in…when your husband enters the conversation, your eyes go to him and he gets opportunity to greet and be greeted…you don’t just continue the conversation. He is your conversation! Around you and around others, he will always walk into gain if you respect him. That’s the second part of verse 11… Proverbs 31, verses 13 – 16, this is not meant to be a verse-by-verse through Proverbs 31 so I am just highlighting those things relevant to our study today and so see this, wool and flax speak of warmth and strength…two essential elements to easing the life of your husband, your primary purpose…the reason why God gave marriage in the first place! She’s working, she’s gaining, she’s acquiring…she is busy…why? One reason…to provide for her household. A good wife provides for her home. That may be money, that may be good deals, that may be a ton of things, but provision benefits…and that is the idea. A good wife benefits her home and benefits her husband! There is good profit when she is there…do you know what people do when they experience a profitable return for them? They invest MORE! And look at this…she has her own money! She hustles just like the best of us…this wife buys a field from her profits and in what she acquires, she sustains! A vineyard speaks of a pure and beautiful family, a pure and beautiful and fruitful home…this is bought with the profits and profitability of the wife…profit not of money but Godliness with contentment is GREAT GAIN (1 Timothy 6:6) and that’s the profit that buys and plants the vineyard in the home…the love and comfort and ease of a wife that has the heart of God in her home. Proverbs 31, verses 17 – 18. She is the light of hope for her husband. Men are entirely easily discouraged and big babies…big pout factories! But the wonderful wife he shares his life with ensures to him that its all alright. She loves him so much and physically respects him so much that the whole earth doesn’t matter even…he has her. Proverbs 31, verses 19 – 22. A heart for those in need is a heart like God designed. Why was the wife created, because the husband was in need. A good wife meets the needs of her husband, just as a good husband meets the needs of his wife. Preparing for winter speaks of preparation for the seasons of life. Where there is little fruit, there is great hunger…and hunger makes things so very hard. Even the little things cause great disruption. BUT, the good wife provides, clothes, prepares her husband and family so that when the season changes, we do not. If you ever see a family going through a rough time and yet they are filled yet with love and hope and respect and loyalty to each other…its not because they love each other so much…its because they HAVE LOVED each other so much…they are prepared! Proverbs 31, verse 23. A good wife presents herself and treats her husband in such a way that publicly he is respected. This is so very important…and you cannot do this only in the streets…it doesn’t work that way. You must do these things even in the home so that the public honor of the family is supported. A good wife brings honor to her husband, simple as that. She doesn’t tell of his mistakes…she doesn’t reveal things that may cause embarrassment…it’s crazy that I have to say that but I see and hear it all the time! Wives, heed my word, public dishonor in any fashion ruins your marriage. Never do it. Never. Never show disrespect to your husbands in front of others. Especially your children, your parents, and especially those that do respect him outside of the home. Nothing is more cruel or hurtful to the hidden heart of your husband than this… Rather than allow for this…here’s what you ought to do. Build oneness! Build unity with your husband! Build him up and in doing so you will build up your marriage. If you don’t believe what I just said it’s because you are not building up your husband…you have no idea how you are cheating yourself and your home by being your husband’s teaser in public rather than his easer! Proverbs 31, verses 24 – 25. The virtuous wife is busy…do you see that? Why? Because when there is not work, 1 Timothy 5:13 says, “Being idle, there is wandering from house to house and gossip…” which is disrespect on display…but rather look at the words of the purposeful, valuable, wonderful wife…verse 26…wisdom and kindness. And with all of that, all that we have discussed, verses 27-31. There are so many things about you that lead a man to the husband God has purposed him to be. It is difficult to love a wife as Christ loves the church that is disrespectful, dishonorable, self-centered and mean. Terribly difficult…but when she makes it easy…he blossoms into the husband God knows he can be. Your role as a wife is to glorify God and there is no better way to glorify God on earth then to be an instrument that God uses to bring others to the life and purpose that God has for them. With that, here are a few practical things. Things as a husband, I love about my wife…things as a man, bring me into the image of God, and as a husband enable me to love as Christ loves the church…makes it easy. Men love, husbands love, I love when my wife affirms me. One of the top things your husband finds most attractive (and lovable) about you is that you were at one time (hopefully you still are) attracted to him. To a man, feeling attractive feels like winning! When a wife tells her husband how proud she is of him, how much his hard work has paid off, how much he’s appreciated by his family, and that there’s no one else like him, it says to him that he is cutting it not only as a man, but as a husband. Let him know he’s still hot, he can still get your heart racing, he’s a great provider, he is great at what he does – whatever it is that you can compliment him on. And mean it. A woman who sings his praises is a woman he’ll come after…so he can hear more! He will invest! Another thing a husband loves about his wife is her walk with God. Maya Angelou once said (Mom, why’d you name me that!? HA, just kidding!), “A woman’s heart should be so lost in God that her husband has to seek Him in order to find her.” I’ve seen men marvel at the depth of their wives’ relationship with God. They, at times, wonder if they can ever get that personal with God. It’s your ability to be relational, to go below the surface, to put your whole heart into a relationship that intrigues him. When you have an intimate devotional life with Christ, and are controlled by His Spirit, your life will produce the fruits of His Spirit – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). What man doesn’t want to chase after a woman who is truly joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle and – we love this one the best – self-controlled! You may today be married to a man that has no relationship with Jesus at all…and yet God in His wisdom, knowing how men work because he created Him, wrote 1 Peter 3:1-2. It’s interesting and it’s a fact that an argument with a man is not won with sharper words or a more cunning set of facts. You may make him feel stupid, but you won’t win. The way to win is to allow him to prove himself a fool with how he cannot control himself while you can…he’ll see it… More…I love my wife just how she is. Ladies, I want to tell you this about your man, he doesn’t love you for necessarily what first made him notice you, if you know what I’m saying. Proverbs 31:30 says, “Beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.” So, regardless of how you might feel about your weight, body shape, big knees, cellulite, spider veins or whatever, get over it! He has. Honestly, he doesn’t see all the body flaws you think are so bad, and if he does, he sees them and likes them! No one analyzes or critiques your body nearly as much as you do. In fact, our eyes are pretty forgiving and “blind” when it comes to your physical (and often over-exaggerated) flaws. When you express confidence in your own body, we find that endlessly attractive. Husbands love when wives take initiative and flirt! Its amazing to me how many wives initiated the relationship with their husbands! And yet, years later, wives suddenly expect their husbands to do all of the initiating. Your initiation makes us feel loved, pursued and confident. You know what initiative from a wife feels like for a husband? Like he’s the star quarterback and the hottest cheerleader is staring at him…and everyone sees it! HA! I love, men love, husbands love a positive attitude in a woman. It feels like ease and it is extremely rare! Think of this. A man has no idea how to understand, communicate with, be around a woman. Even some of us with a lot of practice, it’s still a gamble! HA! And so, when a woman is positive, when a wife has a positive attitude, it’s a GINORMOUS relief and we love it! Ladies, your husband loves a positive http://attitude...but he’s not likely to confront you when you’re being negative. When a man can count on a smile or kind word when he walks through the front door, he’ll anticipate his homecoming a lot more. Positive people are enjoyable to be around. If you’re pleasant, he’ll generally want to be in your company. Finally, I love that my marriage is just good. I love my wife’s partnership. When she joins me once in a while in a project or when she is just there to ask how its going. I love doing life with someone that loves me and respects me. That is such a blessing. These things may seem daunting, like a heavy load, but stick close to the Lord. As you do, what He will reveal to you is that truly, allowing Him to repeal the power of sin in your heart, the grip of the fall, as you welcome and allow that work and partner with the Lord in that work in your heart of hearts, the heavy load is revealed to truly be life without being these things…and then this stuff gets easy. A good wife, hard to find? Perhaps…but not hard to become.

Marriage Series Session 4 - The Role of the Wife Part 1

November 10, 2019 • Pastor Matt Korniotes

I told you in talking about husbands that if you Google, “How to be a good husband,” in less than a second you get more than a billion results. Well, not to be outdone, if you Google, “How to be a good wife,” you get 2.2 billion results in 0.7 seconds! Overwhelming! Where do you start? This is a big problem! These are the thoughts racing through my head! The first article I read even said that the modern woman would probably have a problem even with the term, “good wife.” I begged God to take this cup from me…HA!! The truth is after studying this intensely for quite some time in preparation for today I have found that one reason it is incredibly difficult to be a good wife is because so many opinions are out there as to what that actually means! Greg Laurie, in his book “Married Happily,” tells a story about a man that was walking along a beach in Southern California and while walking he spotted an unusual-looking bronze object lying in the sand. He picked it up and began to dust it off, when all of a sudden, a genie appeared. The genie told him, “Master, I will grant you one wish.” “One wish? What happened to three wishes?” The genie shrugged his shoulders and sighed, “You know how it is, cut backs…” “Okay, I’ll tell you what,” the man said, “I love Hawaii but hate to fly. I wish for a highway from California to Hawaii, so I could drive there, that would be great!” “Give me a break!” the genie exclaimed, “There’s no way I could do that. Think of the logistics involved, the materials! It’s absolutely impossible! Choose something else!” The man thought about it for a while, “Okay, I think I have it now. I don’t understand women at all, especially my wife. My wish is that I would be able to understand her from this point forward.” The genie turned away for a moment, seemingly deep in thought. Then he turned back to the man and said, “Did you want two lanes or four!?” HA! Thankfully, God has given us clear direction and clarity in the role of the wife and the wisdom of God, appropriately applied, covers all bases for all definitions. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. We start our discovery alll the way back in Genesis Chapter 1. Look at verses 26-28a. Woman is made for the exact same purpose as man…to reflect the image and likeness of her Creator. Think of image as shadow…think of likeness as similitude or manner. To fulfil your role as a woman in society, in the family, in your marriage, you must first fulfil your original design which is to know and to glorify God! Looks simply like this, God gets the “say so!” So how should you be as a wife? Answer this…what is God like? 1 Corinthians 10:13, God is faithful. 1 John 1:5, God is light that refuses and overcomes darkness. 2 Peter 3:9, God is patient. John 3:16, God is loving and He is giving. Numbers 23:19, God keeps His word. Psalm 18:30, God shields others. Psalm 116:5, God is gracious and righteous, full of compassion. God is the champion of the people, the giver of Himself, the defender of justice and the defeater of sin. God stands in the place of His own and takes responsibility for them, placing the needs of them over His own pain…God is love. And so, where you start, where the foundation must be laid for this discussion and for your marriage, you cannot be a good wife without being a good woman. And that is all about fulfilling your primary design and purpose of glorifying God…in His image, His likeness…and bearing much fruit. Back in Genesis, Chapter 2, look at verse 18. “And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.”” A primary aspect of being in the image and likeness of God, is to realize and resolve your original design and purpose as a woman, and undeniably, your original design and purpose is to be the comparable helper. This word for helper is extremely simple in the Hebrew…it simply means, one who helps. It’s also translated, the easer…this is interesting to me…because this is very against what I see as the natural tendency in many wives…but remember, to achieve God’s will you must activate and engage your second naturel…but typically women see the gray, while men tend to see the black and white, and instead of making things easier, wives you gotta watch this, many tend to make things harder. I’ve heard it said, “Behind every angry wife is a husband who has no idea what he did.” HA! But you need to know this, please realize this, please pray on this and resolve…your role as a wife to your husband is not to make sure he is perfect towards you or perfect in his decisions…your primary calling is to help…and that means because of you, life and loving you even…is made easier. The primary role of the wife is to be your husband’s easer. Quite hard already, eh? I heard a story once of an elderly laying in his bed taking in his last breaths. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the comforting aroma of his wife’s amazing cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife..... 'Back off!' she said, 'they're for the funeral!!' HA! Comforting! HA! To help, his help meet some translations say and don’t miss this, this is mind blowing…why did God create the woman? To make sure stuff got done! HA! The world needed help! Man needed help! As much as your husband can’t and doesn’t say it…because it’s kinda embarrassing and goes against the “I can fix and do anything” image we wish we were, we need help! This is God’s design, His purpose, His reason, His calling…and yet in today’s world, to be thought of as the helper, even now I know some of y’all ladies are causing the temp in this room to rise! Why? Sin. It’s as simple as that. An ambitious and prideful spirit. When you need to realize and resolve that God identifies Himself as the Helper! John 14:15-18! The helper…the Spirit of truth…to abide with you, to be in you (one with you)…against the current of the world and the contemplation of the flesh…but without this, you’re orphans…left alone without a home. Exactly the state Adam was in! Later in John 15:26 Jesus says that the Helper, God’s role as the Helper, is to point us continually to Jesus Christ! The conclusive fact is that every other time the world helper is used throughout the Old Testament, that same word in the Hebrew, the context and meaning is that of God helping man…this is how you become the woman God has created you to be…before it was all defiled by sin and the flesh…a good woman and therefore a good wife. To be the helper, the companion, the collaborator, the backer, the partner, the accomplice, the easer…that does not make you lesser in any way! In creation all are equal, positionally with the Lord and in importance and ability…men and women are entirely equal… Galatians 3:26-29. The Bible calls male and female completely equal, co-heirs of the promises of God…and so being the helper does not make you lesser, what it makes you is role specific as a female, especially in the holy home of marriage. One of the primary reasons we have such marital issues, problems and breakups in the church today is because the world, the flesh and the enemy have tricked the women into thinking that supporting and helping and respecting their husbands robs them of something…and yet you’re the one losing your marriage! It’s crazy! If you want to be a good wife you must first be a good woman…and good women help. Let me give you a few more words for help: benefit, guide, serve, support, cooperate, comfort, uplift and sustain. Are those good descriptors for what you do for your husband? Perhaps we have a bit of work to do here…not with you being a good wife…but to know your role as a wife and your role as a woman of God on this earth. I’m not saying this is easy or even “feels” right…I’m saying this is God’s word and God’s will…truly if it was easy and comfortable in the flesh then it cannot truly be holy and of God. And so being a good woman, a good wife, certainly includes the narrow and difficult path. Hooligans had set fire to a farmer's haystack which then spread to his barn. While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife 'phoned their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $60,000, the amount of insurance on the barn. “We don't give you the money,” a company official explained. “We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.” “In that case,” replied the wife, “cancel the policy I have on my husband.” HA!! For real though…I can’t even begin to talk Ephesians 5 with you until you realize and resolve that this whole thing, not just marriage, but life isn’t about you…it’s about Jesus. If you have no heart to serve your husband then the root of it is truly that you have no heart to glorify God…because God, being the GOAT, God in the flesh, when He knew He had one day left to live…He chose to serve His enemy! And your husband is not your enemy! He IS you…you are one…so stop fighting him and turn your weaponry on the flesh! Pray for him, pray for your own heart, sow to the Spirit…grow in your walk with the Lord! Because the longest four letter word is coming next…turn over to Ephesians Chapter 5… Ephesians 5:22. I want you to see this and for this to be clear to you. Wives, submit to your own husbands. This is the word of God. This is the will of God and this is God’s call upon you as a wife. I believe there are two primary reasons why this is such a problem of a verse. First, this verse is not only misunderstood, but it is misapplied. Misunderstood by both women and men, wives and husbands and misapplied mostly by husbands. Let’s make sure we understand this verse first. To submit to your husband in no way makes you lesser than him. I wouldn’t even have to say that or teach that unless as a collective whole, many women have an insecurity here…perhaps caused by chauvinistic abusive behavior or perhaps caused by some women themselves. It’s honestly probably both. The folks that work for me at my place of work, the staff I have here at the church, because of my position as the lead, they work with me and for me and we make great progress…but just because they report to me at work or are accountable to me in ministry…it’s ridiculous, a ridiculous thought that they should think of me as something or someone more than them. Jesus called out to God the Father that night in the Garden of Gethsemane in Matthew 26:39 and we read He said, “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will.” What is that? Jesus submitting to the Father. And yet it is clear throughout so many scriptures and we know it to be true, Jesus is equal to the Father. In fact, they are One. The Holy Spirit not testifying of Himself but Jesus said that when He comes, He will testify of Me. And yet it is clear throughout so many scriptures and we know it to be true, the Holy Spirit is God, equal and One with the Jesus and God the Father. But what is that? Submission, why? Not because they are out-ranked…this is a huge piece of understanding that is needed… Ephesians 5 says, “Wives, submit to your own husbands,” why? Because he is better than you, out-ranks you and you’re just a lowly servant. Have you really bought that lie? When you reject submission, you prove that you have… Your husband does not out-rank you in the economy of God. Many pastors teach and it’s easy to do so because it’s like a “sit down and shut up” end to the conversation, its easy, but I’ve heard it preached that this word submit in the Greek is hypotasso which is a military term that speaks of submitting to one who is a higher rank…I believe leaving it ther that is a travesty…why? Because I cannot reconcile that with scriptures such as Galatians 3:28… Here's the heart of the Lord. His desire is for the home to be stable. For it to be an environment conducive to furthering His purposes, His love, His will, His truth on this earth. That simply cannot happen without order, without a plan…so there are roles, expectations and duties to be carried out by the husband and likewise by the wife. And so, in one way, it is not unlike the military in terms of roles, order and authority…BUT…it is completely unlike the military when it comes to rank. Submission by the wife to the husband in the home is not submission because he is her superior but rather because of the position he holds in the home. Think of it this way…military with order, without rank. That is exactly what we see in the relationship between God the Father and God the Son. Neither outrank another…they are equal…but such that the home may be stable, the love and will and truth of God be made known and such that salvation may be present, there is a willful submission by God the Son unto God the Father. It is military. There is order. There is authority. But it is the wife willfully placing herself under the rank of her husband, even though they are absolutely equal. That invites the ease, folks. Try this as well. Submission in the home of a wife to her husband is not and should not be submission to the will of the husband. That’s not what Ephesians 5 speaks of…but rather it is the willful submission of the wife to the husband in order to bring about (not the will of the man) but the will of God. And so therefore there are limitations to submission. First, your allegiance to God should never be violated by your allegiance to someone else. Man or woman alike. Ephesians 5:22 says submission is unto the Lord. If what is being asked of you by your husband is against what God would have you to do then you are not to submit to your husband…you are to submit to God. Also, women are not to be in submission to all men. “Wives, submit to your own husbands…” This is another limitation to submission that folks don’t know and it muddies the waters. The Bible instructs us to submit to appointed authorities, bosses, masters, fathers, mothers and your own husbands… Ultimately, we are all to submit to the heart and will and ways of God. Bring the Gospel, bring the heart of God to your marriage, wives. Bring the comfort and kindness and love to your relationship with your husbands. Not because your husband is good, but because God is good. Submit as unto the Lord. Colossians 3:23-24 says, “Whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ.” Truly so many homes have so many problems today because we have bought the lie that doing it God’s way will cause us to lose…when the truth is…doing it any other way is the invitation to the enemy to steal, kill and destroy the love relationship God has designed specifically for you and your husband…

Marriage Series Session 3 - The Role of the Husband Part 2

November 3, 2019 • Pastor Matt Korniotes

Back in Ephesians chapter 5, look again with me at verses 25 – 27. As was discussed last week, the role of the husband, a good husband is three things for his wife. Her savior, her sanctifier and her satisfier. I think after last week some of you guys feel like Bob. Bob was talking to a friend of his and said to him, “Tomorrow is my wife’s birthday!” Bob’s friend asked, “Oh wow, what are you getting for her?” Bob thought for a moment and replied, “Make me an offer!” HA! I know it’s tough! It’s counter-cultural, unnatural to my fallen nature…BUT…the secret to it all is revealed by God in verse 28. Happy wife, happy life. HA! The truth of leadership is this…as you become the husband you ought to be, she will become the wife she ought to be. It’s really quite simple, but it takes faith, it takes tenacity, it takes grit, it takes wisdom (like knowing that marriage is grand but divorce is at least a hundred grand, HA!) it takes strength in your relationship with the Lord…because when you are leading in love, often, you’re not being loved yourself. If so, then someone else is leading…so you have to walk in faith, sow in the spirit and really become dependent upon God for your needs. But, Hebrews 11:6 says, “God is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him!” Trust the Lord! Trust means knowing that He is faithful and that He is going to be faithful! Just like Link…do you know he brought NO money to Disney Land with him when we went?! What was he thinking! No need for thinking, he trusts his dad has him covered!! But don’t forget the rest of that verse (back in Hebrews 11:6 – without faith it is impossible)! It takes faith, it takes belief, and through that comes the reward. How is it that you are to fulfil this role that God has given you in a way such that you will bring about health in your marriage and ultimately the marriage that God has intended you to have? Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word. Stop waiting for her to be the perfect wife…you be the perfect husband! The cleansing and the sanctifying doesn’t begin until you get your act together…leader! Ephesians 5 continues, that he might present her to Himself a glorious church…your marriage is becoming or has become where you have led it to become. I heard a story about a wife one day that said to her husband, “I think I look ugly, can you compliment me?” The husband replied, “Sure thing! You have perfect eyesight!” Right there, that right there leads you right to a BAD DAY! But the opposite is true as well!! Compliment her, treasure her, love her, serve her…and watch over time where that leads you! The text says, that He might present her to Himself…that word “present” in the Greek speaks of a time of harvest…when the faithful work of the farmer, in partnership with the Lord (His design, His soil, His rain, His sun) when the work of the laborer is revealed. Jesus with His disciples once said in Matthew 9:37, “The harvest truly is plentiful, but the laborers are few!” I want what God wants for me. Why? Because He wants the absolute best for me to transform me out of the image of the weakness of this fallen world and the nonsense of the flesh and to transform me into the image of heaven, the very image of His Son who though betrayed He held His integrity. Though condemned, He held His composure. Though hated, He was able to love. Though He was publicly humiliated, He lost nothing and though He was forsaken, He embraced the abandon to the glory of God and to the salvation of those He loves. Goals, man. God says to me, “I want to make you that man.” And then reveals to me that is the only man there is anyway…every other male is just a child, wandering about looking for the next crumb of pleasure and morsel of self-indulgence…but I have something better for you… 1 Timothy 4:8 tells me that godliness promises a profit to me, life, and not me only but to all those around me…and so as I fulfil my role as April’s husband, walking in the word of God, abiding in the presence of God, that has a cleansing affect upon her, my family, and my home as the word of God through me (as the ordained leader) washes us day after day and the harvest comes and will come and in that promise…in the faithfulness of God…I believe and place my hope and that hope does not disappoint! Look at Romans 5:1-5! As YOU do these things husbands, here’s the crazy thing!!! You stop looking for the results in her…because you are finding all that you need in what GOD is doing in YOU!!! BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE! It’s like a heavenly infomercial!!! HA!! She follows YOUR lead as you become one who glorifies God, she becomes glorious!!! That word is illustrious! Honorable. Highly esteemed! Notable, splendid, gorgeous!!! If you want the wife of your dreams then become a man of God…simple as that! The woman of my dreams? Yes…look at the rest of verse 27, “Not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish!” No more fault…that’s what that word spot is…no more contract….that’s what the word wrinkle or fold implies…and so get this…it’s not that she necessarily starts to walk on water…no, Peter sank…it’s that you, by your hand, she becomes lifted up…just as Peter’s Savior did for him…and you no longer look at her with fault eyes or contract eyes but now you look at her, she becomes in YOUR heart, viewed through the lens of grace and love and no more give and take but covenant! Not having spot or wrinkle? Listen, that’s very little about my wife and very MUCH about ME! As I become the man of God I should be in my home, then to me, she will become more like I am to God. By HIS stripes I have been healed! And as she watches herself become that to me…it triggers in her the harvest. That she then becomes holy just as it is through Christ I am made holy and she then becomes without blemish…not practically but positionally…just as we are in Christ! So, husbands…if you know what is good for you, love your wives, lead in love…walk with God, abide in Him…the harvest is plentiful…but the number of men on this earth are extremely extremely extremely few! Let me get really pragmatic for a bit for you men…The first step to effective leadership is to try. (Where have the handymen gone!? You need to be the handyman in your marriage and with you wife!) Study her…learn her (bad hearing story)…if you have a bad day, that doesn’t make you a bad husband. You’re going to have bad days because as soon as you figure her out…she will change! HA! That messes men all up! HA! I know we like to pout and men are easily discouraged, but get back in there and keep trying! As you walk in your role biblically you will find that your wife allows for your mistakes…it just kinda works that way…because she senses that you know you are mistaken and that is the last thing you want towards her….she will sense that, trust that in you, and forgiveness will flow. You may be thinking, after hearing all of this, “No way…this is too hard…I’ll love her my way…” May I just share a hard truth with you…HA…I’m going to anyway! You must love your wife as Christ loved the church…if you do not then you will create, over time, a home that is horrible…forgive me for saying it this way ladies but once your wife is trained that she has a bad husband it is almost impossible, it takes a miracle of humility on her part, to bring a woman back to being a good wife even after the man comes to his senses. So, husbands, this is how you must love your wives…it’s what has been commanded, it’s the design and IT IS BEST FOR YOU! This love must be without condition. Condition is attitude, circumstance, environment, preference…condition is condition. And unconditional love is ACTIVE and AFFECTIONATE. 1 John 3:18 says, “Let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and truth!” A missing action in the home today is sacrificial active love in action on the part of the husband. (Including manners!) Neglect is a form of degradation…and that is not treasuring her. Listen, if you don’t treasure her…understand that is something she needs…you open her up to the sadness of other men treasuring her more than her husband or the sadness of watching other women loved by their husbands. My wife isn’t much of a hugger…why? She doesn’t need any! I am her hugger! HA! Guys, expect to do it, do it, plan to do it, get in the habit and love the habit. Then whatever she does in response…you’re welcome! HA!! Handle whatever issues, problems and business you need to handle with her in a way that protects her self-worth and personal public value (we will talk more about this when we discuss the role of the wife too). To the world, make sure she walks on water. Protect her reputation when she is not around and set her up for the kindness and admiration of others through how you treat her and talk about her. This will pay dividends for you men! Remember, “He who loves his wife loves himself.” Serve your wives with consistency and excellence. You ever have bad service at a restaurant? Waiter didn’t listen…brought you stuff you didn’t ask for…wasn’t pleasant…and then guess what, they still want that 15% or 20% tip!!! Some of you men are doing the same thing and then blaming your wives for the bad tips (or no tips if you get my drift). Y’all better recognize! Give your wives permission to be imperfect! Oh, how we all need this! Listen to what happened to her during her day…don’t pick it apart and tell her how she could have had a perfect day. IDIOT! Comfort her and render the affection that she is due. She needs to know and be constantly reminded that you love her. She needs to hear “I love you” from you. But also, showing your wife how you feel about her is as important as telling her how you feel. Sacrificial attentive affection…includes listening…but also includes simple, seemingly unimportant acts like unexpected hugs and touches when you are together…if you’re not affectionate she wonders often if you love her…and that is sad… Husbands, she needs to hear “yes” far more than she hears “no.” NO ONE on this earth loves to be around a negative person. And if saving that $50 is more important to you than her having the pair of shoes that she’s been waiting to go on sale for 2 months…then ask her how much they cost. Excuse me while I pray for you…HA! Habitual negative responses feel like rejection…and that is not love. In fact, research shows that the more you respond in a positive way, the happier and more satisfying your relationship will be. Guys, read Psalm 139:17-18. God’s thoughts toward you are innumerable. You need to be thoughtful towards your wife. Thoughtful! You might not care about birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, etc.…I don’t care what she says, your wife does. Wives want to feel valued…when you prioritize her no matter if you “care” about the day or not, she feels valued. Thoughtfulness is also text messages, reminding her you’re thankful for her, planning a date night…because here’s the thing…YOU can know you love her, find her attractive, that you’re thankful for her…but if you don’t show her…it means nothing. Your husbandry is reserved only for one. To all other women you are brother and/or father. Act like it and be OVERT about it especially to women that are attracted to you, that you are attracted to and overly overtly especially when your wife is around! It will pay off for you, trust me! Be fun. Lead her in finding the extraordinary in the mundane! Be spontaneous…dance during the credits when you see a movie…grab her every now and then and say, “Do you hear that music!?” Be silly in the department store…find ways to have fun in the familiar. Your wife won’t tell you this, but what wives want is marriage to be fun and adventurous. And it should be anyway…it WAS created by God! Go-dos Repent. Change. A man who says, “I was wrong” really says in effect, “I am a little wiser today than I was yesterday.” (Spurgeon). If you think today that you married the wrong woman, start treating her like the right woman! You don’t love her because she deserves to be loved (necessarily). Think of your relationship with Jesus. You love her because love will make her into the woman you want to love. Remember, worse than being single is marrying a fool. So, start today…try. Learn what works. You will get better at it. And most importantly, the foundation for all of this good husband stuff, get serious about the strength of your walk with God. You will not be a good husband without first walking closely with the Lord. Adam didn’t serve and guard his wife…she took and she ate and she fell and he watched…and because of that, he fell too…find the trees that are forbidden…and cut them down. Abide in and with the Lord…you’ll be, she’ll be, the marriage will be…in the long run…very good.

Marriage Series Session 2 - The Role of the Husband Part 1

October 27, 2019 • Pastor Matt Korniotes

If you Google, “How to be a good husband,” in less than a second you will have over a billion results. That blows me away. That tells me two things. One, this is a topic a lot of people are talking about, thinking about, seeking on…and it tells me another, there’s a bunch of folks that don’t know where to turn, and probably a good amount of hopelessness. Imagine if you have a question and you needed an answer…and you were given over a billion answers…where would you even start!? Overwhelming. Here’s the thing though, there answer exists! It’s in the Word of God…but my flesh and the under-current of this fallen world and all its trappings make THE answer, well, can easily sweep it right away. But…the truth that there is an available answer at all is SUPER good news for me specifically and for many. Because I never saw this…this good husband stuff. I’m lost in terms of what I learned watching and experiencing as I grew up…and so I have learned to listen to the voice of God over what I have seen and experienced. That’s in fact how I learn today the best…by listening… The answer to that question, “How to be a good husband,” is simple. John 15:4-5, “Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. I am the Vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.” What’s fruit? Galatians 5:22, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love.” And what is God’s command upon the husband? Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands, love your wives….” And so, there’s your answer…I’ll send you and invoice… Remain in the will of God. That’s it…how can I be a good husband? Honor the Lord with His daughter! His princess. Walk with the Lord and serve Him with your life. You’ll never have to seek another answer…but now you see why we have over a billion other answers don’t you? Because I’d rather a wide and easy path, please… I know, I get it…who wouldn’t? But the hard and narrow path leads to life…and this one leads you to not only the marriage you want, but the wife you want, the husband you want to be, the kids you want to have and the life you want to live. Understand this…when a man is outside of the will of God, he is a menace to himself and everyone else. Jonah, the Old Testament prophet, just about brought a whole ship down because of his foolishness… Now, before we talk about the role of the husband, we really need to talk about the role of the man, briefly. That has been lost, or at best confused, in our post-modern western-world culture. We live in an age of complication and extreme distraction, where masculine women and effeminate men are celebrated while masculine men and feminine women are met with hostility and resentment. It’s odd…and complicated and truly a great distraction…why distraction? Because it causes everyone to focus on themselves rather than to simply serve each other and certainly discourages (if not entirely destroys) the ideal of universal truth. I believe the battle over sensuality will eventually be the downfall of our way of life if the Lord tarries…if we continue to fight ourselves, our enemies will have it easy… And so, the role of the man in the culture is confused…and because of that, the role of the man in the family is as well. Listen, never let your sociology dictate your theology! Let’s see what God has to say on the matter in terms of the role of the man before we discuss the role of the husband. Genesis 1:26. Then God said, let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness. The original design of the man was to reflect the image and likeness of His Creator. Think of image as shadow…think of likeness as similitude or manner. To fulfil my role as a man in society, in the family, in my marriage, I am to first fulfil my original design which is to bring Christ to earth, to become like my Creator. Looks simply like this, God gets the “say so!” So how should I be? Answer this…what is God like? 1 Corinthians 10:13, God is faithful. 1 John 1:5, God is light that refuses and overcomes darkness. 2 Peter 3:9, He is patient. John 3:16, He is loving and He is giving. Numbers 23:19, He is a man of His word. Psalm 18:30, He shields others. Psalm 116:5, He is gracious and righteous, full of compassion. He is the champion of the people, the giver of Himself, the defender of justice and the defeater of sin. He stands in the place of His own and takes responsibility for them, placing the needs of them over His own pain…He is love. This is my calling and my purpose…I have good days, not-so good days, good moments and moments of failure but I am not confused. That realization and resolve keeps me growing in Him…sometimes VERY slowly…but not always. Why do we have such confusion and distraction and really failure in our society, families and homes when it comes to men, husbands and fathers…? Because realization and resolve are very scarce in a society distracted by self-love and self-service. (Trash and coins story) Back in Genesis, look at chapter 2 verse 15, “Then the Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to tend and keep it.” A primary aspect of being in the image and likeness of God, man’s original design, is to tend and keep. In the Hebrew, tend and keep, abad and shamar…abad’s meaning is literally to serve and shamar’s meaning is literally to guard. Gentlemen, this is your first job. As a man, and primarily as a husband…if you are not serving and guarding your wife, protecting her and her heart of hearts, then you have some work to do…good transition to husbandry… Look at Ephesians 5:25 again. God lays out for the husband three things he must be for her. Specifics to the role of husband. The how-to’s of loving your wife. First, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her. In the home, in the marriage, in the relationship, a Godly husband accepts the responsibility of being his wife’s savior. You save the situation, the day…you’re the reason she can face tomorrow with confidence…is that how you are serving and guarding her? I am just going to cut right to the chase with perhaps the most important truth you need to realize and resolve today…husband, you are ultimately responsible for the health of your marriage. Don’t give me this, “well you don’t know my wife.” Look at Jesus’ bride…and He went to the cross and fixed it all…all on His own. When Eve was brought to Adam, Adam said, “This is now bone of MY bones and flesh of MY flesh.” After they had sinned in disobedience to God, God called out to them in Genesis 3:9 and He said, “Adam, where are you?” Why? Because Adam was responsible…this is bone of his bones, flesh of his flesh… 1 Corinthians 11:3 says, “The head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man…” God has created the man to lead and that leadership does not make him the boss…it makes him the leader…the principal servant, the primary protector and it makes him accountable. Many husbands want the authority of being the trusted boss but have not begun to be the leader God has called them to be to earn that trust and authority. Listen, lead her and love her as Christ leads and loves you and SHE will make YOU the boss! That means even when no one else is able to walk in the Spirit, it ought to be the husband. To lead in the things of the Lord in the home and to expect to lead. Leadership can be very lonely and discouraging at times…so what…that’s leadership! Look at this, perhaps something I’ve never contemplated before…Genesis 3:6…Adam was with her? Could it be that he was right there!!?? Perhaps, yes…why didn’t he guard her? Why didn’t he take the snake right then and bruise his head? Husbands, you are accountable. That is your role. Second, back in Ephesians 25, verses 26-27…husbands you are to be her sanctifier! The definition of love can be stated as pursuing the well-being of another. That may or may not involve emotions by the way! It’s wonderful when it does but it doesn’t have to and won’t all of the time. This world is fallen, it is messed up and women deal with exactly the same pressures and evil that a man does…in 2015, 38% of wives earned more than their husbands in the workplace and 70% of working mothers worked full time. Did you know that according to a study conducted by the University of Michigan, having a husband creates an extra seven hours of household chores a week for a wife!? HA! Husbands, with all of that noise, all of that stress and all of this foolishness that our wives have to take in and put up with in this world, God has called you to be a primary sanctifying power in her life! She doesn’t want you to fix everything, she needs to emote. Listen to her, connect with her…you can have control or connection, but you can’t have both…remember that!? I’m going to tell you something now that will perhaps perplex you…to truly be a good husband, a good wife, you must become each other… True intimacy in a relationship comes when you and your wife can identify so closely with each other that you see yourselves in each other. It’s called co-inherence. You cannot get there without being there, present, connecting constantly with her and putting her first in your habits and heart. That IS what God meant by one flesh. Pray for her…listen to her even when you are entirely uninterested! (DO NOT look at your watch, HA!) As you love her and serve her and pray for her and lead spiritually in the home, she will grow in the Lord. You say, “Well I can’t change her…only she can change her….” May I remind you of when she met you? She probably thought you were a buster! She wasn’t going to marry you! What happened? You turned on the game, you worked the charm, you pursued her affection…and now look at you…married! Did she change her mind about you? Yep! So, there you go…Don’t date to marry, marry to date! Sanctify your wives, this is God’s second how-to in terms of loving her. And finally, Ephesians 5:28-29. You are to be her satisfier! Almost every man in here just thought of one thing. Listen, that ain’t what we are talking about…yet. Satisfy her heart, man…Husbands are to nourish and cherish their wives. To nourish means to provide what is necessary or lacking. And to cherish is to hold something in such high value that your care for it is explicit…that it is obvious to her and to you and to everyone else that she is a treasure. The word is linked to the word beloved or costly. A woman was talking to a friend once and she said, “When I married him he was a multi-millionaire.” And her friend replied, “Wow! Well what is he now?” She said, “A millionaire!” HA! Being married is costly…but that’s not what I’m talking about…men we are to treasure our wives and that means we are to willingly sacrifice for them and overtly show to her and prove to her and message over and over again that she is our treasure! You say well look at her, she doesn’t take care of herself, she’s let herself go…she’s ugly! Let me tell you a story. A farmer had two daughters. One was hot! One was NOT! And one day a gentleman caller came, rich and good-looking…and he came to find a bride. He brought with him a thousand head of cattle as dowry. The farmer introduced him to his two daughters and he proposed to the ugly one! The farmer was astonished! A year later she came back to visit her father and in walked this beautiful, angelic brickhouse WOMAN! He said to his daughter, what HAPPENED TO YOU!? Well, if he thinks I’m a thousand head cattle woman then I’m gonna be that! You see men, she is a reflection of how you make her feel…how you care for her…how you cherish her…a good husband satisfies his wife in terms of affection and she is not satisfied until she knows she is the treasure of her Father’s kingdom, which she is! So, three things…all connected-to and the how-to’s of loving your wife. If you want to be a good husband, if you want to have a great marriage, and if you want to be married to the woman of your dreams…you are to be her savior, her sanctifier and her satisfier…all of these things are EXACTLY how Christ has loved and loves the church. Don’t walk out of her talking about, “I’m going to go be these things.” Walk out of here talking about, “I’m going to give God the “say-so.” Become a man that worships God in your heart of hearts! Thats when the fruit will flow.

Marriage Series Session 1 - Let Love Reign

October 6, 2019 • Pastor Matt Korniotes

It is estimated that there have been written over 100 million songs about love. Out of the 1.1 million feature films, short films and made-for-tv-movies, the majority of them are about love. Half of all adult aged Americans today are married. There are an estimated 100 billion jokes about wives, husbands and marriages…ok that’s just my estimate…but I have brought you one, of course. A woman was caught shoplifting at the grocery store and had to go to court. Her loving husband of course went with her to be by her side. The judge asked her what she stole and her response was, “A can of pears.” The judge looked puzzled for a moment and asked, “How many pears were in the can?” The lady replied, “Six.” Thinking for a minute, the judge said, “Well I am going to sentence you to six years in jail, one for each pair.” The woman was stunned and just then her husband raised her hand. She breathed in an air of relief knowing her husband would reason with the judge. Then he said, “Your honor, she also stole a can of peas!” HA!! We just finished, well three weeks back, 1 Corinthians Chapter 13 which is the chapter in the Bible that gives us the display, the manifestation, the sounding of the more excellent way than any ever created or knowable to man…agape…unconditional self-less love is put on display for us in this chapter. That if you truly do love someone the way that God loves you, the way that God has commanded us to love others, then with them, our love for them is patient, it is kind, it doesn’t envy, doesn’t seek its own…for them and with them, just as Jesus does with me, love bears ALL things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. And no matter what this worldly circumstance turns out to be, love never, in the long run, fails…it’s unstoppable. No expiration and no deterrence. It’s interesting. This kind of love, between God and mankind, bilateral, has a purity factor that pre-dates the fall. And what is equally as important to mention is that so does marriage. God instituted marriage before the fall. It is therefore the original, along with the man’s fellowship agape with his Creator, marriage is the original target of the enemy. Put them together, agape and marriage…number one on the hit list and hate list of Satan himself. You see we all have issues. Every marriage has problems. But, as you walk with the Lord, sanctification has a reversing effect of the fall in your heart and life. Romans 12:1-2 explains that perfectly. And I love what Tony Evans explained once, cracks in your walls cannot be fixed and more will always come, you’ll always be doing patchwork, if you do not fix the foundation that keeps shifting. That foundation…of your walk with the Lord…and primarily in the marriage…is love. The relationship between a man and his wife, a woman and her husband, this is the target bullseye where the enemy does not want love to reign. Why? Because if he can take out the parents, he can harm the children. And if he can destroy the family, he will deal a death blow to the church. And a death blow to the church is a death sentence for the world. Malachi 2:16 says, “For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce, for it covers one’s garment with violence,” says the Lord of hosts, “Therefore take heed to your spirit that you do not deal treacherously.” Two things there to point out…the absence of love in the home, in the covenant of marriage, is a suit of violence for the family. We dress for our employment don’t we? If you work at Chick-Fil-A then you wear your name tag, your shirt…khakis and a red polo if you work at State Farm…you gear up if you’re a policeman or policewoman…if love is not present in your marriage, in your dealings with your spouse, you’re employed in violence in your home. Perhaps not even seen…but there is violence happening within the heart and spirit of all members of your family. Second thing to see, God says to “take heed to your spirit.” Divorce, love, marital problems…these are spiritual issues. I don’t care if the problem is money, intimacy, stress, in-laws…let the list build…the issue is spiritual every time a marriage ends in divorce…every time love is not present in a marriage…and the enemy knows that if he can ensure love does not reign in your marriage, he can spiritually harm, take a spiritual sucker punch swing…at the children. Which he absolutely loves because they are absolutely innocent, and they are absolutely harmed. Reminds him of the cross… The enemy also knows that if he disrupts the family then he can disrupt the church. In 1 Timothy 3 Paul gives the requirements, the qualifications for leadership within the church and he speaks of being a husband, a temperate leader of the home having his children in submission. He says in 1 Timothy 3:5, “For if a man does not know how to lead his own home, how will he take care of the church of God?” But, if love reigns, 1 Corinthians love, the love that is available to you, given for you, waiting in the hands of the Savior for you, the love that pre-dates sin…if love reigns then everything is reversed. You’re not suited in violence, now you awake every day, woke to the mission…aware of your enemy and yet winning, waking every day and putting on a suit of peace! That’s the opposite of violence! Peace. Jesus said in John 14:27, “Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you!” He is where you obtain agape love and He is the tailor to this suit! If love reigns, then the children are secured. They are protected and provided for spiritually. That is spiritual leadership in the house. Not barking bible verses to correct behaviors…but walking with the Lord and leading in love. If love reigns then the body of Christ fortifies and the enemy stands no chance. We’ve spent time going verse by verse through the chapter that puts love on display and marriage is the single-most God-designed other-centered union in the world. It is the place of primary application on this earth of the love we learn of in 1 Corinthians 13. Why on this earth? Because the primary application as a whole where love ought to be applied, sought, strived for…MUST HAVE…is from my heart, from your heart, to God. Jesus said that we ought to love God with all of our heart, soul, mind and strength…primary…and then we can love others as ourselves. Love must reign in your marriage. Love must reign in your homes…or you’re suited up to harm all that you love and all that the Lord is wanting to do through His church. The first thing you need to understand practically about marriage is that God did not create marriage for you to find happiness and fulfillment. That is only and can only be found in a God! In fact, get ready for the flesh to be greatly enhanced! If you have a problem now, getting married will only serve to bring it to the surface! If you’re unhappy now, unfulfilled now, you will be the same as a wife…as a husband. In fact, it will be multiplied. Satan never messed with mankind until they were married… Oh, and he will mess you with. Exploit the vast differences between a man and a woman. Here’s one example. Wife texts her husband, “I got lost!” Husband texts back, “Where are you?” Wife texts back, “In the car!” HA! Happens all the time. Just yesterday, I texted April, “Do we have any extra tickets to the Newsboys concert?” Her response, “Do you want to go!?” THAT’s NOT WHAT I ASKED! HA!! See, let the testing begin!! Genesis 1:27. Marriage was given to us by God that in it we would bear His image on earth. What is the image of God? 1 John 4:8, God is love. Love is everything we’ve learned in 1 Corinthians 13. It is unconditional, unrestricted, unlimited and unequivocal…and that is why divorce is not of God. It is foreign to His nature. Marriage is not a contract, it is a covenant. Malachi 2:14. The difference is that there is no out of a covenant. This is a direct reflection of the image of God…whether the Old or the New Covenant, God gave Himself no out and not for a moment was He or has He been or will He ever turn, He is forever faithful…He has no out. That is a covenant. Marriage is not a deal between two people…it is a covenant between you and God. What is marriage primarily designed to be? A reflection, an image of the power of God, the love of God and the faithfulness of God through His creation. Genesis 1: 28a. Marriage is the primary avenue that God has ordained on earth for the proliferation of His image. Offspring and lineage are not to preserve your name…they are given, the design from the beginning, is that they are to preserve the name of God. This is why God always calls Himself the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, because this is how He reveals Himself to the generations…through the generations! If the enemy can kill the agape, he can kill the lineage…stop the gospel. We wonder how the world has gotten so far off…it’s because the husbands and wives of the church have gotten so far off! And generations that do not worship God are coming out of “church families!” Listen, in marriage you need to establish your home. Genesis 2:24 says, “A man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Close the circle…seal your home. As for me and my house…we shall serve the Lord. Is that true of your home including your dealings with your spouse AND your priorities of schedule with your children? Neglect the whole world rather than neglect what your children need to be spiritually healthy…you say, whatever…he is going to be the next NBA star…that’s exactly what the enemy would want for him too… These are the tenants of a Godly marriage…here are a few bite-size steaks before we close. You can have control, or, you can have connection. But you cannot have both. 1 Corinthians 13:5, “Love does not seek its own.” Forgiveness is strong…love is stronger. 1 Peter 4:8 in quoting Proverbs 10:12 the word used in the Greek for “cover” means to hide the knowledge of a thing…if you love, forgiveness need not be applied. Love is long suffering…not provoked…bears and endures all things. These are the four rings of marriage…the engagement ring, the wedding ring, suffering…and enduring! God never blesses compromise…that’s contract talk. God always blesses sacrifice…because when sacrifice is perceived, mercy arrives. Jesus said in Matthew 9:13, “Go and learn what this means, “I desire mercy, not sacrifice,” for I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” Sacrifice for your spouse welcomes and ignites love…in both hearts. Go-do’s. Erase divorce from your thought-file, option list and word bank. Compliment your spouse. Create pleasurable interactions with and for your spouse. Focus on appreciating your spouse. Say “I love you,” not, “love you,” and say it every day. After being apart for any length of time more than an hour or so, always greet your spouse with affection. Always. And remember, if you get upset with her, if you’re fed up with him, it’s not their fault…it’s God’s. He’s the One that brought you together! HA! Take it to Him…let love lead and reign…fix the foundation…the cracks won’t just fix themselves…they just won’t happen any longer.