Truly, these two topics, money and intimacy could be series in and of themselves. We absolutely have to spend some time talking about them though for several reasons. First, these are tough topics to talk about…they can be confrontational topics and certainly uncomfortable topics and so if we don’t talk about them here, they may never get worked out at all. Second, as I mentioned to you last week, these two topics are the main issues in most marital difficulties. Intimacy may not be the cause and money problems may not be the genesis of the disagreement, but it’s interesting how one of the two, (and typically its problems with or lack of intimacy), that ultimately drive the husband and the wife apart…
Most importantly perhaps, you can be the good husband as we’ve learned and the good wife as we’ve explained, but if your marriage is not in alignment in terms of these topics, especially intimacy, you could yet still miss the marriage God has designed and intended for you and worse yet, you could lose the marriage altogether.
These may sound like small issues…like little problems, but it’s interesting how the little things are the big things. If the enemy can’t have your soul, your heart, your faith, your hope, your life…he switches to a most potent and effective strategy of selecting and targeting the little things that will undermine the big things. Dwight L. Moody once said, “There are many of us that are willing to do great things for the Lord, but few of us are willing to do little things.” Here’s the truth, I pray you figure this out sooner rather than later, if you won’t do the little things, then, in the long run, you will lose the big things…
Turn over to Song of Solomon, chapter 2 and look at verse 15. “Catch us the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vines, for our vines have tender grapes.” Catch them. Take them, hold them, possess them, grasp them, seize them. Don’t just let them be, don’t just let them ‘pan out’ the way they will. But be considerate, be aware, be active…because if you don’t, they will spoil the vines…corrupt the vine, destroy it, travail it, bind it…oh my the frustration and loss in a marriage when two Godly people who love each other become bound by the flesh and miss out on a good godly marriage, why? Because there is no will to fight for goodness, or there is no knowledge of how to fight or no understanding of what on earth to do! I’d like to help today…in a most likely uncomfortable conversation, but you’ll leave out of here knowing you need to fight for awesome intimacy in your marriage, you need to fight for financial alignment and freedom…and I am going to tell you how to fight.
Here’s the thing, the “why.” In the vineyard of my life, my ministry, my career, my job, my parenting, my responsibilities, my faith and especially my marriage to April, I will not settle. I simply won’t do it. I am genuinely confused when I see a man and a woman, a husband and a wife, for that matter a kid and a parent, an employee and a boss, when they are at odds…HOLDING the ability to be made well…and yet they choose misery. Oh, how the heart of the Lord breaks…when He has done all that is possible and given every little thing necessary for all of us to not breath to death but to live filled with love, joy, peace, power, purpose, patience, character and awesomeness. I’m a Christian. And part of that means that I don’t have to and that I’m done settling and I’m done forcing April to settle. We are now fox hunters and our vineyard looking grapey!
Money is an excellent servant, and yet it is the cruelest of masters. There are two things you need to do, agree upon as a couple, in order to make money your servant and stop taking orders from dead presidents and start taking orders from a living Savior. First, you need to honor God with your money. And second, you need to love your spouse MORE than you love money.
If you are not honoring God with your money here’s what’s happening behind the scenes, in the subconscious of the soul…your heart is being torn away, moved away from the Lord and you’re putting yourself in a position outside of God’s order of blessing. Matthew 6:21 says, “Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Every penny you have has been provided by God and yet so few acknowledge that by honoring Him with the tithe and because of it, your heart hides in a way from the Lord. You say the tithe is Old Testament…I say you have a worship disorder. New Testament giving is love the Lord with ALL your heart, ALL your soul, ALL your mind and ALL your strength.
And so, what we have is a husband that worships and a wife that serves and yet together they have not purposed to sacrificially honor God with their giving and so a bit of each of them (behind the conscious scene) doubts themselves and doubts each other in terms of their allegiance and genuineness…why? Because where the faith really materially practically counts, there hasn’t been that commitment between them or that leadership of the husband to worship God and place Him first.
And so the house gets bigger and better and the debt begins to pile and the clutter accumulates because you’re both looking for satisfaction in the provision God has given but that satisfaction is found in purposing to honor God with it…your heart given to the things of the world practically and not to God is you investing in the world and not in the things of the Lord. As a couple, a marriage team, as one, you need to come together and discuss your giving. And you need to validate your faith in your giving.
You say, well we know we can’t give. We don’t make enough and we have too many bills…every bill you have you have chosen. And so, dig out…start now…need help, let’s review your expenditures line by line…but dig out and know this, you can have the conversation now. You say, well I don’t make enough or I am between jobs, get a job. Nothing is beneath the person who is looking to honor those that he loves. Look at what Jesus endured…consider what Joseph endured…
Here’s what’s happens in too many lives and marriages…Isaiah 55:2, “Why do you spend money for what is not bread, and your wages for what does not satisfy?” When the promise of God is given in Malachi 3:10, “Bring all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be food in My house, and try me now in this, says the Lord of hosts, if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you such blessing that there will not be room enough to receive it.”
Show each other that you are committed to the Lord and that your devotion is genuine. Protect your home from what the enemy wants to do…make money your master. Honor God with your money. And love your wife more than you love numbers…and love your husband more than you love numbers. This is the call of God and the traps that you must set to catch the little foxes. If you don’t, money will continue to be a place of contention rather than a place of blessing in your marriage. Imagine, you don’t have enough to buy that thing, the money isn’t piling up like her father was able to do for her…but you’re giving unto the Lord, investing in Him, honoring God and you both know it…so there is a peace in the little things…and they are no longer despised, they are now respected…that’s just one practical result of walking in wisdom financially…there are many more…
Here are a few other quick practical tips. One of you should be the money manager. One of you is better with money. So rather than divide the accounts and divide the responsibility, have the conversation, and one of you serve the other. Also, one account. It’s not her money and my money. Get over yourself. These little foxes destroy, start hunting.
Let’s switch gears to intimacy. Intimacy, at its core, really isn’t just about sex. Men, write that down. Women know that already. They’re like duh while all the men are so confused right now. Listen up, understand, don’t ever forget, when it does come to sexual chemistry in a marriage, I’ve heard it described this way and it is ultimate truth! Men are like microwaves! Always ready to make that meal QUICK. Get to it! Pop that corn! 1 minute and 30 seconds and we are READY! While women are like crock pots. Plug it in and get that thing started before you leave for church so that at dinner time, it’s ready and it’s throughout the whole house! Men, don’t ever forget this! You need to know this!
Intimacy in a marriage is simply about how close you and your spouse are as a committed, loving and affectionate team. And that INCLUDES the physical event of sex but understand, God has designed women (for the most part, sometimes in rare cases, this is reversed…it’s the man) but for the most part, God has designed women and what they desire in terms of intimacy as a direct reflection of how He desires closeness with us. He takes no pleasure in someone who emotionally and spiritually and whole-heartedly worships Him in the church worship service and then spends no time with Him outside of church. HEART-BREAK! He wants to be with us, love us, speak with us, commune with us, constantly…God’s design and desire for intimacy is a constant thing…and here is why so many are frustrated in their marriages.
Men frustrated because the event is a non-event and women frustrated because their husbands are clueless and acting like pouty animals! HA! So, please, let me help.
First, very serious stuff, this is for married folk! If you are not married, you are not intimate. That’s a fact. If you’re having sex, you’re not having intimacy because there is no covenant connection. You cannot have an intimate walk and connection with God, there is no communion with God, without covenant relationship. So, it is with humans. If you’re having sex outside of marriage then you are not only outside the will and command of God but you are doing two things.
First, very serious stuff, you are proving something to eachother who may or may not be your future spouse. The most important person to you is God and yet God has commanded. So, you are proving to one another and really to yourselves that you can be unfaithful to the Person most important to you…red flag. Why would you ever ever ever want to marry someone who is so conflicted and dishonest…?
The second thing you’re doing is that you are, or already have created a situation, where sex in your marriage will be harmed. You’re setting yourself up for sexual problems when you are married…why? Because sex outside of marriage is different than sex in marriage and now the water is muddy…if this is you then today is the day to stop and let the Lord heal you. Exodus 15:26 says, “If you diligently heed the voice of the Lord your God and do what is right in His sight, give ear to His commandments and keep all His statutes, I will put none of the diseases on you which I have brought on the Egyptians…for I am the Lord who heals you.”
God heals. God created sex. He created it for marriage. His idea…its not a bad thing at all…it’s the best thing of all…but look at what the enemy has attacked and cheapened! Turn over to Song of Solomon, Chapter 7, and just look with me at verses 1 and 2! This is the word of God! These are not the best lines anymore though, HA! They’re not as good as, “I went on a mission with my church, but all I ended up doing was missing you!” HA! “Girl, you are so unblemished its difficult not to just sacrifice you!” HA! Ok, my point is that sex is God designed, passion and desire and affection and intimacy, all His thing…and I can’t stress this strongly enough: a marriage devoid of romance and sexual appreciation with each other is not how God designed marriage to function.
Physical intimacy is not optional in marriage. When you, husbands, ignore this God-given gift and truly His will and command to cultivate intimacy and romance with your wife, she is left with a void in her soul. Your romantic and sexual advances have tremendous power to set her apart as a woman and affirm her value. But rejection in the bedroom places her on emotional quicksand. She’ll spend hours, even days or more, trying to understand why she is so undesirable. Flip it around the other way and when you wives do not prioritize intimacy with your husband it leaves him frustrated and even resentful. An insecure frustrated wife and a resentful frustrated husband make everything harder. Every other issue…mole hills become mountains.
You gotta fix this!! How much better would life be, the marriage be, the home be, the day be, the life be if she was the fascinating virtuous goddess always with a hint of promise towards pleasure and he was the irresistible magnetic hunk, always with an air of preoccupation with the hotness of his goddess!? You know what!? Not only can it be that way, not only SHOULD it be that way, but that is the WAY God designed it all! Go and read Song of Solomon in total…HA!!
So, let me give you some extremely practical things, and one I know will shock you, on how you go and fix this TODAY. How about I start with that one… We’re fed this idea that we should only have sex when we’re “in the mood.” This is how unfulfilled, sexless marriages happen. One of y’all isn’t “in the mood” and doesn’t think he or she needs to be, and therefore the partner with the higher libido, or the desire, or just simply the NEED, feels ashamed or rejected for wanting sex. This leaves one partner feeling hounded for sex all the time and the other feeling pathetic for wanting it—not a healthy relationship at all.
I implore all married couples! This is my commandment! HA! That’s how important this is and YOU NEED TO DO THIS. Sit down with your wife, your husband, and discuss a sex schedule! Yup. An agreement that both of you will hold to no matter how the days goes or whatever, that no matter what, sex is going to happen. Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday…no matter what…sex nights! And then you hold to it!
This is freedom. This is health. This is strategy. This is wisdom. Look, if a man (typically it’s the man, sometimes it’s the woman), if a man knows that there will be sex tonight, he’s free to now just be thankful, appreciating, comfortable, not wondering…and the flirting will happen. Why? Because he knows the night is coming! Take that away and…well have you ever seen a dog eat? No enjoyment! No savoring! They just wolf it down! Why? They have NO IDEA when they are going to be fed again! So, they are desperate! Same with a man…the schedule takes the desperation out of it all and the manipulation out of it all…so set the schedule, hold to it. Don’t ever miss unless there is business travel or someone is sick or whatever…but if its possible, even if you’re fighting, it’s happening.
All these problems in marriages I’ve seen…my question, how’s your sex life? Typical response, HA! What sex life! Go away, have sex at least three times a week for the next four weeks…and guess what, they typically don’t need to come back. Why? Because they are connecting, coming together…anyone who believes that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach flunked geography! All of the tertiary pervasive problems that exist because of a break down in intimacy are gone, and they can handle their own problems now! No, it’s not that they love each other, its that they ARE LOVING each other! And hearts heal…because this is what God has commanded. So, schedule up and throw in a bonus night in every now and then! DO IT!
An article I read says that the average is once a week and 15% report they haven’t in the past six months. Pathetic!! Listen, you need to be coming together! Regularly and often or the connection won’t be there! Intimacy is the key. It is the only thing you share with your spouse that no one else on this earth has with you…without it, you’re just roommates…a couple of other tips.
Anything goes! People ask me this often. What’s ok to do and what’s not ok to do? Easy answer. Do whatever you want to do…just keep it between you and him, you and her. No one else needs to know and NO ONE else should ever be included. Hebrews 13:4 says, “The wedding bed is not defiled.” So, if you want to dress up like storm troopers and chase each other around the house, close the blinds and game on!
More, take the TV out of your bedroom and put the phone down, especially on sex nights. Talk about NOTHING else once you are getting to it. Don’t dilly dally. Get the kids to bed and get to it! Prioritize intimacy in your marriage. If you don’t you’re inviting the fox into the vineyard and before you know it, the spark is gone…don’t allow that to happen…
Remember, you can be the good husband as we’ve learned and the good wife as we’ve explained, and if your marriage is not in alignment in terms of these topics, especially intimacy, you could yet still miss the marriage God has designed and intended for you and worse yet, you could lose the marriage altogether.
These may sound like small issues…like little problems, but it’s interesting how the little things are the big things. What we’ve discussed today, this is how to fight for what God has already given you that the enemy is doing a wondrous job at destroying! We always try to fix the big things, worry about the big things, listen the big things are for the Lord to fix…His call to us is to do the little things, that’s what we can do…so I pray today you walk away with a call to arms in your own marriage. On all that we’ve covered in this series. Letting love reign, serving each other and serving the Lord with your marriage. Being a good woman and a good man as an inroad to being a good wife and a good husband…and then to handle these two areas that demolish love…handle them with wisdom and aggression, that God may be honored in your life and your marriage. And I gotta say, the best way to honor God is to receive all that He has secured for us by His blood…in the midst of this preview to hell that life can be, the children and trusters and worshippers of God will overcome this world and live this life as the preview to heaven God has purposed.
Marriage Series Session 6 - Money and Intimacy
Calvary Chapel Cherry Creek
November 24, 2019 • Pastor Matt Korniotes
Ephesians 5 vs 22-33 Study 3
June 4, 2023 • Pastor Matt Korniotes • Ephesians 5:22–33
Assembly instructions have come with marriage just like a piece of Ikea furniture. It’s there, in the box, but it begins in pieces. But there’s hope. A little piece of paper that says, this piece goes here and this piece goes there. And if you follow the instructions, you get what you intended to buy…, if not, you have a pile of pieces. Now, sometimes putting that piece of furniture together with your spouse can be…trying, and the tools they give you in the box are just the worst. HA! But nevertheless, follow the instructions, and you’ll get what you want… Ephesians Chapter 5 Verses 25 - 33 In these verses there is essentially only one directive towards husbands, God’s intention for him, us, me…and it’s not only the key but also the only imperative, the must have that God has given to us in designing the family and the home, not to subject us to some sort of life-long hardship but rather to establish us as kingdom men, husbands, fathers and sons. Now, we’ll look at all of what Paul has said, but none of it works or even makes sense unless we understand, accept and apply the one directive. And that must for a husband towards his wife is to love her. Now, men, we aren’t finished. Because inherent in God’s command/call is also the necessity to seek the Lord. Why? You aren’t going to naturally love your wives and you don’t naturally even know what this love is… And here’s the problem, she does. She’s wired this way. To understand love and to understand and sense when she is loved and when she is not being loved. And so, to figure this out, it’s not “ok let me go love my wife,” unfortunately and frustratingly its far more than that… What we are going to see is that to do these things as God has commanded, requires tremendous determination and as we look at this together, try not to get discouraged, because it’s been said, “Everything is hard until its easy.” We first need to understand this word. Words are cheap in the English language and I love my car, I love my job, I love a perfectly prepared steak, is that, are those how I should love my wife? (Maybe if you’re Jeffrey Dahmer! HA!) What happens when my car breaks down? When my job gets hard and people make my day cruddy? Still love my job? What happens when the steak is well done? Blasphemy! HA! In the Greek, there are actually four words for love. And the word used in conversation, what word was used, made all the difference. There’s “storge” which is the word for familial love. The naturally developing affectionate bond between parents, siblings, etc. And that’s an important one because it’s quite special. You don’t quite love anyone the way you love your child. That’s “storge.” Not what we’re talking about in Ephesians Chapter 5. There’s “phileo.” This is the emotional love between good friends. A brotherly love. This a love founded on, based in and maintained in a give and take type relationship. This love is a response to someone who treats you a certain way. If your friend doesn’t treat you right, you say, “I thought we were friends.” Therefore, this is a “you stop, I stop” love. This is not what we’re talking about in Ephesian Chapter 5. There’s another word for love that is most popular and prevalent today and that is the Greek word “eros.” Eros is a sensual, romantic, fleshly need type love, and this is the love that we hear of in all the songs, see in all the movies and this is the love that our global society is most, if not only, concerned with. Eros love is basically lust. I have needs, those needs are natural, I want those needs filled, and the filling of my needs is to love and to be loved. This is the love that men very naturally understand… but not the love we’re talking about in Ephesians 5… This is why “love is love” is absolutely correct. Whether I choose an animal, a tree, or another human to marry, love is most certainly love when we are talking eros. And eros is not mentioned once in the Bible. Hold that thought. The final and fourth word for love in the Greek language is “agape.” This is the highest of the four types of love and truly in the company of the other three words, this one stands alone and one could say that this is the only one we should even call love once you understand what it is. The problem is that we (English language) have one word for the four ideas we’ve learned… Agape is perfect. God is perfect and 1 John 4:8 says, “God IS love,” and therefore this love is…, perfect. It is pure. Without blemish. Without fail and fallacy. It is unconditional. This is not an emotion at all…, that’s “phileo.” This is not a feeling at all…, that’s “eros.” This is agape and it means “decision, commitment, covenant.” This word for love means discipline and determination. We will build this out but this is the love we are, non-negotiable, to have and to express for and towards our wives. It’s major. And let me tell you men this, “discipline weighs ounces, regret weighs tons, and success is tons of discipline!” This is truly impossible if your focus is on your relationship with her… I believe that’s why Paul points us to Jesus here in Ephesians 5… Ok, back to an earlier thought for just a moment. This is why “love is love” is correct but it’s also incorrect. In the understanding of the world, “eros is eros” is entirely right! Applaud! Makes sense! Duh! Marry your car! HA! But “love is love,” “eros is agape,” is entirely WRONG because unconditional, commitment love has nothing to do with the filling of fleshly needs/wants love. Totally wrong. In fact, to affirm “eros is agape,” is to make God into some sort of humanistic physical force, which in other words, the flesh. But Jesus said in John 4:24 that “God is Spirit…” So, is eros eros? OF COURSE. Is eros agape? Not even in the same category and to get there, one has to deny God… See the problem? Between the church and the world, same word, different language… When you take a wife unto yourself, this is the command, key, advice, counsel and non-negotiable that God has directed of His sons. To love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her… The decision of agape, the commitment, the covenant is that no longer are my needs, emotions, thoughts and priorities the aim and goal of my moment, day, or life… But all of those things are now her. Let’s put this in context… Husbands love your wives just as Christ also loved the church. Who is the church? Its you and its me. So, husbands, love your wives as Jesus loves you. How does Jesus love you? What are the conditions? The only condition is His goodness. What if you never do anything right? Does Jesus still love you? Duh. What if you deny Him over and over again, does Jesus still love you? Duh… Do the priorities, thoughts, aims and goals of Jesus matter? Absolutely. And these are presented to us in the Word and in our relationship with Him. Is there intense blessing in submitting to Jesus? Absolutely! But, does Jesus love me even if I couldn’t care less about His priorities? Duh. Jesus said to His disciples in Matthew 28:20, “I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” But what if…, there are no what ifs in agape… And this is the single directive of God towards husbands… All of the problems in your relationship with your wife, if you really think about it, are due to our wives not phileo-ing us or our wives not eros-ing us. If you wrap everything into and around agape, your problems disappear. Romans 5:8 says that while we were yet sinners, God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that He gave His life! Do you know how much God hates sin? Psalm 7:11 says, “God is angry with the wicked every day!” He sees all my mess, my sin, my mistakes, my rebellion, my attitude, my terrible…all of it…and decides to love me anyway! “I hate what you’re doing but even so I’m going to demonstrate My love towards you.” That is agape and the single call, directive or the husband or the marriage will remain in pieces. In John 14:21 we read, “He who has My commandments and keeps them, it is he who loves Me. And he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and manifest Myself to him.” There is a direct correlation to love and action. A direct correlation to love and what you DO. Agape love is demonstrated. That is how it is expressed, communicated and carried out. You can look at the cross and see love. Love/agape is always measured in action. “I tell my wife I love her all the time.” Worthless. That’s respect. You ought to do that as the Bible does say to give honor to your wife, but in the grand scheme of the love she needs and the love we are directed to demonstrate, words on their own are worthless. Paul writes that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church and Isaiah tells us in chapter 53:5, “He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed.” AND verse 7 says, “He was oppressed and He was afflicted, yet He opened not His mouth; He was led as a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before its shearers is silent, so He opened not His mouth.” That is love and character and grit all wrapped into one…that is husbandry. Men, husbands, when we say I do what we are vowing to do is to take stripes for the rest of our lives in order to heal our wives. God will work in your wife and change your wife but not without you taking stripes. And Agape expects nothing, asks for nothing and complains about nothing. It just agape’s… This is the love you must decide is the way you are going to love your wives… Here’s why intense, tremendous determination is involved! Big statement: “The quality of your thinking is the ability to determine the long term effects of your current actions.” Paul says in Ephesians 5 that sanctifying and cleansing and washing her with the water of the Word of God, making her a glorious wife without spot or wrinkle or any such things, making your marriage and home holy and without blemish and ultimately being like Christ is nothing but and everything about agape love of the husband toward the wife. She will heal as you take stripes without any expectation of anything in return… Let’s get ultra practical just for a moment and then we are done. 1 Peter 3:7 says, “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife…” What this means, which is a critical part of agepe-ing your wife is that you are to understand her! Which husband in here can understand his wife? HAHAHAHA! ZERO of us, and so we need help! Who is the greatest help in understanding our wives? OUR WIVES! But they won’t tell us! HA! SO, what must we do? Study them and ask questions and try things and figure it out. Look, if y’all can be mechanics and figure out that noise when you were making that turn is the CV Boot leaking grease off the CV Axle…, just from a click during a turn, you can learn what your wife does and doesn’t like! What makes her tick! But you’re going to need to study her in order to agape her… Without knowing what makes her tick, you can’t honor her…, and here is perhaps the most critical demonstration of agape from you to her…, to honor her is to make her feel good about who she is… We MUST do that! You used to do that…, remember, BEFORE you were married! Words won’t do it. Agape does it… And a woman that feels good about who she is, will make you feel good about who you are…, just sayin! So, do something small every day. Something just for her. And don’t tell her, don’t expect anything in return, just serve her. Empty the dishwasher. Wash her car. Make the bed. Just something like that. Many wives may have a heart attack after today…, HA! Stop being so boring! Be silly, be funny, do something out of the ordinary a few times a month. Be creative! You were before you got married, what happened? Date her. Make her think during her day, “I can’t wait to be with him.” Give her “me” time away from you and the kids. Letting her unwind and have some time to herself messages to her that she is important… Do love her with words, but do this during the day…, not just at 10pm when you’re hoping they pay off! HA! No, love her with kindness and with husband type words at 10am and expect nothing in return. Do it simply because this is how you obey God in your marriage. I know all this sounds difficult but to be a husband that agape’s his wife is to follow Jesus and truer words have not been spoken during our times today than these…, husbandry is the primary way that God is making every married man like Himself. Proverbs 18:22 says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing.” Because this is the primary avenue God is going to work in your life to make you more like Him. And He is awesome. Husbands as you agape her, you’ll be blessed in your relationship with God and your relationship with your wife. This is your only directive…, requires tremendous determination, but it will get good…, everything is hard until its easy! Imagine if this was no longer a burden task, but just simply who you are as a man…, I DEFINITELY want to be that!
Ephesians 5 vs 22-33 Study 2
May 28, 2023 • Pastor Matt Korniotes • Ephesians 5:22–33
Assembly instructions have come with marriage just like a piece of Ikea furniture. It’s there, in the box, but it begins in pieces. But there’s hope. A little piece of paper that says, this piece goes here and this piece goes there. And if you follow the instructions, you get what you intended to buy…, if not, you have a pile of pieces. Now, sometimes putting that piece of furniture together with your spouse can be…trying, and the tools they give you in the box are just the worst. HA! But nevertheless, follow the instructions, and you’ll get what you want… Ephesians Chapter 5 Verses 22 – 24, 33 In these verses there are essentially two directives towards wives, intentions that God had in designing the family and the home, that He has given us not to subject us to some sort of life-long hardship but rather to give us the keys to unlocking His plan for our marriages. There are only two things here and we will spend our time today exploring them. Submit The directive to submit has been so very damaged and twisted. No wonder. Jesus came and said, “God has said,” but the enemy came and said, “Has God said…” He’s been twisting scriptures since before they were scriptures. Submission is spiritually nothing about human person over person authority and everything about assembly instructions…, everything about love. Most men, the vast majority and truly all Godly men, we don’t want or need or even truly benefit from submission, what we need and benefit from as a family and truly what we want is support support. One team. One purpose. One Home. For this reason, a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to His wife and the two shall become one. It is the support of one thing that allows the formation of the other. Unless the foundation supports the flooring, there will be no home. Unless the fuel supports the combustion, there will be no acceleration. To submit to your own husband is to formulate a response to faith personally that results in a peace within your home, family and even your husband himself. Wives, as the earthly companion to your husband, he should be able to assume with ease his God given responsibility in the home… Proverbs 31:10-11, “Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies. The heart of her husband safely trusts her; so, he will have no lack of gain.” A submissive wife is not a mousy wife but rather a life partner that adds to her home and to her husband all the things he has not on his own. Affirmation, stability, construction towards usefulness in the kingdom. God looked at man and said it’s not good for him to be alone. Even in the midst of perfection there was a discouragement in the man as he looked at how each animal had his companion and yet he did not. And so, God gave Eve to Adam to complete him and be his help-mate. Proverbs 31:12, “She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.” She is not his battle, she is the reason he wins his battles. And together they take on the world which pleases the Father as both His children whom He loves so dearly are sent out two by two to not be discouraged nor destroyed but to be established. Proverbs 31:23, “Her husband is known in the gates,” respected as a judge and leader of men…, because she supports his own growth towards Godliness and she props us his good reputation. Proverbs 31:26, “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness.” This is the key ingredient in the recipe for support in the home towards your man. Kindness. Kindness is everything. Kindness means you work to center…, you wives initiate and lead the charge towards goodness in your relationship. This is the desire of your husband but he has no idea how to do it, and yet for the wife, this is the greatest and most effective tool you have in your quiver. Men are EASY. Tell us we’re pretty and show us kindness and we will thrive. Proverbs 31:27, “She watches over her household,” takes accountability for the home, and her children and husband call her their biggest blessing and praise. This is all that it is to submit to and support your husband and this is why God has given him, brought him to you. Proverbs 31:30, “A woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.” Your reward of supporting your husband will be that you are celebrated and the pieces come together to make what they were intended to become. This is to submit to your own husband as unto the Lord because all of that comes from fearing the Lord. Which leads us to the second thing, directive two of two towards wives in Ephesians 5. FEAR In the end of this verse set, this advice, guidance, counsel, design and directive of the Holy Spirit, we read, “Let the wife see that she respects her husband.” This is the only time, out of 93 times, that this word in the Greek is translated as “respect” in all of scripture. The word in the Greek is “phobeo,” which is every other time translated, all 92 other times, as to fear. What on earth are we talking about here? Is respect an appropriate translation? Absolutely. After we look at this a bit in context of the entirety of scripture, I think “respect” hit the mark well. Other well mark hitters include, “reverence,” and to “treat with deference.” There’s something entirely special and unlike any other the way the wife is to treat the husband. Perhaps better said, the way the husband so desperately desires to be treated by his wife. Ok, lets look at this word fear. Is it the right word to use here in the Greek? OF COURSE! This is the word of God! So is the wife to fear her own husband. Absolutely! BUT, what does that mean? Scripture really helps us out here and I want to step through a few things that make total sense and really, as a man, as a husband, resonate in my own mind and heart. Just one statement though, wife, are you afraid of your husband suffering? This really is the fear that I believe God is talking about… Do you care, is it something that even sets you to flight, puts you to action, the thought that he’s hurting and you could either turn that hurt off or help him in it? If so, you’re a good wife. And I think that is the foundation of this directive design given to us by God. What does God mean by wives, a good wife, fears her husband (because that is literally what it says here)? Looking at the other 92 times this word is used in scripture is a huge HUGE help. Let’s start with what it is NOT. It is NOT to fear your husband in some sort of way in terms of hurt, abuse, misuse or domination. 365 times we read in the Bible that we are to “fear not,” and so there is no way God repeated Himself hundreds of times telling us to not be fearful and then turns around and tells wives to be fearful, so we are talking about something else entirely with what is demanded of wives in Ephesians 5. 1 John 4:18 tells us, “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.” And so, we know this fear as wives are to fear their husbands, has nothing to do with torment in anyway towards wives from husbands. Ok, first stop, and I want to move through these rather quickly, Mark 4:41, “And they feared exceedingly, and said to one another, “Who can this be, that even the wind and the sea obey Him!” To fear your husband is to look for things about him and physically affirm what it is in him that is admirable and wow-ing. Husbands, we love that, and from our wives turns our heart to joy. Here's another example of that. Mark 5:15, “Then they came to Jesus, and saw the one who had been demon-possessed and had the legion, sitting and clothed and in his right mind. And they were afraid.” They weren’t afraid that Jesus was going to hurt or dominate them here. That’s not why they feared. They feared because they acknowledged His greatness and His power. A good wife will do this often for her husband. (Ladies are you taking notes? If not, what is wrong with you!? HA) Mark 5:25-34, “Now a certain woman had a flow of blood for twelve years, and had suffered many things from many physicians. She had spent all that she had and was no better, but rather grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came behind Him in the crowd and touched His garment. For she said, “If only I may touch His clothes, I shall be made well.” Immediately the fountain of her blood was dried up, and she felt in her body that she was healed of the [affliction. And Jesus, immediately knowing in Himself that power had gone out of Him, turned around in the crowd and said, “Who touched My clothes?” But His disciples said to Him, “You see the multitude thronging You, and You say, ‘Who touched Me?’” And He looked around to see her who had done this thing. But the woman, fearing and trembling, knowing what had happened to her (that she had been healed), came and fell down before Him and told Him the whole truth. And He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace, and be healed of your affliction.” Is she afraid in a bad way of Jesus? Absolutely not. She is knowing, acknowledging, seeing, expressing, communicating how He has helped and supported and healed her and that is the emotion, the action of fear here. Wives, you are better for having your husband. What God has brought together, let no man break apart. A good wife takes the time to think through how she has been healed, helped, positively supported, partnershipped by her husband and she hides it in her heart and that creates KINDNESS towards him. And oh, by the way, if you tell him, you’ll heal anything broken in him… This woman told Jesus the WHOLE truth! Next up, Mark 6:20, “For Herod feared John, knowing that he was a just and holy man, and he protected him. And when he heard him, he did many things, and heard him gladly.” This is a great example of such a wonderful fear from one person towards another. Most wives will receive Biblical counsel and correction from any man except her own husband and that is not only tragic but disastrous to a man’s inner self. When your man prays, teaches, exhorts, and perhaps even corrects, he ought to be treated with deference by his wife. Do you know that your husband is just and holy? See, so much needs to be corrected not in the relationship but in your own heart because if he is a Christian like you, he’s just and he is holy…, or you’re not… And this fear produced a desire to protect John. A good wife is protective of her husband and the first threat is her own sin…that is respect at its finest! Look at this one…, Mark 10:32, “Now they were on the road, going up to Jerusalem, and Jesus was going before them; and they were amazed (fearful). And as they followed they were afraid. Then He took the twelve aside again and began to tell them the things that would happen to Him.” Let your husband amaze you… Do you know why he doesn’t? Because you take him for granted… How’d you get here today? In a car, right… First time you rode in a car, amazing…. 10,000th time, not so amazing. What changed? Being a good wife has very little to do with him, doesn’t it? See, we’re scratching on the intent behind Ephesians 5… A few more, Luke 1:50, “And His mercy is on those who fear Him from generation to generation.” Every man in this room who is a Christian is extremely EXTREMELY merciful…, to those who fear hurting him… Acts 10:2, “A devout man and one who feared God with all his household, who gave alms generously to the people, and prayed to God always.” A person that is fearful in a great and Godly way is a giving person. Are you giving towards your husband? Good wives are, and without condition…. Enough said there… Romans 11:20, “Well said. Because of unbelief they were broken off, and you stand by faith. Do not be haughty, but fear.” The opposite of fearfulness is pridefulness. A wife is to not approach her husband with a haughty spirit. There are only a few things that destroy a marriage faster and worse than that. Work towards center. When you argue, argue for the health of the relationship, not for the personal perspective you have… That is to fear… One final one, Gal 2:12, “For before certain men came from James, he would eat with the Gentiles; but when they came, he withdrew and separated himself, fearing those who were of the circumcision.” This is an interesting use of the word and applicable in context to our discussion today. If you don’t fear your husband in a Godly way, he will fear you in a tragic way. A way that drives you apart. Respect is so important and such a need to a man, and specifically a husband, that to remain in close proximity to someone who doesn’t respect him literally destroys him over and over again in his heart of hearts. So, he will, MUST, withdrawal… Now, this is a lot, I know…, wives, you’ll need to probably listen to this again, read these notes again, and if you truly desire to honor the Lord in your marriage, well, Paul says here, “Let the wife SEE that she respects her husband,” the result of what you’ve learned today won’t be a feeling, emotion, decision or thought but it will be action that you not only watch for and take inventory of but because you love the Lord and love your husband, these (just like they are to the Lord) are today non-negotiables to you personally. And God is going to richly richly bless your marriage and your family through you because you are now not submitted to your husband, but truly you are submitted and trusting in God. Summary Wives, two directives or the marriage remains in pieces: 1. Submit a. Be your husband’s greatest support b. Cultivate ease in your husband’s life c. Affirm and stabilize your husband d. Be the reason he wins his battles e. Support his good reputation f. Lead with kindness in your home and work to center g. Watch over and protect your husband 2. Fear a. Express respect towards your husbands b. Treat your husband with deference c. Be afraid of your husband suffering d. Look for things about him that wow you e. Acknowledge the great/powerful things about your husband f. Be thankful for how he has partnered with you in life g. Don’t take your husband for granted h. Unconditionally Giving i. Present Humility j. Respect should be able to be inventoried