Ephesians 5 vs 22-33 Study 4

June 11, 2023 • Kristin Coupal, Pastor Jon Coupal • Ephesians 5:22–33

Ephesians 5 vs 22-33 Study 3

June 4, 2023 • Pastor Matt Korniotes • Ephesians 5:22–33

Assembly instructions have come with marriage just like a piece of Ikea furniture. It’s there, in the box, but it begins in pieces. But there’s hope. A little piece of paper that says, this piece goes here and this piece goes there. And if you follow the instructions, you get what you intended to buy…, if not, you have a pile of pieces. Now, sometimes putting that piece of furniture together with your spouse can be…trying, and the tools they give you in the box are just the worst. HA! But nevertheless, follow the instructions, and you’ll get what you want… Ephesians Chapter 5 Verses 25 - 33 In these verses there is essentially only one directive towards husbands, God’s intention for him, us, me…and it’s not only the key but also the only imperative, the must have that God has given to us in designing the family and the home, not to subject us to some sort of life-long hardship but rather to establish us as kingdom men, husbands, fathers and sons. Now, we’ll look at all of what Paul has said, but none of it works or even makes sense unless we understand, accept and apply the one directive. And that must for a husband towards his wife is to love her.   Now, men, we aren’t finished. Because inherent in God’s command/call is also the necessity to seek the Lord. Why? You aren’t going to naturally love your wives and you don’t naturally even know what this love is… And here’s the problem, she does. She’s wired this way. To understand love and to understand and sense when she is loved and when she is not being loved. And so, to figure this out, it’s not “ok let me go love my wife,” unfortunately and frustratingly its far more than that… What we are going to see is that to do these things as God has commanded, requires tremendous determination and as we look at this together, try not to get discouraged, because it’s been said, “Everything is hard until its easy.”   We first need to understand this word. Words are cheap in the English language and I love my car, I love my job, I love a perfectly prepared steak, is that, are those how I should love my wife? (Maybe if you’re Jeffrey Dahmer! HA!) What happens when my car breaks down? When my job gets hard and people make my day cruddy? Still love my job? What happens when the steak is well done? Blasphemy! HA!   In the Greek, there are actually four words for love. And the word used in conversation, what word was used, made all the difference. There’s “storge” which is the word for familial love. The naturally developing affectionate bond between parents, siblings, etc. And that’s an important one because it’s quite special. You don’t quite love anyone the way you love your child. That’s “storge.” Not what we’re talking about in Ephesians Chapter 5.   There’s “phileo.” This is the emotional love between good friends. A brotherly love. This a love founded on, based in and maintained in a give and take type relationship. This love is a response to someone who treats you a certain way. If your friend doesn’t treat you right, you say, “I thought we were friends.” Therefore, this is a “you stop, I stop” love. This is not what we’re talking about in Ephesian Chapter 5.   There’s another word for love that is most popular and prevalent today and that is the Greek word “eros.” Eros is a sensual, romantic, fleshly need type love, and this is the love that we hear of in all the songs, see in all the movies and this is the love that our global society is most, if not only, concerned with. Eros love is basically lust. I have needs, those needs are natural, I want those needs filled, and the filling of my needs is to love and to be loved. This is the love that men very naturally understand… but not the love we’re talking about in Ephesians 5…   This is why “love is love” is absolutely correct. Whether I choose an animal, a tree, or another human to marry, love is most certainly love when we are talking eros. And eros is not mentioned once in the Bible. Hold that thought. The final and fourth word for love in the Greek language is “agape.” This is the highest of the four types of love and truly in the company of the other three words, this one stands alone and one could say that this is the only one we should even call love once you understand what it is. The problem is that we (English language) have one word for the four ideas we’ve learned…   Agape is perfect. God is perfect and 1 John 4:8 says, “God IS love,” and therefore this love is…, perfect. It is pure. Without blemish. Without fail and fallacy. It is unconditional. This is not an emotion at all…, that’s “phileo.” This is not a feeling at all…, that’s “eros.” This is agape and it means “decision, commitment, covenant.” This word for love means discipline and determination. We will build this out but this is the love we are, non-negotiable, to have and to express for and towards our wives. It’s major. And let me tell you men this, “discipline weighs ounces, regret weighs tons, and success is tons of discipline!” This is truly impossible if your focus is on your relationship with her… I believe that’s why Paul points us to Jesus here in Ephesians 5…   Ok, back to an earlier thought for just a moment. This is why “love is love” is correct but it’s also incorrect. In the understanding of the world, “eros is eros” is entirely right! Applaud! Makes sense! Duh! Marry your car! HA! But “love is love,” “eros is agape,” is entirely WRONG because unconditional, commitment love has nothing to do with the filling of fleshly needs/wants love. Totally wrong. In fact, to affirm “eros is agape,” is to make God into some sort of humanistic physical force, which in other words, the flesh. But Jesus said in John 4:24 that “God is Spirit…” So, is eros eros? OF COURSE. Is eros agape? Not even in the same category and to get there, one has to deny God… See the problem? Between the church and the world, same word, different language…   When you take a wife unto yourself, this is the command, key, advice, counsel and non-negotiable that God has directed of His sons. To love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her… The decision of agape, the commitment, the covenant is that no longer are my needs, emotions, thoughts and priorities the aim and goal of my moment, day, or life… But all of those things are now her.   Let’s put this in context… Husbands love your wives just as Christ also loved the church. Who is the church? Its you and its me. So, husbands, love your wives as Jesus loves you. How does Jesus love you? What are the conditions? The only condition is His goodness. What if you never do anything right? Does Jesus still love you? Duh. What if you deny Him over and over again, does Jesus still love you? Duh…   Do the priorities, thoughts, aims and goals of Jesus matter? Absolutely. And these are presented to us in the Word and in our relationship with Him. Is there intense blessing in submitting to Jesus? Absolutely! But, does Jesus love me even if I couldn’t care less about His priorities? Duh. Jesus said to His disciples in Matthew 28:20, “I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” But what if…, there are no what ifs in agape… And this is the single directive of God towards husbands…   All of the problems in your relationship with your wife, if you really think about it, are due to our wives not phileo-ing us or our wives not eros-ing us. If you wrap everything into and around agape, your problems disappear. Romans 5:8 says that while we were yet sinners, God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that He gave His life! Do you know how much God hates sin?   Psalm 7:11 says, “God is angry with the wicked every day!” He sees all my mess, my sin, my mistakes, my rebellion, my attitude, my terrible…all of it…and decides to love me anyway! “I hate what you’re doing but even so I’m going to demonstrate My love towards you.” That is agape and the single call, directive or the husband or the marriage will remain in pieces.   In John 14:21 we read, “He who has My commandments and keeps them, it is he who loves Me. And he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and manifest Myself to him.” There is a direct correlation to love and action. A direct correlation to love and what you DO. Agape love is demonstrated. That is how it is expressed, communicated and carried out. You can look at the cross and see love. Love/agape is always measured in action.   “I tell my wife I love her all the time.” Worthless. That’s respect. You ought to do that as the Bible does say to give honor to your wife, but in the grand scheme of the love she needs and the love we are directed to demonstrate, words on their own are worthless.   Paul writes that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church and Isaiah tells us in chapter 53:5, “He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed.” AND verse 7 says, “He was oppressed and He was afflicted, yet He opened not His mouth; He was led as a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before its shearers is silent, so He opened not His mouth.” That is love and character and grit all wrapped into one…that is husbandry.   Men, husbands, when we say I do what we are vowing to do is to take stripes for the rest of our lives in order to heal our wives. God will work in your wife and change your wife but not without you taking stripes. And Agape expects nothing, asks for nothing and complains about nothing. It just agape’s… This is the love you must decide is the way you are going to love your wives… Here’s why intense, tremendous determination is involved! Big statement: “The quality of your thinking is the ability to determine the long term effects of your current actions.” Paul says in Ephesians 5 that sanctifying and cleansing and washing her with the water of the Word of God, making her a glorious wife without spot or wrinkle or any such things, making your marriage and home holy and without blemish and ultimately being like Christ is nothing but and everything about agape love of the husband toward the wife. She will heal as you take stripes without any expectation of anything in return…   Let’s get ultra practical just for a moment and then we are done. 1 Peter 3:7 says, “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife…” What this means, which is a critical part of agepe-ing your wife is that you are to understand her! Which husband in here can understand his wife? HAHAHAHA! ZERO of us, and so we need help! Who is the greatest help in understanding our wives? OUR WIVES!   But they won’t tell us! HA! SO, what must we do? Study them and ask questions and try things and figure it out. Look, if y’all can be mechanics and figure out that noise when you were making that turn is the CV Boot leaking grease off the CV Axle…, just from a click during a turn, you can learn what your wife does and doesn’t like! What makes her tick! But you’re going to need to study her in order to agape her…   Without knowing what makes her tick, you can’t honor her…, and here is perhaps the most critical demonstration of agape from you to her…, to honor her is to make her feel good about who she is… We MUST do that! You used to do that…, remember, BEFORE you were married! Words won’t do it. Agape does it… And a woman that feels good about who she is, will make you feel good about who you are…, just sayin!   So, do something small every day. Something just for her. And don’t tell her, don’t expect anything in return, just serve her. Empty the dishwasher. Wash her car. Make the bed. Just something like that. Many wives may have a heart attack after today…, HA!   Stop being so boring! Be silly, be funny, do something out of the ordinary a few times a month. Be creative! You were before you got married, what happened? Date her. Make her think during her day, “I can’t wait to be with him.” Give her “me” time away from you and the kids. Letting her unwind and have some time to herself messages to her that she is important…   Do love her with words, but do this during the day…, not just at 10pm when you’re hoping they pay off! HA! No, love her with kindness and with husband type words at 10am and expect nothing in return. Do it simply because this is how you obey God in your marriage.   I know all this sounds difficult but to be a husband that agape’s his wife is to follow Jesus and truer words have not been spoken during our times today than these…, husbandry is the primary way that God is making every married man like Himself. Proverbs 18:22 says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing.” Because this is the primary avenue God is going to work in your life to make you more like Him. And He is awesome. Husbands as you agape her, you’ll be blessed in your relationship with God and your relationship with your wife. This is your only directive…, requires tremendous determination, but it will get good…, everything is hard until its easy! Imagine if this was no longer a burden task, but just simply who you are as a man…, I DEFINITELY want to be that!

Ephesians 5 vs 22-33 Study 1

May 21, 2023 • Pastor Matt Korniotes • Ephesians 5:22–33

Communication about the family and within the family…, both are critically important. My plan is to not necessarily reconstruct the Marriage Series from about five years ago, I think that was for then, its good, and it’s out there for you to go and listen to. Rather for the next three or four weeks I’d like to truly try and understand very very well these final verses of Ephesians Chapter 5. And so, I’ll be trying to communicate well the heart of the Lord and the mind of God in the context of the home, the family and specifically marriage.   Communication is so incredibly important. We have got to work to get it right so that what we are thinking, feeling, saying…, sharing that and working in and through that, we get that right too. It’s like a story I heard once of a man in Illinois. He and his wife had planned a Florida get-away in order to leave the snow covered streets of their state. He was going to go on ahead while his wife was on a business trip and she was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick text. Just setting up his new phone, he hadn’t yet transferred his contacts and so he typed her number in by memory but unfortunately got one of the numbers wrong and his text went to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow read the text, she fell to the floor passed out. At that sound, her family rushed to her and saw the text on her phone. “Dearest wife, I wanted to let you know that I have arrived safely. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow, your loving husband. PS. It sure is hot down here!” HA!   For many or most, marriage is a three-ring circus. First comes the engagement ring, then the wedding ring and then suffering! HA! It’s a challenge for real…, and all you have to do is read the end of Ephesians Chapter 5 to know that! Reading and applying these verses can have you as a husband perhaps in the future there in the cemetery banging on the tombstone and saying, “WHY, why why!? Why did you have to die!?” And someone says, “Oh I’m so sorry you lost your wife.” And he says, “No this is my wife’s first husband!” HA!   It’s a challenge! Marriage is a REAL challenge! But met with understanding and agreement with God, you and I have a 100% chance at being successful at it and even qualifying marriage, the family and the home as the greatest privilege and blessing in all of life other than knowing Jesus personally!   Ephesians Chapter 5 Verses 25 – 33 is the widely and commonly accepted authoritative scripture set on marriage. However, I think that’s entirely problematic. Why? It’s nine verses. Nine verses! Three for wives and seven for husbands (Verse 32 is a shared verse). But that’s it!? Nine verses!? There are 23,145 verses in the Old Testament and 7,957 verses in the New Testament. Look, nine out of 31,102 verses (0.03%) doesn’t give us what we need to know about marriage. Sorry. These verses are clear, to the point, challenging and critical. The problem arises when we jump right to them and hand them out like marching orders. They lack context…   Paul has spent five and three quarters chapters before getting here, and God wrapped over 30,000 truths around these. Context truly is everything. Is the mega-need of the husband respect? Absolutely. A respected man is a delighted man. A man becomes who he is to become in an environment of respect. Is the mega-need of the wife to be loved entirely/securely and without condition? Absolutely. A cherished wife is a delighted wife. We will get to those things for sure and truly they are essential to a Godly and enjoyable home life and marriage relationship. But context is absolutely everything. The central theme of the Book of Ephesians is the work of God. Even the parts that we are instructed to do in the later half of the book, none of them are able to be done without the power of the Holy Spirit and frankly none of them even make sense in the life of someone who is not reborn by the saving power of Jesus Christ. Walk worthy of the calling of Christ in all lowliness, gentleness, longsuffering, bear with one another….? Why!? What’s my motivation in any way to do that if I have no desire to glorify/thank God for what He has done for me in the work of the cross?   And wading into the subject of marriage is a recipe for drowning even in an inch of water without the context of the power, promises and preeminence of God at work, God will work, God has worked, God is working, and God is the worker.   So, for example. Husbands, love your wives… Why? She’s not good to me. Doesn’t respect me. Doesn’t understand me. Doesn’t serve me. Doesn’t value me. Doesn’t appreciate me. So why? You’re right, don’t. BUT, it’s through loving her that God will work. And even now, you can’t see it, you’re not allowed to see it lest you become entirely faithless, but God is working. You love her not because it is fair but in response to faith. Because without faith, God will not move in your home.   There is one word that frames it all entirely in terms of marriage. Found in Malachi 2:14. “Yet you say, “For what reason?” Because the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously; Yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant.” Marriage is a covenant, not a contract. And the blessing, work, promises and even miracles of God only function within the confines of that covenant. If you leave covenant, you forfeit the promises of God within that covenant. It’s like an umbrella. It’s raining crazy but as long as you are under that umbrella, that rain doesn’t even dampen you…but the moment you move out, you get soaked… See, context is everything…   So, nine verses. Challenging. Enlightening. But just a drop in a bucket full of context and connection with the family and the marriage relationship. When I gave a marriage series four/five years ago, we weren’t going through the Book of Ephesians, we were in 1 Corinthians. And we stopped at love to talk about the marriage relationship (1 Corinthians 13). Truly, that is the correct context to begin with again. We love because He first loved us. We forgive because He has forgiven us. We endure the details of depravity with our spouses because God endures with grace and mercy each day with us… And so, the context above all others to wade intothese verse in Ephesians with has got to be the motivation, calling, challenge and commandment of covenant and love.   It’s not primarily love for each other and covenant with each other. That’s not going to get you there. I’ve been married now for almost twenty years. And I have failed April so deeply, drastically and completely so many times to the point that I can’t expect her love for me to be the thing that enables or drums up the respect I need, the honor I need, the admiration I need to fulfil me. Admire me? She knows the worst of me?! Ok, perhaps you can but I’m just an ultra-realist. And honestly the respect I want and the admiration I want is as if I have never failed her. So how can that come forth after these many years and failures!?   Love in the home and in a marriage relationship and for your spouse must not primarily be based on your partner but on the Lord. Period. End of Line. Think of the greatest commandment given in the Bible. Love others as yourself and love the Lord. Wrong. Wrong order. In fact, so wrong in order that the commandment becomes impossible to apply. The greatest commandment given by Jesus Himself.   This is the attack of the enemy. This is the context of the 31k verses. And this is where the marriage relationship begins. God instituted marriage before the fall.  It is therefore the original, hand in hand with the man’s fellowship agape with his Creator, marriage is the original target of the enemy and number one on the hit list and hate list of Satan himself. No wonder it’s difficult, right?   You see we all have issues. Every marriage has problems.  But, as you walk with the Lord, sanctification has a reversing effect of the fall in your heart and life. I love what Tony Evans explained once, cracks in your walls cannot be fixed and more will always come, you’ll always be doing patchwork, if you do not fix the foundation that keeps shifting. That foundation is your relationship and commitment and truly your closeness with Jesus Christ.   God did not create marriage for you to find happiness and fulfillment. That is only and can only be found in a God! In fact, get ready for the flesh to be greatly enhanced! If you have a problem now, getting married will only serve to bring it to the surface! If you’re unhappy now, unfulfilled now, you will be the same as a wife…as a husband. In fact, it will be multiplied. Satan never messed with mankind until they were married…   Oh, and he will mess with you! Exploit the vast differences between a man and a woman. Here’s one example. Where do you want to go to eat? Common question from a husband, right? Common answer from the wife? Where do YOU want to go to eat? Get ready for a deep, extremely deep, theological exposition. This is going to shock you. That answer is entirely disrespectful. It’s loving, entirely loving, but intensely disrespectful! You see, we speak different languages, HA! And rather than get shocked and offended and frustrated…, learn a new language.   You have a 100% chance of being successful in marriage if you do it God’s way. 100%. What’s God’s way? You shall love the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind and strength…, and love each other the same and as yourself. Wives be like, so how am I supposed to answer that question? By answering THE question! HA! And IF you HAVE to pepper in your language, throw in an offer to be ok with something else also, but I’m telling you, we don’t like that. HA! That’s speaking your language. And I get it, we can and must learn your language too, and we do! How do you know? We don’t stop the car and tell you to walk! HA!   What’s Ephesians 5 about? The 30+k verses about? Learning a better way and that way is covenant and love. Love the Lord with your all and love each other as yourself. Learn it or not, your choice. But doing marriage God’s way, you have a 100% chance of being successful and a good, Godly, fulfilling marriage is God’s design for the closest thing to heaven He has given us on earth, that’s verse 32.   It's like this. You’re sitting at an amazing feast called marriage. All the good foods you love to eat, everything you love and need, all there contained and designed into that marriage by God Himself. And you are hungry, naturally and designed that way by God also! Across the table, which is six feet wide and full of delicacies, is your spouse. And right before digging in, you notice your utensils. Not like others you have ever see before. These are six feet long.   Try as you may, there is no way to feed yourself. And there is no way for your spouse to feed themselves. If either of you are going to get any of that feast, its going to have to be that you use your tools to feed them. Now, many if not most marriages. What do you want? I’d love some of that stuffing! HA! I hate stuffing, April loves stuffing. I plunge that spoon into that bowl of perfect stuffing, her favorite, and then I just refuse to give it to her because well, I hate stuffing! Isn’t that horrible…? Hell on earth.   Two selfless people serving each other in a covenant marriage relationship is heaven on earth, or the closest you can get. Two selfish people together set on serving themselves, neither will eat, and there’s nothing closer to hell on earth. Your choice. My choice. So, what do we do? Ephesians 5:25-33…. How do we do it? 31k verses, ALL of God, ALL of me. All in. Come back next week and let’s get busy!