If you Google, “How to be a good husband,” in less than a second you will have over a billion results. That blows me away. That tells me two things. One, this is a topic a lot of people are talking about, thinking about, seeking on…and it tells me another, there’s a bunch of folks that don’t know where to turn, and probably a good amount of hopelessness. Imagine if you have a question and you needed an answer…and you were given over a billion answers…where would you even start!? Overwhelming. Here’s the thing though, there answer exists! It’s in the Word of God…but my flesh and the under-current of this fallen world and all its trappings make THE answer, well, can easily sweep it right away.
But…the truth that there is an available answer at all is SUPER good news for me specifically and for many. Because I never saw this…this good husband stuff. I’m lost in terms of what I learned watching and experiencing as I grew up…and so I have learned to listen to the voice of God over what I have seen and experienced. That’s in fact how I learn today the best…by listening…
The answer to that question, “How to be a good husband,” is simple. John 15:4-5, “Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. I am the Vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.” What’s fruit? Galatians 5:22, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love.” And what is God’s command upon the husband? Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands, love your wives….” And so, there’s your answer…I’ll send you and invoice…
Remain in the will of God. That’s it…how can I be a good husband? Honor the Lord with His daughter! His princess. Walk with the Lord and serve Him with your life. You’ll never have to seek another answer…but now you see why we have over a billion other answers don’t you? Because I’d rather a wide and easy path, please… I know, I get it…who wouldn’t? But the hard and narrow path leads to life…and this one leads you to not only the marriage you want, but the wife you want, the husband you want to be, the kids you want to have and the life you want to live.
Understand this…when a man is outside of the will of God, he is a menace to himself and everyone else. Jonah, the Old Testament prophet, just about brought a whole ship down because of his foolishness…
Now, before we talk about the role of the husband, we really need to talk about the role of the man, briefly. That has been lost, or at best confused, in our post-modern western-world culture. We live in an age of complication and extreme distraction, where masculine women and effeminate men are celebrated while masculine men and feminine women are met with hostility and resentment. It’s odd…and complicated and truly a great distraction…why distraction? Because it causes everyone to focus on themselves rather than to simply serve each other and certainly discourages (if not entirely destroys) the ideal of universal truth. I believe the battle over sensuality will eventually be the downfall of our way of life if the Lord tarries…if we continue to fight ourselves, our enemies will have it easy…
And so, the role of the man in the culture is confused…and because of that, the role of the man in the family is as well. Listen, never let your sociology dictate your theology! Let’s see what God has to say on the matter in terms of the role of the man before we discuss the role of the husband.
Genesis 1:26. Then God said, let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness. The original design of the man was to reflect the image and likeness of His Creator. Think of image as shadow…think of likeness as similitude or manner. To fulfil my role as a man in society, in the family, in my marriage, I am to first fulfil my original design which is to bring Christ to earth, to become like my Creator. Looks simply like this, God gets the “say so!” So how should I be? Answer this…what is God like?
1 Corinthians 10:13, God is faithful. 1 John 1:5, God is light that refuses and overcomes darkness. 2 Peter 3:9, He is patient. John 3:16, He is loving and He is giving. Numbers 23:19, He is a man of His word. Psalm 18:30, He shields others. Psalm 116:5, He is gracious and righteous, full of compassion. He is the champion of the people, the giver of Himself, the defender of justice and the defeater of sin. He stands in the place of His own and takes responsibility for them, placing the needs of them over His own pain…He is love.
This is my calling and my purpose…I have good days, not-so good days, good moments and moments of failure but I am not confused. That realization and resolve keeps me growing in Him…sometimes VERY slowly…but not always. Why do we have such confusion and distraction and really failure in our society, families and homes when it comes to men, husbands and fathers…? Because realization and resolve are very scarce in a society distracted by self-love and self-service. (Trash and coins story)
Back in Genesis, look at chapter 2 verse 15, “Then the Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to tend and keep it.” A primary aspect of being in the image and likeness of God, man’s original design, is to tend and keep. In the Hebrew, tend and keep, abad and shamar…abad’s meaning is literally to serve and shamar’s meaning is literally to guard. Gentlemen, this is your first job. As a man, and primarily as a husband…if you are not serving and guarding your wife, protecting her and her heart of hearts, then you have some work to do…good transition to husbandry…
Look at Ephesians 5:25 again. God lays out for the husband three things he must be for her. Specifics to the role of husband. The how-to’s of loving your wife. First, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her. In the home, in the marriage, in the relationship, a Godly husband accepts the responsibility of being his wife’s savior. You save the situation, the day…you’re the reason she can face tomorrow with confidence…is that how you are serving and guarding her?
I am just going to cut right to the chase with perhaps the most important truth you need to realize and resolve today…husband, you are ultimately responsible for the health of your marriage. Don’t give me this, “well you don’t know my wife.” Look at Jesus’ bride…and He went to the cross and fixed it all…all on His own. When Eve was brought to Adam, Adam said, “This is now bone of MY bones and flesh of MY flesh.” After they had sinned in disobedience to God, God called out to them in Genesis 3:9 and He said, “Adam, where are you?” Why? Because Adam was responsible…this is bone of his bones, flesh of his flesh…
1 Corinthians 11:3 says, “The head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man…” God has created the man to lead and that leadership does not make him the boss…it makes him the leader…the principal servant, the primary protector and it makes him accountable. Many husbands want the authority of being the trusted boss but have not begun to be the leader God has called them to be to earn that trust and authority. Listen, lead her and love her as Christ leads and loves you and SHE will make YOU the boss!
That means even when no one else is able to walk in the Spirit, it ought to be the husband. To lead in the things of the Lord in the home and to expect to lead. Leadership can be very lonely and discouraging at times…so what…that’s leadership! Look at this, perhaps something I’ve never contemplated before…Genesis 3:6…Adam was with her? Could it be that he was right there!!?? Perhaps, yes…why didn’t he guard her? Why didn’t he take the snake right then and bruise his head? Husbands, you are accountable. That is your role.
Second, back in Ephesians 25, verses 26-27…husbands you are to be her sanctifier! The definition of love can be stated as pursuing the well-being of another. That may or may not involve emotions by the way! It’s wonderful when it does but it doesn’t have to and won’t all of the time. This world is fallen, it is messed up and women deal with exactly the same pressures and evil that a man does…in 2015, 38% of wives earned more than their husbands in the workplace and 70% of working mothers worked full time. Did you know that according to a study conducted by the University of Michigan, having a husband creates an extra seven hours of household chores a week for a wife!? HA!
Husbands, with all of that noise, all of that stress and all of this foolishness that our wives have to take in and put up with in this world, God has called you to be a primary sanctifying power in her life! She doesn’t want you to fix everything, she needs to emote. Listen to her, connect with her…you can have control or connection, but you can’t have both…remember that!? I’m going to tell you something now that will perhaps perplex you…to truly be a good husband, a good wife, you must become each other… True intimacy in a relationship comes when you and your wife can identify so closely with each other that you see yourselves in each other. It’s called co-inherence. You cannot get there without being there, present, connecting constantly with her and putting her first in your habits and heart. That IS what God meant by one flesh.
Pray for her…listen to her even when you are entirely uninterested! (DO NOT look at your watch, HA!) As you love her and serve her and pray for her and lead spiritually in the home, she will grow in the Lord. You say, “Well I can’t change her…only she can change her….” May I remind you of when she met you?
She probably thought you were a buster! She wasn’t going to marry you! What happened? You turned on the game, you worked the charm, you pursued her affection…and now look at you…married! Did she change her mind about you? Yep! So, there you go…Don’t date to marry, marry to date! Sanctify your wives, this is God’s second how-to in terms of loving her.
And finally, Ephesians 5:28-29. You are to be her satisfier! Almost every man in here just thought of one thing. Listen, that ain’t what we are talking about…yet. Satisfy her heart, man…Husbands are to nourish and cherish their wives. To nourish means to provide what is necessary or lacking. And to cherish is to hold something in such high value that your care for it is explicit…that it is obvious to her and to you and to everyone else that she is a treasure. The word is linked to the word beloved or costly.
A woman was talking to a friend once and she said, “When I married him he was a multi-millionaire.” And her friend replied, “Wow! Well what is he now?” She said, “A millionaire!” HA! Being married is costly…but that’s not what I’m talking about…men we are to treasure our wives and that means we are to willingly sacrifice for them and overtly show to her and prove to her and message over and over again that she is our treasure! You say well look at her, she doesn’t take care of herself, she’s let herself go…she’s ugly! Let me tell you a story.
A farmer had two daughters. One was hot! One was NOT! And one day a gentleman caller came, rich and good-looking…and he came to find a bride. He brought with him a thousand head of cattle as dowry. The farmer introduced him to his two daughters and he proposed to the ugly one! The farmer was astonished! A year later she came back to visit her father and in walked this beautiful, angelic brickhouse WOMAN! He said to his daughter, what HAPPENED TO YOU!? Well, if he thinks I’m a thousand head cattle woman then I’m gonna be that! You see men, she is a reflection of how you make her feel…how you care for her…how you cherish her…a good husband satisfies his wife in terms of affection and she is not satisfied until she knows she is the treasure of her Father’s kingdom, which she is!
So, three things…all connected-to and the how-to’s of loving your wife. If you want to be a good husband, if you want to have a great marriage, and if you want to be married to the woman of your dreams…you are to be her savior, her sanctifier and her satisfier…all of these things are EXACTLY how Christ has loved and loves the church. Don’t walk out of her talking about, “I’m going to go be these things.” Walk out of here talking about, “I’m going to give God the “say-so.” Become a man that worships God in your heart of hearts! Thats when the fruit will flow.
Marriage Series Session 2 - The Role of the Husband Part 1
Calvary Chapel Cherry Creek
October 27, 2019 • Pastor Matt Korniotes
Ephesians 5 vs 22-33 Study 3
June 4, 2023 • Pastor Matt Korniotes • Ephesians 5:22–33
Assembly instructions have come with marriage just like a piece of Ikea furniture. It’s there, in the box, but it begins in pieces. But there’s hope. A little piece of paper that says, this piece goes here and this piece goes there. And if you follow the instructions, you get what you intended to buy…, if not, you have a pile of pieces. Now, sometimes putting that piece of furniture together with your spouse can be…trying, and the tools they give you in the box are just the worst. HA! But nevertheless, follow the instructions, and you’ll get what you want… Ephesians Chapter 5 Verses 25 - 33 In these verses there is essentially only one directive towards husbands, God’s intention for him, us, me…and it’s not only the key but also the only imperative, the must have that God has given to us in designing the family and the home, not to subject us to some sort of life-long hardship but rather to establish us as kingdom men, husbands, fathers and sons. Now, we’ll look at all of what Paul has said, but none of it works or even makes sense unless we understand, accept and apply the one directive. And that must for a husband towards his wife is to love her. Now, men, we aren’t finished. Because inherent in God’s command/call is also the necessity to seek the Lord. Why? You aren’t going to naturally love your wives and you don’t naturally even know what this love is… And here’s the problem, she does. She’s wired this way. To understand love and to understand and sense when she is loved and when she is not being loved. And so, to figure this out, it’s not “ok let me go love my wife,” unfortunately and frustratingly its far more than that… What we are going to see is that to do these things as God has commanded, requires tremendous determination and as we look at this together, try not to get discouraged, because it’s been said, “Everything is hard until its easy.” We first need to understand this word. Words are cheap in the English language and I love my car, I love my job, I love a perfectly prepared steak, is that, are those how I should love my wife? (Maybe if you’re Jeffrey Dahmer! HA!) What happens when my car breaks down? When my job gets hard and people make my day cruddy? Still love my job? What happens when the steak is well done? Blasphemy! HA! In the Greek, there are actually four words for love. And the word used in conversation, what word was used, made all the difference. There’s “storge” which is the word for familial love. The naturally developing affectionate bond between parents, siblings, etc. And that’s an important one because it’s quite special. You don’t quite love anyone the way you love your child. That’s “storge.” Not what we’re talking about in Ephesians Chapter 5. There’s “phileo.” This is the emotional love between good friends. A brotherly love. This a love founded on, based in and maintained in a give and take type relationship. This love is a response to someone who treats you a certain way. If your friend doesn’t treat you right, you say, “I thought we were friends.” Therefore, this is a “you stop, I stop” love. This is not what we’re talking about in Ephesian Chapter 5. There’s another word for love that is most popular and prevalent today and that is the Greek word “eros.” Eros is a sensual, romantic, fleshly need type love, and this is the love that we hear of in all the songs, see in all the movies and this is the love that our global society is most, if not only, concerned with. Eros love is basically lust. I have needs, those needs are natural, I want those needs filled, and the filling of my needs is to love and to be loved. This is the love that men very naturally understand… but not the love we’re talking about in Ephesians 5… This is why “love is love” is absolutely correct. Whether I choose an animal, a tree, or another human to marry, love is most certainly love when we are talking eros. And eros is not mentioned once in the Bible. Hold that thought. The final and fourth word for love in the Greek language is “agape.” This is the highest of the four types of love and truly in the company of the other three words, this one stands alone and one could say that this is the only one we should even call love once you understand what it is. The problem is that we (English language) have one word for the four ideas we’ve learned… Agape is perfect. God is perfect and 1 John 4:8 says, “God IS love,” and therefore this love is…, perfect. It is pure. Without blemish. Without fail and fallacy. It is unconditional. This is not an emotion at all…, that’s “phileo.” This is not a feeling at all…, that’s “eros.” This is agape and it means “decision, commitment, covenant.” This word for love means discipline and determination. We will build this out but this is the love we are, non-negotiable, to have and to express for and towards our wives. It’s major. And let me tell you men this, “discipline weighs ounces, regret weighs tons, and success is tons of discipline!” This is truly impossible if your focus is on your relationship with her… I believe that’s why Paul points us to Jesus here in Ephesians 5… Ok, back to an earlier thought for just a moment. This is why “love is love” is correct but it’s also incorrect. In the understanding of the world, “eros is eros” is entirely right! Applaud! Makes sense! Duh! Marry your car! HA! But “love is love,” “eros is agape,” is entirely WRONG because unconditional, commitment love has nothing to do with the filling of fleshly needs/wants love. Totally wrong. In fact, to affirm “eros is agape,” is to make God into some sort of humanistic physical force, which in other words, the flesh. But Jesus said in John 4:24 that “God is Spirit…” So, is eros eros? OF COURSE. Is eros agape? Not even in the same category and to get there, one has to deny God… See the problem? Between the church and the world, same word, different language… When you take a wife unto yourself, this is the command, key, advice, counsel and non-negotiable that God has directed of His sons. To love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her… The decision of agape, the commitment, the covenant is that no longer are my needs, emotions, thoughts and priorities the aim and goal of my moment, day, or life… But all of those things are now her. Let’s put this in context… Husbands love your wives just as Christ also loved the church. Who is the church? Its you and its me. So, husbands, love your wives as Jesus loves you. How does Jesus love you? What are the conditions? The only condition is His goodness. What if you never do anything right? Does Jesus still love you? Duh. What if you deny Him over and over again, does Jesus still love you? Duh… Do the priorities, thoughts, aims and goals of Jesus matter? Absolutely. And these are presented to us in the Word and in our relationship with Him. Is there intense blessing in submitting to Jesus? Absolutely! But, does Jesus love me even if I couldn’t care less about His priorities? Duh. Jesus said to His disciples in Matthew 28:20, “I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” But what if…, there are no what ifs in agape… And this is the single directive of God towards husbands… All of the problems in your relationship with your wife, if you really think about it, are due to our wives not phileo-ing us or our wives not eros-ing us. If you wrap everything into and around agape, your problems disappear. Romans 5:8 says that while we were yet sinners, God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that He gave His life! Do you know how much God hates sin? Psalm 7:11 says, “God is angry with the wicked every day!” He sees all my mess, my sin, my mistakes, my rebellion, my attitude, my terrible…all of it…and decides to love me anyway! “I hate what you’re doing but even so I’m going to demonstrate My love towards you.” That is agape and the single call, directive or the husband or the marriage will remain in pieces. In John 14:21 we read, “He who has My commandments and keeps them, it is he who loves Me. And he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and manifest Myself to him.” There is a direct correlation to love and action. A direct correlation to love and what you DO. Agape love is demonstrated. That is how it is expressed, communicated and carried out. You can look at the cross and see love. Love/agape is always measured in action. “I tell my wife I love her all the time.” Worthless. That’s respect. You ought to do that as the Bible does say to give honor to your wife, but in the grand scheme of the love she needs and the love we are directed to demonstrate, words on their own are worthless. Paul writes that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church and Isaiah tells us in chapter 53:5, “He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed.” AND verse 7 says, “He was oppressed and He was afflicted, yet He opened not His mouth; He was led as a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before its shearers is silent, so He opened not His mouth.” That is love and character and grit all wrapped into one…that is husbandry. Men, husbands, when we say I do what we are vowing to do is to take stripes for the rest of our lives in order to heal our wives. God will work in your wife and change your wife but not without you taking stripes. And Agape expects nothing, asks for nothing and complains about nothing. It just agape’s… This is the love you must decide is the way you are going to love your wives… Here’s why intense, tremendous determination is involved! Big statement: “The quality of your thinking is the ability to determine the long term effects of your current actions.” Paul says in Ephesians 5 that sanctifying and cleansing and washing her with the water of the Word of God, making her a glorious wife without spot or wrinkle or any such things, making your marriage and home holy and without blemish and ultimately being like Christ is nothing but and everything about agape love of the husband toward the wife. She will heal as you take stripes without any expectation of anything in return… Let’s get ultra practical just for a moment and then we are done. 1 Peter 3:7 says, “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife…” What this means, which is a critical part of agepe-ing your wife is that you are to understand her! Which husband in here can understand his wife? HAHAHAHA! ZERO of us, and so we need help! Who is the greatest help in understanding our wives? OUR WIVES! But they won’t tell us! HA! SO, what must we do? Study them and ask questions and try things and figure it out. Look, if y’all can be mechanics and figure out that noise when you were making that turn is the CV Boot leaking grease off the CV Axle…, just from a click during a turn, you can learn what your wife does and doesn’t like! What makes her tick! But you’re going to need to study her in order to agape her… Without knowing what makes her tick, you can’t honor her…, and here is perhaps the most critical demonstration of agape from you to her…, to honor her is to make her feel good about who she is… We MUST do that! You used to do that…, remember, BEFORE you were married! Words won’t do it. Agape does it… And a woman that feels good about who she is, will make you feel good about who you are…, just sayin! So, do something small every day. Something just for her. And don’t tell her, don’t expect anything in return, just serve her. Empty the dishwasher. Wash her car. Make the bed. Just something like that. Many wives may have a heart attack after today…, HA! Stop being so boring! Be silly, be funny, do something out of the ordinary a few times a month. Be creative! You were before you got married, what happened? Date her. Make her think during her day, “I can’t wait to be with him.” Give her “me” time away from you and the kids. Letting her unwind and have some time to herself messages to her that she is important… Do love her with words, but do this during the day…, not just at 10pm when you’re hoping they pay off! HA! No, love her with kindness and with husband type words at 10am and expect nothing in return. Do it simply because this is how you obey God in your marriage. I know all this sounds difficult but to be a husband that agape’s his wife is to follow Jesus and truer words have not been spoken during our times today than these…, husbandry is the primary way that God is making every married man like Himself. Proverbs 18:22 says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing.” Because this is the primary avenue God is going to work in your life to make you more like Him. And He is awesome. Husbands as you agape her, you’ll be blessed in your relationship with God and your relationship with your wife. This is your only directive…, requires tremendous determination, but it will get good…, everything is hard until its easy! Imagine if this was no longer a burden task, but just simply who you are as a man…, I DEFINITELY want to be that!
Ephesians 5 vs 22-33 Study 2
May 28, 2023 • Pastor Matt Korniotes • Ephesians 5:22–33
Assembly instructions have come with marriage just like a piece of Ikea furniture. It’s there, in the box, but it begins in pieces. But there’s hope. A little piece of paper that says, this piece goes here and this piece goes there. And if you follow the instructions, you get what you intended to buy…, if not, you have a pile of pieces. Now, sometimes putting that piece of furniture together with your spouse can be…trying, and the tools they give you in the box are just the worst. HA! But nevertheless, follow the instructions, and you’ll get what you want… Ephesians Chapter 5 Verses 22 – 24, 33 In these verses there are essentially two directives towards wives, intentions that God had in designing the family and the home, that He has given us not to subject us to some sort of life-long hardship but rather to give us the keys to unlocking His plan for our marriages. There are only two things here and we will spend our time today exploring them. Submit The directive to submit has been so very damaged and twisted. No wonder. Jesus came and said, “God has said,” but the enemy came and said, “Has God said…” He’s been twisting scriptures since before they were scriptures. Submission is spiritually nothing about human person over person authority and everything about assembly instructions…, everything about love. Most men, the vast majority and truly all Godly men, we don’t want or need or even truly benefit from submission, what we need and benefit from as a family and truly what we want is support support. One team. One purpose. One Home. For this reason, a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to His wife and the two shall become one. It is the support of one thing that allows the formation of the other. Unless the foundation supports the flooring, there will be no home. Unless the fuel supports the combustion, there will be no acceleration. To submit to your own husband is to formulate a response to faith personally that results in a peace within your home, family and even your husband himself. Wives, as the earthly companion to your husband, he should be able to assume with ease his God given responsibility in the home… Proverbs 31:10-11, “Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies. The heart of her husband safely trusts her; so, he will have no lack of gain.” A submissive wife is not a mousy wife but rather a life partner that adds to her home and to her husband all the things he has not on his own. Affirmation, stability, construction towards usefulness in the kingdom. God looked at man and said it’s not good for him to be alone. Even in the midst of perfection there was a discouragement in the man as he looked at how each animal had his companion and yet he did not. And so, God gave Eve to Adam to complete him and be his help-mate. Proverbs 31:12, “She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.” She is not his battle, she is the reason he wins his battles. And together they take on the world which pleases the Father as both His children whom He loves so dearly are sent out two by two to not be discouraged nor destroyed but to be established. Proverbs 31:23, “Her husband is known in the gates,” respected as a judge and leader of men…, because she supports his own growth towards Godliness and she props us his good reputation. Proverbs 31:26, “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness.” This is the key ingredient in the recipe for support in the home towards your man. Kindness. Kindness is everything. Kindness means you work to center…, you wives initiate and lead the charge towards goodness in your relationship. This is the desire of your husband but he has no idea how to do it, and yet for the wife, this is the greatest and most effective tool you have in your quiver. Men are EASY. Tell us we’re pretty and show us kindness and we will thrive. Proverbs 31:27, “She watches over her household,” takes accountability for the home, and her children and husband call her their biggest blessing and praise. This is all that it is to submit to and support your husband and this is why God has given him, brought him to you. Proverbs 31:30, “A woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.” Your reward of supporting your husband will be that you are celebrated and the pieces come together to make what they were intended to become. This is to submit to your own husband as unto the Lord because all of that comes from fearing the Lord. Which leads us to the second thing, directive two of two towards wives in Ephesians 5. FEAR In the end of this verse set, this advice, guidance, counsel, design and directive of the Holy Spirit, we read, “Let the wife see that she respects her husband.” This is the only time, out of 93 times, that this word in the Greek is translated as “respect” in all of scripture. The word in the Greek is “phobeo,” which is every other time translated, all 92 other times, as to fear. What on earth are we talking about here? Is respect an appropriate translation? Absolutely. After we look at this a bit in context of the entirety of scripture, I think “respect” hit the mark well. Other well mark hitters include, “reverence,” and to “treat with deference.” There’s something entirely special and unlike any other the way the wife is to treat the husband. Perhaps better said, the way the husband so desperately desires to be treated by his wife. Ok, lets look at this word fear. Is it the right word to use here in the Greek? OF COURSE! This is the word of God! So is the wife to fear her own husband. Absolutely! BUT, what does that mean? Scripture really helps us out here and I want to step through a few things that make total sense and really, as a man, as a husband, resonate in my own mind and heart. Just one statement though, wife, are you afraid of your husband suffering? This really is the fear that I believe God is talking about… Do you care, is it something that even sets you to flight, puts you to action, the thought that he’s hurting and you could either turn that hurt off or help him in it? If so, you’re a good wife. And I think that is the foundation of this directive design given to us by God. What does God mean by wives, a good wife, fears her husband (because that is literally what it says here)? Looking at the other 92 times this word is used in scripture is a huge HUGE help. Let’s start with what it is NOT. It is NOT to fear your husband in some sort of way in terms of hurt, abuse, misuse or domination. 365 times we read in the Bible that we are to “fear not,” and so there is no way God repeated Himself hundreds of times telling us to not be fearful and then turns around and tells wives to be fearful, so we are talking about something else entirely with what is demanded of wives in Ephesians 5. 1 John 4:18 tells us, “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.” And so, we know this fear as wives are to fear their husbands, has nothing to do with torment in anyway towards wives from husbands. Ok, first stop, and I want to move through these rather quickly, Mark 4:41, “And they feared exceedingly, and said to one another, “Who can this be, that even the wind and the sea obey Him!” To fear your husband is to look for things about him and physically affirm what it is in him that is admirable and wow-ing. Husbands, we love that, and from our wives turns our heart to joy. Here's another example of that. Mark 5:15, “Then they came to Jesus, and saw the one who had been demon-possessed and had the legion, sitting and clothed and in his right mind. And they were afraid.” They weren’t afraid that Jesus was going to hurt or dominate them here. That’s not why they feared. They feared because they acknowledged His greatness and His power. A good wife will do this often for her husband. (Ladies are you taking notes? If not, what is wrong with you!? HA) Mark 5:25-34, “Now a certain woman had a flow of blood for twelve years, and had suffered many things from many physicians. She had spent all that she had and was no better, but rather grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came behind Him in the crowd and touched His garment. For she said, “If only I may touch His clothes, I shall be made well.” Immediately the fountain of her blood was dried up, and she felt in her body that she was healed of the [affliction. And Jesus, immediately knowing in Himself that power had gone out of Him, turned around in the crowd and said, “Who touched My clothes?” But His disciples said to Him, “You see the multitude thronging You, and You say, ‘Who touched Me?’” And He looked around to see her who had done this thing. But the woman, fearing and trembling, knowing what had happened to her (that she had been healed), came and fell down before Him and told Him the whole truth. And He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace, and be healed of your affliction.” Is she afraid in a bad way of Jesus? Absolutely not. She is knowing, acknowledging, seeing, expressing, communicating how He has helped and supported and healed her and that is the emotion, the action of fear here. Wives, you are better for having your husband. What God has brought together, let no man break apart. A good wife takes the time to think through how she has been healed, helped, positively supported, partnershipped by her husband and she hides it in her heart and that creates KINDNESS towards him. And oh, by the way, if you tell him, you’ll heal anything broken in him… This woman told Jesus the WHOLE truth! Next up, Mark 6:20, “For Herod feared John, knowing that he was a just and holy man, and he protected him. And when he heard him, he did many things, and heard him gladly.” This is a great example of such a wonderful fear from one person towards another. Most wives will receive Biblical counsel and correction from any man except her own husband and that is not only tragic but disastrous to a man’s inner self. When your man prays, teaches, exhorts, and perhaps even corrects, he ought to be treated with deference by his wife. Do you know that your husband is just and holy? See, so much needs to be corrected not in the relationship but in your own heart because if he is a Christian like you, he’s just and he is holy…, or you’re not… And this fear produced a desire to protect John. A good wife is protective of her husband and the first threat is her own sin…that is respect at its finest! Look at this one…, Mark 10:32, “Now they were on the road, going up to Jerusalem, and Jesus was going before them; and they were amazed (fearful). And as they followed they were afraid. Then He took the twelve aside again and began to tell them the things that would happen to Him.” Let your husband amaze you… Do you know why he doesn’t? Because you take him for granted… How’d you get here today? In a car, right… First time you rode in a car, amazing…. 10,000th time, not so amazing. What changed? Being a good wife has very little to do with him, doesn’t it? See, we’re scratching on the intent behind Ephesians 5… A few more, Luke 1:50, “And His mercy is on those who fear Him from generation to generation.” Every man in this room who is a Christian is extremely EXTREMELY merciful…, to those who fear hurting him… Acts 10:2, “A devout man and one who feared God with all his household, who gave alms generously to the people, and prayed to God always.” A person that is fearful in a great and Godly way is a giving person. Are you giving towards your husband? Good wives are, and without condition…. Enough said there… Romans 11:20, “Well said. Because of unbelief they were broken off, and you stand by faith. Do not be haughty, but fear.” The opposite of fearfulness is pridefulness. A wife is to not approach her husband with a haughty spirit. There are only a few things that destroy a marriage faster and worse than that. Work towards center. When you argue, argue for the health of the relationship, not for the personal perspective you have… That is to fear… One final one, Gal 2:12, “For before certain men came from James, he would eat with the Gentiles; but when they came, he withdrew and separated himself, fearing those who were of the circumcision.” This is an interesting use of the word and applicable in context to our discussion today. If you don’t fear your husband in a Godly way, he will fear you in a tragic way. A way that drives you apart. Respect is so important and such a need to a man, and specifically a husband, that to remain in close proximity to someone who doesn’t respect him literally destroys him over and over again in his heart of hearts. So, he will, MUST, withdrawal… Now, this is a lot, I know…, wives, you’ll need to probably listen to this again, read these notes again, and if you truly desire to honor the Lord in your marriage, well, Paul says here, “Let the wife SEE that she respects her husband,” the result of what you’ve learned today won’t be a feeling, emotion, decision or thought but it will be action that you not only watch for and take inventory of but because you love the Lord and love your husband, these (just like they are to the Lord) are today non-negotiables to you personally. And God is going to richly richly bless your marriage and your family through you because you are now not submitted to your husband, but truly you are submitted and trusting in God. Summary Wives, two directives or the marriage remains in pieces: 1. Submit a. Be your husband’s greatest support b. Cultivate ease in your husband’s life c. Affirm and stabilize your husband d. Be the reason he wins his battles e. Support his good reputation f. Lead with kindness in your home and work to center g. Watch over and protect your husband 2. Fear a. Express respect towards your husbands b. Treat your husband with deference c. Be afraid of your husband suffering d. Look for things about him that wow you e. Acknowledge the great/powerful things about your husband f. Be thankful for how he has partnered with you in life g. Don’t take your husband for granted h. Unconditionally Giving i. Present Humility j. Respect should be able to be inventoried