How Self-Protection Destroys Connection

Hidden Manna Ministries

App Media

How Self-Protection Destroys Connection

February 5, 2023 • Paul Looney, MD, Joshua Duffy

Give

As children, we need emotional defenses to keep us from devastation. Like God's people, the Israelites we need a defense against the ravages of life. Egypt was their refuge, and it was a great place to be, for a limited time. If we stay in our defenses and live in self-protection, we eventually limit our freedom and encounter the pain our coping strategies promised to help us avoid.

We cannot be free to live fully and love freely if we are at the mercy of our defensive maneuvers. Whether we tend to withdraw, cling, push, please, or justify when we feel threatened relationally, if it is a knee-jerk response, it will not likely get the desired result.

Give and Take! Healthy negotiation

Paul Looney, MD • Philippians 2:2–4

In the best relationships, there is a healthy balance of give and take. Both partners must be clear about their position, but be willing to move in response to the need of the moment. A healthy partnership allows both to be all in, fully engaged with their personalities, preferences, and priorities. Good communication and a willingness to think win/win allows us to work together for solutions that honor both. Obviously, each of us has some issues that are central, with very little room to budge, but there are plenty of decisions that we should be prepared to negotiate with little pushback if we see that the others emotional investment in the issue is high. The best relationships have a dynamic balance, like a see-saw, that allows both parties to have their time to be up in the air and then feet on the ground. We can take pleasure in the give and take of a loving relationship if we take the time to make it work for the benefit of all.

Confrontation or Confession?

Paul Looney, MD • Ephesians 4:15, Ephesians 4:25–26

When offended or wounded by other's behavior, our urge is to confront them about their behavior. While this may be useful in some scenarios, in committed relationships I believe a confession may be more helpful. Voicing our feelings allows the other to say they are sorry for the harm caused even if the deed was not technically wrong and when there was no ill intent. Learning to say, "Ouch!" can help win the day.

Anger and the Darkness

Paul Looney, MD • Ephesians 4:25–27

"Don't let the sun go down on your anger." (Ephesians 4:26) If you are seething before sunset, deal with it. If you get triggered later, set it aside until daybreak.