Order and Structure of a God Shaped Marriage Vol. 3

Crossroad Community Church

Order and Structure of a God Shaped Marriage Vol. 3

Monday Marriage Message

November 27, 2023 • Pastor Ken Brown Jr • Revelation 22:13, Colossians 3:19, 1 Peter 3:7, 1 Corinthians 11:3, Ephesians 5:25

Give

Hi, this is Pastor Ken thanks for joining me once again for

the Monday Marriage Message where we search God’s instructions to experience a

highly successful marriage. We continue today with our look at the scripturally

given order and structure of a God shaped marriage.

As I was considering the content for this series on The Order and Structure of a God Shaped Marriage, several ways of approaching the subject came to mind. As always, first and foremost, I want to remain consistent with the scriptures. The word of God is the definitive authority we have access to that offers us the direction we need to obtain a God Shaped Marriage. God determined the primary purpose of marriage to be reflecting Him, therefore any successful marriage will be a God shaped one. Order and structure in a marriage is as vital to making that marriage reflect God and His righteousness, as our skeleton is in helping us to stand upright. If marriage was initiated by God, and is therefore His creation, and if He created it specifically to reflect who and what He is, then His word is the only infallible source we have for how to meet that goal.

Within His word are many instructions designed to help us have God Shaped Marriages. Since that God given structure and order are necessary to marital success, I began this series with the one scripture I am aware of that most succinctly lays out the structure of both marriage and the Godhead it is intended to reflect. 1 Corinthians 11:3, But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.

I cannot think of a better way to move forward with the explanation of this foundational scripture than to follow it just as it is laid out. Paul begins this verse recognizing that it is important for us to understand this framework of authority, and he begins with men. The head of every man is Christ. In the first episode in this series I pointed out to husbands that we have drawn the short straw in this line up. To reiterate, God The Father, (a perfect being) is the head of Christ, (another perfect being). The wife, (an imperfect being) is under the leadership of her husband, (another imperfect being). In the order of authority given in this scripture, it is only the husband, (an imperfect being) who is under the direct authority of Christ, (a perfect being). Last time, I took great care to illustrate from God’s own chosen words that men are not superior to women in any way, shape or form, nor are women inferior to men. There I showed that though we were created with differing abilities, we were also created equal to one another in value. In the scriptural order found in 1 Corinthians 11:3 noted above, It is only the husband who must answer to one superior to himself. So gentlemen, let’s take a closer look at this standard given to us in God’s word, The head of every man is Christ.

The New Testament is full of examples of who Christ is, and how He interacts with us. While all of those scriptures have value helping us to know how we should interact with others including our wives, there are several passages that deal directly with how Christ interacts with the church, His bride. Those are the passages I am going to be focusing on here. If Christ is the authority in direct leadership over husbands, then those scriptures that illustrate how He interacts with the church are of paramount importance to men if we are to know how to interact with our wives in a way that lives up to the standard given to us.

The first of those scriptures we are going to look at is Ephesians 5:25. It reads as follows; 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her…

There are several things from this scripture that I want to point out. First, there can be no mistaking this scripture to be one where the actions and attitudes of Christ are offered toward the church as His bride. There should also be no misunderstanding the fact that Husbands are clearly instructed here to offer their actions and attitudes toward their wives in a way that is reflective of, and in submission to, Christ.

Second I want to highlight that this scripture clearly states that husbands are to love their wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her. The male ego would like to focus on the fact that Christ died for the church. The reason for this is that if a husband then commits to being willing to die for his wife (something he is quite certain statistics show to carry a very low reason for concern) then he has just been a husband that is reflective of Christ. Sorry guys…that doesn’t cut it. Yes, if you and your wife are ever in a situation where one of you must choose to die so the other can live, husbands…you must be the one to choose to die. However, pre-committing to that unlikely eventuality is not enough to live up to the standard. Why? Because Christ actually died in place of His bride. So am I saying all men must die for their wife? No. However, Christ laid down His life for His bride in ways that we actually are given opportunity to do every day.

Jesus did not come into existence on the first Christmas night when He was born in a manger. The Apostle John begins His Gospel with the truth that Jesus has always been. Jesus was before everything we understand to be the beginning. Jesus is, according to scripture, the Creator of all that exists. He said of Himself in Revelation 22:13, I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End, The First and the Last.” This is but one of His astounding “I Am” statements indicating that He is in fact one of the three persons of Almighty God.

As the great I Am, Jesus has always existed, and until His entrance into this world as one of His own creation, a little baby boy, He existed with the Father accompanied by the Spirit. There for all eternity past, they existed inseparably, reigning supremely, in the perfection of their Heavenly Kingdom. We on the other hand took precious little time upon our entrance to allow our selfishness and distrust in God’s loving instruction to give way to the introduction of sin into the perfect world Jesus had just created for us. With the high price of sin being death…we were eternally lost. When Jesus came into the world He had fashioned, He did so to remedy our sin problem. He came to offer His life as a sacrifice for our sin, lovingly and willingly offered in our stead. Jesus did not have need to come to earth…we had need of Him to come and to do that for us. Christ laid down His life for His bride. He laid down His perfect life that lacked nothing, to give us what we lacked, and could not obtain for ourselves. He laid aside His needs for our needs, His wants for our wants, His desires for our desires. Death was not the only way Jesus laid down His life for His bride…it was the final way. His death on the cross was the ultimate sacrifice, but He sacrificed for us every Nano-second He was away from the Father. Husbands, Christ is our example, He is the One in direct authority over us. As unfair as it might be that we are the only ones to have an authority morally superior to ourselves…it is what it is. We must learn to lay down our lives (in every way) for our bride if we want to succeed at having a God Shaped Marriage.

As I said our male egos cause us to look only at Christ’s voluntary giving up of His life as the evidence of His great love for us. We like to think that so long as we are also willing to do that…we have our bases covered. Unfortunately, when we take that attitude we have missed the point all together. The command to each of us is to love our wife as Christ loved the church. The evidence of His love gives us a standard to put the evidence of our love for our wives up against, but the command to us is to love like Christ loves.

According to the passage above, Christ sees Himself as our loving groom. His word instructs us how to be a loving husband, and illustrates that He interacts with us in that very way. In other words, if His word indicates we should treat our wife in a certain way, it is because He treats us in that same way. So when Ephesians 5:25 tells us love our wives, just like Christ loves His bride, we can look to scripture to find out how to do that. One example of that instruction is found in Colossians 3:19. In The Amplified Version that verse reads, Husbands, love your wives [with an affectionate, sympathetic, selfless love that always seeks the best for them] and do not be embittered or resentful toward them [because of the responsibilities of marriage]. When you consider this verse in light of the one from Ephesians 5 it takes on additional meaning. We have to be ready to lay down our lives for our wife if we are going to be able to love them selflessly, as Christ loves us. We should always be most concerned with what is best for them and not what we might think best for us in a particular moment. The continuation of this verse is most important. Men, if we want to be God Shaped Husbands, we cannot be found giving in to the needs of our wife through a clenched jaw or gritted teeth. In fact, that will ruin the entire reflection. For the joy set before Him, the bible tells us…Christ endured the cross. If we are going to be like Christ, laying down our needs, hopes and desires, and putting those of our wives’ first, ought to be the joy set before us. The endurance part is simply the employment of our decision to see our God Shaped Marriage emerge. Paul cautions us here to avoid allowing our negative emotions to enter into a positive godly position at all costs. If we are going to get it right, we can’t view the responsibilities of a God Shaped Marriage as a thing to be despised. We must see it as a way that we can illustrate our love for our spouse, as Christ illustrated His great love for us.

I want to take time to look at one more scripture that is congruent with those above before I close this edition. In the New King James Version, 1 Peter 3:7 says, Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered. In this passage, we are instructed that a godly husband will interact with his wife in an understanding way. That he will give her honor as to the weaker vessel. This phrase is often misunderstood. Remember that in the last episode of this podcast I went to great lengths to point out that God’s word is clear…men and women were created with equal value. God’s word does not contradict itself, therefore this scripture cannot indicate that the weaker vessel is in any way inferior to the stronger one. I have heard this scripture taught quite literally to mean that a man should be gentle with his wife because her muscle structure is more fragile than his…that’s close, but I cannot fully agree with that to be the meaning. The use of the analogy of a vessel here is of great importance to a correct exegesis. A vessel has one job…to carry water without leaking. A weaker vessel, one made of crystal for example will hold water just as well as one made of iron. Both have equal value when it comes to transporting water. Unless…you knock them into the doorpost on your way into a room. If one is not gentle, and understanding of the limitations of crystal when bumped into a doorpost, the crystal vase will lose its ability to successfully accomplish what it was designed for. On another note, which is more desirable to have placed in the center of the table during a meal? Crystal or iron? The woman is the weaker vessel…the crystal one. She has equal value when it comes to accomplishing the given purpose…but she is different than iron and needs to be interacted with accordingly. Husbands we are being instructed here to understand that our wives will react differently than we do at times. That knowledge is supposed to elicit understanding and gentleness from us rather than harsh intolerance. We each have the same God given purpose…to be reflective of Him. We each have differing qualities that are useful to that end, but neither are more or less important than the other, in fact they are meant to work with each other to complete the reflection. As further proof that our valuation as men and women, husbands and wives are equivalent, Paul points out that both share equally in the grace of God, and they are partners in salvation. Finally, Paul points out that there is greater consequence than broken glass if husbands are not gentle with their wives…God will not honor a husband’s prayers if he does not honor God’s creation of a wife made just for him. Next time we will continue with our look at the God shaped husband, and how he fits into the structure and order of a God Shaped Marriage.

So now doing everything you can, and asking God for more of His power every day to help you have a God Shaped Marriage…Go Be Awesome!

Order and Structure of a God Shaped Marriage - God Shaped Husband and a God Shaped Wife.

February 12, 2024 • Pastor Ken Brown Jr • Genesis 2:22–24, 2 Corinthians 10:12, Psalm 19:7–11, 1 Corinthians 11:3

Hi, this is Pastor Ken, thanks for joining me once again for the Monday Marriage Message where together we search God’s instructions to experience highly successful marriages. Last time I concluded our series on the Order and Structure of a God Shaped Marriage. Today I want to begin looking at the prescriptions for both a God Shaped Husband and a God Shaped Wife. In our most recent series the focus was on the order of authority within a marriage as laid out in God’s word. As a part of that study of 1 Corinthians 11:3, I did speak briefly to the actions of a godly husband and wife, as they pertained specifically to maintaining the God-ordained marital order and structure. Now I would like to delve deeper into the scriptural prescriptions for a God Shaped Husband and a God Shaped Wife. One might ask why I keep using these terms for a husband and wife, and that is a reasonable question. First and foremost, I do so because as I have said many times before, the primary purpose of marriage as stated by God Himself is to reflect His character. Genesis 1:26 tells us that God chose to create mankind in His image and His likeness. Verse 27 tells us that in so doing He created both a man and a woman. In the very next chapter in Genesis 2:22-24 we learn that God created that first man and woman in a one flesh or married condition. Furthermore, He said that going forward He would join future men and women in marriage to recreate what He had accomplished with Adam and Eve. Following that understanding, it becomes abundantly clear that a marriage is intended to reflect God, therefore the participants of that marriage, the husband and wife need to be…God Shaped ones. Second it is important to understand that if we were not called to live up to a standard as a husband or a wife, then each would need to determine for themselves how to do that best. A third grader can see the value and logic in having a standard for such an important undertaking, yet most married people can’t see that the bulk of their marital difficulties arise from trying to define for themselves if they are a ‘good’ husband or wife. Most people are not overtly evil, and the vast majority of us believe ourselves to be ‘good’ people. Therefore, most of us act as a husband or wife in good faith, thinking we are doing the best we can given our circumstances. Interestingly enough, I have noticed as a marriage counselor that most husbands and wives I encounter in my office do not believe that their spouse is doing the best they could. Why do we find ourselves in marriages where we believe we are doing the best we can, but our spouse isn’t putting in the same effort? Why do our spouses agree completely with that assessment except that they think the tables are turned in the other direction? The answer is simple. We have attempted to dispose of the standard. We each are defining for ourselves what a husband should look like and how he should act. We rely completely on our own understanding to decide if a woman is being a good wife or not. These determinations are made based on a myriad of information. Our families of origin and the marriages we each watched growing up…that by the way were having many of the same difficulties we are struggling with. We also draw on our life experience and our own set of core beliefs to help us know how to interact as spouses. Among the most dangerous sources of information of how our spouse should be treating us is the alter-universe of comparison. Movies, books, songs, checkout line magazines…and don’t even get me started on social media…all of it designed by the enemy of marriage to cause us to think our spouse is mistreating us, and they are probably never going to live up to being what we and they know they should be. Scripture identified the problem we run into when we each want to develop our own standard. Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 10:12 They use themselves to measure themselves, and they judge themselves by what they themselves are. This shows that they know nothing. Without a standard everything becomes acceptable…except when it no longer is. When that happens we want to find and dust off the one true standard, but because we have not been following its prescriptions ourselves it often gets misapplied. I couldn’t count the number of times I have had someone sit in my office and ask me to endorse their view (often a one-sided one) of what scripture says their spouse is doing wrong. The standard is crucial for success. As I said a few moments a go, most third graders can identify its importance. But, who gets to set the standard? The obvious answer is that God does. But, why? God isn’t even married after all. God is the author of the institution. He is the Creator of marriage and therefore is reasonably the only One capable or worthy to set the standard. Marriage is primarily intended to reflect Him, who better to enlighten us about how He acts, and therefore how we must act when imitating Him. There is simply no one better. Psalm 19:7-11 say this of God’s instructions to us… The law of the Lord is perfect, converting the soul; The testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple; The statutes of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart; The commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes; The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever; The judgments of the Lord are true and righteous altogether. More to be desired are they than gold, Yea, than much fine gold; Sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb. Moreover by them Your servant is warned, And in keeping them there is great reward. Finally, it is important to be a God-shaped Husband or a God Shaped Wife because it reminds us who we are responding to. In a marriage where we decide what is best and how we should act as a husband or a wife, we do so in response to one of two people. Us or them. What I mean by that is that If I choose to act toward my wife in a particular way because it is what I saw growing up and so I think it is the normal thing to do, I am responding to myself. This can have good or bad repercussions. When I was growing up, my view of a husband was being the one who had the final say. My father isn’t a chauvinistic pig…far from it, but in the final analysis what he said in our home was simply going to be the way it went. My childhood view of that helped me develop some core beliefs about marriage that are not altogether correct. When I was younger and a little less endowed with white hair I may or may not have encountered some marital difficulty as a result of that particular core belief. In those moments I was responding to myself, and my firm belief that I was acting within the bounds of my understanding of what a good husband was supposed to be. More often yet, our actions are explained as re-actions. We say that we have acted in a particular manner because of the way our spouse acted toward us. After all, every action has an equal and opposite reaction…at least that’s what I learned in 3rd grade science. In all seriousness we often use the actions of another to excuse our own. “I know I shouldn’t get that way, but they are so selfish sometimes”! “I wouldn’t normally have said that, but you just made me so angry”. “I don’t like it when I can’t communicate with you peacefully, why do you have to be so argumentative all the time”? in each of these cases, and the hundreds of others that cause people to visit my office, those spouses are responding to one another. Sometimes most of their interactions have become a response to the other. As a young man I knew such a couple. The first thing they said to one another in the morning was in reaction to what one of them had said the day before. Their interactions were simply a perpetual response to one another and precious little of it was positive. When we determine what a good wife or husband should be and ours doesn’t live up to our standard, what choice do we have but to respond to them in a way that shows our displeasure with them? All of that changes when we let God set the standard. When we decide we are going to be a God shaped Husband or a God shaped Wife, we will be interacting with our spouse but we will be doing so in response to God. If I am going to be a God Shaped Husband, then I have to look to God to know how to do that. When I consult Him through His written word and prayer, any positive action I take is one of obedience to Him. In those moments I am interacting with my wife but I am responding to the One who instructed me how to go about the interaction. Neither my wife or I wrote the bible, we did not invent marriage, so when we do what God says, it is in response to Him. A far better result occurs when I respond to God rather than myself or my wife. In his book, Love and Respect, Dr. Emmerson Eggerichs says it this way “My response is my responsibility”. I like that. It is an empowering statement. I get to choose…will I respond to myself, and my idea of what a good husband would do? Or will I respond to my wife, will I act in reaction to whatever she has done to me? Will my responses to her simply be determined by the way she acts toward me? Or will I respond to God? Will I interact with my wife in the way He has instructed me to? The real question is…will I allow Him to be Lord, and take my correct position as His servant, and do exactly what He wants me to do? Another understanding “My response is my responsibility” reveals is that I have to pay attention to what I am doing, not what someone else has done. I call this concept. “Eyes on your own paper”. I remember hearing a teacher or two admonish classrooms I was part of to keep our own eyes on our own papers. In other words, pay attention to what YOU are doing. Every time I have tried to inspect my wife’s actions to see how she could improve at being a wife…I fail to be a good husband. I have never maintained my ability to be a God Shaped Husband while telling her how she is currently failing at being a God Shaped Wife. Reflecting God is a full time endeavor and requires every bit of concentration we have. If I don’t keep my eyes firmly fixed on my own paper, I will fail bitterly in my attempts to be a God Shaped Husband. Finally, “My response is my responsibility” keeps me mindful that no matter what is happening in my marriage, I have the ability and in fact the responsibility to make it 50% better. What I mean by that is this. No marriage is perfect, yours would be…but you and your spouse are in it. Mine would be…but my wife and I are in ours. We are all profoundly fallen people living in a profoundly fallen world and so we have a propensity to do profoundly fallen things. Every marriage is a struggle at times for one reason or another. Some experience deeper struggles, some experience longer lasting problems. Some of the struggles come from outside sources, some on further inspection we seemingly invite into the mix. Regardless of what the difficulties are, how big, long lasting, or how they got there, every spouse can choose to be a God shaped one. What about those situations where just one of you seems to know or even care that God has instructions for how your marriage is supposed to operate? If that is you…then be a God Shaped Husband, or a God Shaped Wife and through your obedience it will likely become at least 50% better. “My response is my responsibility” Join me again next time as we begin to dive into God’s word and find the prescriptions for a God shaped Husband and a God Shaped Wife. So now, accepting that your response is your responsibility, and that in your marriage you need to respond to God…Go be awesome.

Order and Structure of a God Shaped Marriage Vol. 8

February 5, 2024 • Pastor Ken Brown Jr • 1 Corinthians 11:3

Hi, this is Pastor Ken, thanks for joining me once again for the Monday Marriage Message where together we search God’s instructions to experience highly successful marriages. Today we will continue with our look at the Order and Structure of a God Shaped Marriage. This will be our eighth and final installment in this series looking at the differing roles of the Husband and the wife in the greatest of all human relationships. Each of the episodes in this series have been based on 1 Corinthians 11:3. There the Apostle Paul wrote the following. But I want you to know and realize that Christ is the head of every man, the head of a woman is her husband, and the head of Christ is God. I used the first few editions in the series to consider the role of a husband, and the fact that according to our focal scripture he is directly responsible to Christ for his interactions with his wife. In the last few episodes we began focusing specifically on the important position of the wife within the marriage. In those we delved into topic of submission and what it really means for a wife to submit to her husband while understanding her value is equal to his in every way. Today we are going to look at the final phrase of this scripture verse and what it has to say about the Order and structure of a God Shaped Marriage. As I mentioned in past editions of this series, we have been working our way through 1 Corinthians 11:3 phrase-by-phrase keeping with the very structure and order with which it was written. I have also made the point that this verse not only sets the God given structure of authority in the marriage of a husband and wife, but also the Godhead that marriage is intended to reflect. This is valuable on many levels but the one I want to concentrate on today is that the marriage of Adam & Eve, and every marriage since has been only a reflection of the greater Godhead that created all of them. In light of that, Paul writes that there is a common thread to the order of authority that runs all the way through the hierarchy. According to this scripture, this God ordained order for our marriages is actually part of the reflection. Allow me to read our focal passage once more, But I want you to know and realize that Christ is the head of every man, the head of a woman is her husband, and the head of Christ is God. Let’s take a few minutes to look closely at this final phrase so that we can highlight what our marriages are supposed to be reflecting. “…The head of Christ is God.” According to this passage, within the Godhead there is also an order of authority. God the Father is in authority, and Jesus Christ the Son, who is the Father’s equal, willingly submits to the Father. The bible tells us that Jesus is God. The Apostle John began his gospel with that very truth. In John 1:1-4 John wrote of Jesus, In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was in the beginning with God. 3 All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made. 4 In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. The bible also points to the fact that Jesus is equal to the God the Father. Philippians 2:5-6 says 5 Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, 6 who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God. This means that Jesus is God and that He understands that he has the exact same value as the Father. God the Father is not superior to the Son and the Son is not inferior to the Father. They are both perfectly holy and are therefore equal in their superiority over all things. Our focal scripture from 1 Corinthians 11:3 tells us that the head of Christ is God, or in other words, God the Father is in authority over Jesus the Son. We can see that further explained if we continue to read on in the passage from Philippians we were just looking at. Beginning again in Philippians 2:5 and this time continuing on to verse 8 we read, 5 Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, 6 who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God,…7 but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross. Verse 7 tells us that Jesus who is completely and totally equal to the Father chose to give up his standing of equality with the Father. It is highly important that we understand this did not make him unequal to the Father. The Son is still equal in value with the Father, He does however, voluntarily submit to the Father and recognize the Father as being in authority over Him. This verse goes on to indicate that Jesus was even taking on a servant role. This means that Jesus, The Fathers equal was choosing to interact with the Father in a servant / master type relationship. Verse 8 goes on to illustrate just how far Jesus was willing to submit to the Father in that relationship. It tells us that Jesus humbled Himself and was obedient (to the Father) all the way to being willing to die. Jesus knew this was not going to be a quick or painless death. It was death on a cross, which just for clarification was not only slow and painful but also considered by all a degrading way to die. The Romans used the public shame of crucifixion as an extreme deterrent keeping their subjects from revolting. Jewish people felt it was so degrading that it was not fitting that a dog should die in this manner. Yet Jesus Christ, the Messiah, the Son of God, equal to God the Father in every way, submitted to the will of the Father…even to the extent of being willing to die…on a cross. In Matthew 26:39-42 (NLT) we can read of the difficult time of prayer Jesus had the night before his crucifixion. There it says, 39 He went on a little farther and bowed with his face to the ground, praying, “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.” 40 Then he returned to the disciples and found them asleep. He said to Peter, “Couldn’t you watch with me even one hour? 41 Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak!” 42 Then Jesus left them a second time and prayed, “My Father! If this cup cannot be taken away unless I drink it, your will be done.” This passage illustrates the level of commitment Jesus had for remaining in submission to the Father. I appreciate that it exists. By allowing us to see into this very private time of prayer between Jesus and His Father we get to see that although perfect in every way, even in His submission to the authority structure of the Godhead, Jesus was not without the emotional struggle we also sometimes experience when submitting to authority. Though we can see that the struggle was very real for Jesus, as it often can be for us, we also see His resolve to submit, that the plans of the Godhead might succeed, and He did not falter, and He is our example. Let’s continue now reading in Philippians and see what the result of Christ’s submission to the Father was. Philippians 2:9-11 say 9 Therefore God also has highly exalted Him and given Him the name which is above every name, 10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those in heaven, and of those on earth, and of those under the earth, 11 and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. So, in the Godhead (which our marriages are to reflect), the response to the willing submission of an equal is that the One in authority exalts the One in submission. In response to the willing submission of the Son, God the Father has highly exalted Jesus and given Him the Name that is above all other names. In other words, God the Father has responded to God the Son’s submission by speaking about the Son in ways that He speaks of no one else. God holds the Son in highest esteem and regard because the Son was willing to submit. Therefore, husbands understand this, your wife’s submission to you is deserving of your highest regard. She should have a name on your lips that is higher than any other name. There should be no one that you speak of with a level of regard anywhere close to the esteem you hold her in. Our focal scripture for this series tells us about the marital mirror that God looks into desiring to see Himself. It tells us that when He looks at our marriages He sees a man and a woman both equal in value and joined as one by Himself. It suggests that marital mirror will consist of a husband who operates in loving authority as God the Father does. It also expects it will include an equally valuable wife who willingly submits to the husband’s authority in much the same way as Jesus, submits to the authority of the Father. By concluding our focal verse, the way that he did, the Apostle Paul, by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit did a marvelous thing. If He would have spoken only of the order and structure of authority within the marriage, husbands alone would have been able to look to Jesus as their example because the head of every man (or husband) is Christ. However, by including Christ’s position within the order and structure of authority within the Godhead, the wife also has the opportunity to look to Jesus for her example. The husband can look to Jesus as his example of how to be one in authority because Christ is in authority over every husband. The wife can look to Jesus to see how to be in submission because Christ places Himself in submission to the Father. Because Paul included not only the order and structure of a marriage but also the framework of the Godhead, Jesus becomes available to both a husband and a wife as an example how each should fulfill their roles within the marriage. Paul shows us by the incredible work of the Holy Spirit just how to have a God Shaped Marriage. As I said earlier, this episode will conclude our look at The Order and Structure of a God Shaped Marriage. In the weeks ahead I hope to expound on scriptural prescriptions for a God-Shaped husband and a God-Shaped wife. So now, purposefully and willingly stepping into your specific; God-ordained, Christ-exemplified, and Spirit-empowered role in your God shaped marriage…Go Be Awesome!

Order and Structure of a God Shaped Marriage Vol. 7

January 8, 2024 • Pastor Ken Brown Jr • Ephesians 5:21–24, 1 Corinthians 11:3

Hi, this is Pastor Ken, thanks for joining me once again for the Monday Marriage Message where together we search God’s instructions to experience highly successful marriages. Today we will continue with our look at the Order and Structure of a God Shaped Marriage. This will be our seventh edition in this series looking at the differing roles of the Husband and the wife in the greatest of all human relationships. Each of the episodes in this series have been based on 1 Corinthians 11:3. There the Apostle Paul wrote the following. But I want you to know and realize that Christ is the head of every man, the head of a woman is her husband, and the head of Christ is God. I used the first few installments in the series to consider the role of a husband, and the fact that according to our focal scripture he is directly responsible to Christ for his interactions with his wife. Last time we began focusing specifically on the important position of the wife within the Structure and Order of a God Shaped Marriage. In that episode we delved into the much misunderstood topic of submission. Knowing that the concept of submission inside marriage is a bit of a touchy subject I considered carefully how I would approach it. As a pastoral counselor, I understand that teaching some of the precepts in God’s word can at times be problematic. This is not because there is some problem with what God’s word has to say, God’s word is infallible. It can be difficult based on our level of willingness to accept what it says as right and true. Sometimes that gives us trouble. Unfortunately, as human beings, when we don’t like, or personally agree with something we tend to close our minds to it by simply ignoring the subject all together. So, when there is a topic like submission that must be practiced to enjoy marital success, the challenge is to convey the truth without people metaphorically sticking their fingers in their ears and shouting “I can’t hear you…I can’t hear you!” With this in mind, I had to consider carefully how to best speak on the much misaligned concept of submission. Psalm 19 tells us that all of God’s precepts are perfect, that all of His ways lead to successful living. It tells us that if we will take scriptural guidance seriously it will bring blessing to our lives. Nowhere is that more true than in the marital relationship. If we want the blessing of an amazing marriage, we must follow the prescription written by the author of marriage. Who would know more about the correct operation of successful marriages than the creator of the institution? Furthermore, as I have documented many times before, the primary purpose of marriage is to reflect who and what God is. Certainly there should be no arguing that God is most capable of giving us proper instruction as to how to best reflect Him. If we are willing to forsake what we think about it in the natural, submission is actually a very interesting idea. It presumes the essential truth that the person offering their submission is equal in value to the person in leadership or authority. Slavery is accomplished when one who is bigger, stronger or of some greater ability forces the involuntary subservience of another. Slaves have no choice in the matter, they are forced to serve the one in authority. Submission is not slavery. When one submits, they choose to do so. Submission is an act of the will. I must volunteer to place myself under the submission of another, because I am an equal with any human authority I choose to submit to. This is also true of a wife’s submission to her husband, I pointed out last time how God used specific words when referring to Eve that clearly indicated her equal value to Adam. Every wife who chooses to obey God’s perfect precepts for marriage and willingly submits to her husband, who holds no greater value than she does, is also positioning her marriage to receive blessing. While we are on the subject of submission there are few things I think necessary to note. First and foremost, regardless of whether we are speaking of the husband or the wife, ultimately how we interact with one another is in response to God. The scriptural prescriptions for a successful marriage have been given to us by God Himself. So far in this series I have looked to Ephesians chapter 5 for specific instructions to a husband and a wife as to how they can each align themselves with the Order and Structure of a God Shaped Marriage as laid out in 1 Corinthians 11:3. There we read that a husband must lay down his life (his goals, needs, and desires) for his wife (putting her goals, needs and desires above his own). Last time, we looked at how a wife is instructed to place herself in submission under the authority of her husband in all things. These are instructions from God’s word. These are not demands made by a spouse. Our adherence or lack thereof is in direct relationship to the level of submission we place ourselves in under God. It is truly essential to our marital success that we fully grasp this understanding. As a husband, when I love my wife the way that scripture instructs me to, in other words when I meet her needs (physical, emotional and spiritual) simply because the need exists. I am doing so because I am submitting to my God who instructed me through His written word to act in that way. When I lay down my life (make my needs less important to me than my wife’s needs are) I am lowering myself in comparison to her that she might be elevated. Why do I do that? I do that because God’s word says I should, therefore those actions are in submission to God. If I choose instead to be selfish and put myself first, then I am being dismissive of God and His specific instructions to me as a husband. If I submit to God, then my marriage has greater ability to reflect Him, experience success, and be blessed. When my wife Lynn submits herself to me in all things as she is instructed to do, in actually she is submitting herself to God. Not because I am her god, I am not…I can totally admit that I would make a terrible god. Ultimately, she is submitting to God because it is God who instructed a wife to submit to her husband in all things. Her submission to me then actually says far more about her relationship with God than it does her relationship with me. We are each solely responsible before God for our response to Him. Therefore, our obedience or disobedience to God is a reflection of the condition of our individual relationship with Him…nothing else. Consequently, we cannot use the unwillingness of our spouse to follow the commands given them by God to justify our non-compliance to the commands given to us. I cannot say with any validity whatsoever, that I don’t have to obey God, if my wife isn’t obeying God, and even though the wife is under the authority of the husband, she has no basis to make such a claim either. As Dr. Emmerson Eggeriches likes to say concerning this…“My response is my responsibility” I couldn’t agree with him more. Having made that point, let me move to the next one. Ephesians 5:21 takes the position I just outlined a step further. It says Submitting to one another in the fear of God. Only when we understand that submission to our spouse is in fact, submission to God, and that our spouse’s choice to submit or not to submit to Him is to have no effect on ours, are we are able to rightly understand submission to one another. Here in this scripture, Paul points out that submission to God means submission to one another. While a wife’s submission to her husband is her responsibility before God, (Ephesians 5:22) there should also be mutual submission taking place at all times (Ephesians 5:21). Romans 12:10 tells us to Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another. In other words, our love for one another should spur us to submit to the needs and desires of each other. In my humble opinion there is no other place in scripture that illustrates submitting to one another within the marital relationship quite like 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 – Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. The context of these two verses is undoubtedly speaking of sexual intimacy within the marriage. In that context these verses are self-explanatory (though admittedly slightly confounding) . However, when a scriptural principle illustrates truth at a certain level, that truth remains relevant at lesser levels as well. Like any of God’s instructions we don’t like and want to dispel or ignore so we won’t be obliged to submit to them, we can try to argue that this scripture is an example of circular reasoning and therefore renders itself invalid. We would be in error to do so, and arguing something doesn’t make it so. In fact, I know it flies in the face of conventional wisdom and contemporary thinking, but I would argue that this scripture governs any action involving a married person’s physical body. My wife and I believe this scripture regulates a concept we have dubbed “Marital Veto Power”. We agreed when we married that we each had veto power concerning the other. This is based on scriptures such as 1 Corinthians 7:4, Romans 12:10 and Ephesians 5:21, all discussed above. We believe we have the right (and dare I say responsibility) to tell the embodiment of the other half of our one flesh that we are not in agreement with a certain activity, and the other must comply. Allow me to illustrate. I love riding motorcycles. Prior to marrying me, my wife had never ridden one, but I had been riding them with my dad since the age of 5. He taught me to drive one myself at 12 years of age and I have been enjoying them ever since. On hot days I love being on the motorcycle and prefer the wind in my face to the air conditioning a car offers. When it is really hot the only thing that feels better than the wind in your face is the wind blowing through your hair too, so on those days, I like riding without a helmet. When we married, my bride told me she didn’t mind at all if I rode motorcycles, she just wanted me to wear a helmet when I rode. There are all kinds of valid studies that show that riders who don’t wear helmets statistically crash less and experience less head trauma when they do have accidents compared to those who wear a helmet. My wife did not find this information compelling at all. After some discussion it was agreed that if I was within town limits and the speed limit is 25MPH or less I am free to go helmetless, however, if the speed limit is above 25 MPH, I must wear my helmet. Because she feels that way, I wear my helmet each time that is the case. I often wear it even if I am downtown. I do not have authority over my own body, my wife does, and because I love her I prefer her and submit to her wishes. Let me say that Marital Veto Power should be used very sparingly otherwise it will simply be viewed as one spouse being a ‘control freak’ or ‘power hungry’ neither of which is a good look. Submission isn’t a dirty word; it isn’t setting ourselves up to be a doormat. Submission is a voluntary act of the will that requires strength and understanding. It is not something that renders us weak or foolish but rather, strong and wise. Submission to each other is actually submission to God who instructs us to interact with one another in that way. Remember, how we interact with our spouse is in direct correlation to how we respond to God. So now, responding to God as you should so that you can successfully enjoy a God shaped Marriage…Go be Awesome!