“Moreover, if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.” (Matthew 18:15, NKJV)

In over three decades of being a pastor, I have observed that most people do not enjoy confrontation. There are some who seem to take pleasure in picking a fight. But most people would rather talk to someone else about a person who offends them than to talk with the offender. This practice harms relationships. Offenses happen, but Jesus gave us a pattern for how to resolve them in a way that preserves unity and protects the church.

If a brother or sister offends us, we must go to them privately and show them their fault. We must make the effort to explain it to them in a way they will understand. Often this means that we must first remove a plank from our own eye. The plank is our own unloving reaction to our brother’s sin. Personally, I have confronted people in anger only to regret it later. A much better method is to deal with our own sinful attitude first. This means asking God to search our heart and show us any bitterness we may have. We then ask the Lord to forgive us and give us His heart for our brother or sister. Then we can go to him or her in the right spirit.

“Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted.” (Galatians 6:1, NKJV)

Notice that this is a spiritual deed for spiritual people. We do this because it is the Lord’s desire that we live in holiness and peace. A person who offends others is hurting himself as well as the entire body of Christ. Therefore, it is necessary to go to them to help them to see how their words and actions are affecting others. We must do this in a spirit of humility and gentleness knowing that a gentle word can break a bone (Proverbs 25:15). Jesus said that if we do this, and our brother listens, then we have gained our brother. He uses a word from the financial world meaning to make a profit by investment. Indeed, to confront a person is to make an investment of time, prayer, and care in him. But we do it in the hope of delivering him from sin and helping him not to hurt others.

But what if they don’t listen? Jesus gives us the protocol to follow so that the person is held accountable not only by one person but also by the church. A person who is unwilling to repent must be treated as an unbeliever, since they will not submit to the Word of God and to church leadership. Jesus gives no time limit. This process may take days, weeks, or months. Such church discipline is rarely practiced in church these days. But if we would practice it as Jesus instructed us, there would be much less sin in the church, less gossip, and more sincere love between brothers and sisters. May God help us to truly handle our interpersonal relationships God’s way!