If you Google, “How to be a good husband,” in less than a second you will have over a billion results. That blows me away. That tells me two things. One, this is a topic a lot of people are talking about, thinking about, seeking on…and it tells me another, there’s a bunch of folks that don’t know where to turn, and probably a good amount of hopelessness. Imagine if you have a question and you needed an answer…and you were given over a billion answers…where would you even start!? Overwhelming. Here’s the thing though, there answer exists! It’s in the Word of God…but my flesh and the under-current of this fallen world and all its trappings make THE answer, well, can easily sweep it right away.

But…the truth that there is an available answer at all is SUPER good news for me specifically and for many. Because I never saw this…this good husband stuff. I’m lost in terms of what I learned watching and experiencing as I grew up…and so I have learned to listen to the voice of God over what I have seen and experienced. That’s in fact how I learn today the best…by listening…

The answer to that question, “How to be a good husband,” is simple. John 15:4-5, “Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. I am the Vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.” What’s fruit? Galatians 5:22, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love.” And what is God’s command upon the husband? Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands, love your wives….” And so, there’s your answer…I’ll send you and invoice…

Remain in the will of God. That’s it…how can I be a good husband? Honor the Lord with His daughter! His princess. Walk with the Lord and serve Him with your life. You’ll never have to seek another answer…but now you see why we have over a billion other answers don’t you? Because I’d rather a wide and easy path, please… I know, I get it…who wouldn’t? But the hard and narrow path leads to life…and this one leads you to not only the marriage you want, but the wife you want, the husband you want to be, the kids you want to have and the life you want to live.

Understand this…when a man is outside of the will of God, he is a menace to himself and everyone else. Jonah, the Old Testament prophet, just about brought a whole ship down because of his foolishness…

Now, before we talk about the role of the husband, we really need to talk about the role of the man, briefly. That has been lost, or at best confused, in our post-modern western-world culture. We live in an age of complication and extreme distraction, where masculine women and effeminate men are celebrated while masculine men and feminine women are met with hostility and resentment. It’s odd…and complicated and truly a great distraction…why distraction? Because it causes everyone to focus on themselves rather than to simply serve each other and certainly discourages (if not entirely destroys) the ideal of universal truth. I believe the battle over sensuality will eventually be the downfall of our way of life if the Lord tarries…if we continue to fight ourselves, our enemies will have it easy…

And so, the role of the man in the culture is confused…and because of that, the role of the man in the family is as well. Listen, never let your sociology dictate your theology! Let’s see what God has to say on the matter in terms of the role of the man before we discuss the role of the husband.

Genesis 1:26. Then God said, let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness. The original design of the man was to reflect the image and likeness of His Creator. Think of image as shadow…think of likeness as similitude or manner. To fulfil my role as a man in society, in the family, in my marriage, I am to first fulfil my original design which is to bring Christ to earth, to become like my Creator. Looks simply like this, God gets the “say so!” So how should I be? Answer this…what is God like?

1 Corinthians 10:13, God is faithful. 1 John 1:5, God is light that refuses and overcomes darkness. 2 Peter 3:9, He is patient. John 3:16, He is loving and He is giving. Numbers 23:19, He is a man of His word. Psalm 18:30, He shields others. Psalm 116:5, He is gracious and righteous, full of compassion. He is the champion of the people, the giver of Himself, the defender of justice and the defeater of sin. He stands in the place of His own and takes responsibility for them, placing the needs of them over His own pain…He is love.

This is my calling and my purpose…I have good days, not-so good days, good moments and moments of failure but I am not confused. That realization and resolve keeps me growing in Him…sometimes VERY slowly…but not always. Why do we have such confusion and distraction and really failure in our society, families and homes when it comes to men, husbands and fathers…? Because realization and resolve are very scarce in a society distracted by self-love and self-service. (Trash and coins story)

Back in Genesis, look at chapter 2 verse 15, “Then the Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to tend and keep it.” A primary aspect of being in the image and likeness of God, man’s original design, is to tend and keep. In the Hebrew, tend and keep, abad and shamar…abad’s meaning is literally to serve and shamar’s meaning is literally to guard. Gentlemen, this is your first job. As a man, and primarily as a husband…if you are not serving and guarding your wife, protecting her and her heart of hearts, then you have some work to do…good transition to husbandry…

Look at Ephesians 5:25 again. God lays out for the husband three things he must be for her. Specifics to the role of husband. The how-to’s of loving your wife. First, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her. In the home, in the marriage, in the relationship, a Godly husband accepts the responsibility of being his wife’s savior. You save the situation, the day…you’re the reason she can face tomorrow with confidence…is that how you are serving and guarding her?

I am just going to cut right to the chase with perhaps the most important truth you need to realize and resolve today…husband, you are ultimately responsible for the health of your marriage. Don’t give me this, “well you don’t know my wife.” Look at Jesus’ bride…and He went to the cross and fixed it all…all on His own. When Eve was brought to Adam, Adam said, “This is now bone of MY bones and flesh of MY flesh.” After they had sinned in disobedience to God, God called out to them in Genesis 3:9 and He said, “Adam, where are you?” Why? Because Adam was responsible…this is bone of his bones, flesh of his flesh…

1 Corinthians 11:3 says, “The head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man…” God has created the man to lead and that leadership does not make him the boss…it makes him the leader…the principal servant, the primary protector and it makes him accountable. Many husbands want the authority of being the trusted boss but have not begun to be the leader God has called them to be to earn that trust and authority. Listen, lead her and love her as Christ leads and loves you and SHE will make YOU the boss!

That means even when no one else is able to walk in the Spirit, it ought to be the husband. To lead in the things of the Lord in the home and to expect to lead. Leadership can be very lonely and discouraging at times…so what…that’s leadership! Look at this, perhaps something I’ve never contemplated before…Genesis 3:6…Adam was with her? Could it be that he was right there!!?? Perhaps, yes…why didn’t he guard her? Why didn’t he take the snake right then and bruise his head? Husbands, you are accountable. That is your role.

Second, back in Ephesians 25, verses 26-27…husbands you are to be her sanctifier! The definition of love can be stated as pursuing the well-being of another. That may or may not involve emotions by the way! It’s wonderful when it does but it doesn’t have to and won’t all of the time. This world is fallen, it is messed up and women deal with exactly the same pressures and evil that a man does…in 2015, 38% of wives earned more than their husbands in the workplace and 70% of working mothers worked full time. Did you know that according to a study conducted by the University of Michigan, having a husband creates an extra seven hours of household chores a week for a wife!? HA!

Husbands, with all of that noise, all of that stress and all of this foolishness that our wives have to take in and put up with in this world, God has called you to be a primary sanctifying power in her life! She doesn’t want you to fix everything, she needs to emote. Listen to her, connect with her…you can have control or connection, but you can’t have both…remember that!? I’m going to tell you something now that will perhaps perplex you…to truly be a good husband, a good wife, you must become each other… True intimacy in a relationship comes when you and your wife can identify so closely with each other that you see yourselves in each other. It’s called co-inherence. You cannot get there without being there, present, connecting constantly with her and putting her first in your habits and heart. That IS what God meant by one flesh.

Pray for her…listen to her even when you are entirely uninterested! (DO NOT look at your watch, HA!) As you love her and serve her and pray for her and lead spiritually in the home, she will grow in the Lord. You say, “Well I can’t change her…only she can change her….” May I remind you of when she met you?

She probably thought you were a buster! She wasn’t going to marry you! What happened? You turned on the game, you worked the charm, you pursued her affection…and now look at you…married! Did she change her mind about you? Yep! So, there you go…Don’t date to marry, marry to date! Sanctify your wives, this is God’s second how-to in terms of loving her.

And finally, Ephesians 5:28-29. You are to be her satisfier! Almost every man in here just thought of one thing. Listen, that ain’t what we are talking about…yet. Satisfy her heart, man…Husbands are to nourish and cherish their wives. To nourish means to provide what is necessary or lacking. And to cherish is to hold something in such high value that your care for it is explicit…that it is obvious to her and to you and to everyone else that she is a treasure. The word is linked to the word beloved or costly.

A woman was talking to a friend once and she said, “When I married him he was a multi-millionaire.” And her friend replied, “Wow! Well what is he now?” She said, “A millionaire!” HA! Being married is costly…but that’s not what I’m talking about…men we are to treasure our wives and that means we are to willingly sacrifice for them and overtly show to her and prove to her and message over and over again that she is our treasure! You say well look at her, she doesn’t take care of herself, she’s let herself go…she’s ugly! Let me tell you a story.

A farmer had two daughters. One was hot! One was NOT! And one day a gentleman caller came, rich and good-looking…and he came to find a bride. He brought with him a thousand head of cattle as dowry. The farmer introduced him to his two daughters and he proposed to the ugly one! The farmer was astonished! A year later she came back to visit her father and in walked this beautiful, angelic brickhouse WOMAN! He said to his daughter, what HAPPENED TO YOU!? Well, if he thinks I’m a thousand head cattle woman then I’m gonna be that! You see men, she is a reflection of how you make her feel…how you care for her…how you cherish her…a good husband satisfies his wife in terms of affection and she is not satisfied until she knows she is the treasure of her Father’s kingdom, which she is!

So, three things…all connected-to and the how-to’s of loving your wife. If you want to be a good husband, if you want to have a great marriage, and if you want to be married to the woman of your dreams…you are to be her savior, her sanctifier and her satisfier…all of these things are EXACTLY how Christ has loved and loves the church. Don’t walk out of her talking about, “I’m going to go be these things.” Walk out of here talking about, “I’m going to give God the “say-so.” Become a man that worships God in your heart of hearts! Thats when the fruit will flow.