Back in Ephesians chapter 5, look again with me at verses 25 – 27. As was discussed last week, the role of the husband, a good husband is three things for his wife. Her savior, her sanctifier and her satisfier. I think after last week some of you guys feel like Bob. Bob was talking to a friend of his and said to him, “Tomorrow is my wife’s birthday!” Bob’s friend asked, “Oh wow, what are you getting for her?” Bob thought for a moment and replied, “Make me an offer!” HA!

I know it’s tough! It’s counter-cultural, unnatural to my fallen nature…BUT…the secret to it all is revealed by God in verse 28. Happy wife, happy life. HA! The truth of leadership is this…as you become the husband you ought to be, she will become the wife she ought to be. It’s really quite simple, but it takes faith, it takes tenacity, it takes grit, it takes wisdom (like knowing that marriage is grand but divorce is at least a hundred grand, HA!) it takes strength in your relationship with the Lord…because when you are leading in love, often, you’re not being loved yourself. If so, then someone else is leading…so you have to walk in faith, sow in the spirit and really become dependent upon God for your needs.

But, Hebrews 11:6 says, “God is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him!” Trust the Lord! Trust means knowing that He is faithful and that He is going to be faithful! Just like Link…do you know he brought NO money to Disney Land with him when we went?! What was he thinking! No need for thinking, he trusts his dad has him covered!!

But don’t forget the rest of that verse (back in Hebrews 11:6 – without faith it is impossible)! It takes faith, it takes belief, and through that comes the reward. How is it that you are to fulfil this role that God has given you in a way such that you will bring about health in your marriage and ultimately the marriage that God has intended you to have? Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word. Stop waiting for her to be the perfect wife…you be the perfect husband! The cleansing and the sanctifying doesn’t begin until you get your act together…leader!

Ephesians 5 continues, that he might present her to Himself a glorious church…your marriage is becoming or has become where you have led it to become. I heard a story about a wife one day that said to her husband, “I think I look ugly, can you compliment me?” The husband replied, “Sure thing! You have perfect eyesight!” Right there, that right there leads you right to a BAD DAY! But the opposite is true as well!! Compliment her, treasure her, love her, serve her…and watch over time where that leads you!

The text says, that He might present her to Himself…that word “present” in the Greek speaks of a time of harvest…when the faithful work of the farmer, in partnership with the Lord (His design, His soil, His rain, His sun) when the work of the laborer is revealed. Jesus with His disciples once said in Matthew 9:37, “The harvest truly is plentiful, but the laborers are few!”

I want what God wants for me. Why? Because He wants the absolute best for me to transform me out of the image of the weakness of this fallen world and the nonsense of the flesh and to transform me into the image of heaven, the very image of His Son who though betrayed He held His integrity. Though condemned, He held His composure. Though hated, He was able to love. Though He was publicly humiliated, He lost nothing and though He was forsaken, He embraced the abandon to the glory of God and to the salvation of those He loves. Goals, man. God says to me, “I want to make you that man.” And then reveals to me that is the only man there is anyway…every other male is just a child, wandering about looking for the next crumb of pleasure and morsel of self-indulgence…but I have something better for you…

1 Timothy 4:8 tells me that godliness promises a profit to me, life, and not me only but to all those around me…and so as I fulfil my role as April’s husband, walking in the word of God, abiding in the presence of God, that has a cleansing affect upon her, my family, and my home as the word of God through me (as the ordained leader) washes us day after day and the harvest comes and will come and in that promise…in the faithfulness of God…I believe and place my hope and that hope does not disappoint! Look at Romans 5:1-5!

As YOU do these things husbands, here’s the crazy thing!!! You stop looking for the results in her…because you are finding all that you need in what GOD is doing in YOU!!! BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE! It’s like a heavenly infomercial!!! HA!! She follows YOUR lead as you become one who glorifies God, she becomes glorious!!!

That word is illustrious! Honorable. Highly esteemed! Notable, splendid, gorgeous!!! If you want the wife of your dreams then become a man of God…simple as that!

The woman of my dreams? Yes…look at the rest of verse 27, “Not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish!” No more fault…that’s what that word spot is…no more contract….that’s what the word wrinkle or fold implies…and so get this…it’s not that she necessarily starts to walk on water…no, Peter sank…it’s that you, by your hand, she becomes lifted up…just as Peter’s Savior did for him…and you no longer look at her with fault eyes or contract eyes but now you look at her, she becomes in YOUR heart, viewed through the lens of grace and love and no more give and take but covenant! Not having spot or wrinkle? Listen, that’s very little about my wife and very MUCH about ME! As I become the man of God I should be in my home, then to me, she will become more like I am to God. By HIS stripes I have been healed!

And as she watches herself become that to me…it triggers in her the harvest. That she then becomes holy just as it is through Christ I am made holy and she then becomes without blemish…not practically but positionally…just as we are in Christ! So, husbands…if you know what is good for you, love your wives, lead in love…walk with God, abide in Him…the harvest is plentiful…but the number of men on this earth are extremely extremely extremely few!

Let me get really pragmatic for a bit for you men…The first step to effective leadership is to try. (Where have the handymen gone!? You need to be the handyman in your marriage and with you wife!) Study her…learn her (bad hearing story)…if you have a bad day, that doesn’t make you a bad husband. You’re going to have bad days because as soon as you figure her out…she will change! HA! That messes men all up! HA! I know we like to pout and men are easily discouraged, but get back in there and keep trying! As you walk in your role biblically you will find that your wife allows for your mistakes…it just kinda works that way…because she senses that you know you are mistaken and that is the last thing you want towards her….she will sense that, trust that in you, and forgiveness will flow.

You may be thinking, after hearing all of this, “No way…this is too hard…I’ll love her my way…” May I just share a hard truth with you…HA…I’m going to anyway! You must love your wife as Christ loved the church…if you do not then you will create, over time, a home that is horrible…forgive me for saying it this way ladies but once your wife is trained that she has a bad husband it is almost impossible, it takes a miracle of humility on her part, to bring a woman back to being a good wife even after the man comes to his senses.

So, husbands, this is how you must love your wives…it’s what has been commanded, it’s the design and IT IS BEST FOR YOU! This love must be without condition. Condition is attitude, circumstance, environment, preference…condition is condition. And unconditional love is ACTIVE and AFFECTIONATE. 1 John 3:18 says, “Let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and truth!” A missing action in the home today is sacrificial active love in action on the part of the husband. (Including manners!) Neglect is a form of degradation…and that is not treasuring her. Listen, if you don’t treasure her…understand that is something she needs…you open her up to the sadness of other men treasuring her more than her husband or the sadness of watching other women loved by their husbands. My wife isn’t much of a hugger…why? She doesn’t need any! I am her hugger! HA! Guys, expect to do it, do it, plan to do it, get in the habit and love the habit. Then whatever she does in response…you’re welcome! HA!!

Handle whatever issues, problems and business you need to handle with her in a way that protects her self-worth and personal public value (we will talk more about this when we discuss the role of the wife too). To the world, make sure she walks on water. Protect her reputation when she is not around and set her up for the kindness and admiration of others through how you treat her and talk about her. This will pay dividends for you men! Remember, “He who loves his wife loves himself.”

Serve your wives with consistency and excellence. You ever have bad service at a restaurant? Waiter didn’t listen…brought you stuff you didn’t ask for…wasn’t pleasant…and then guess what, they still want that 15% or 20% tip!!! Some of you men are doing the same thing and then blaming your wives for the bad tips (or no tips if you get my drift). Y’all better recognize!

Give your wives permission to be imperfect! Oh, how we all need this! Listen to what happened to her during her day…don’t pick it apart and tell her how she could have had a perfect day. IDIOT! Comfort her and render the affection that she is due. She needs to know and be constantly reminded that you love her. She needs to hear “I love you” from you. But also, showing your wife how you feel about her is as important as telling her how you feel. Sacrificial attentive affection…includes listening…but also includes simple, seemingly unimportant acts like unexpected hugs and touches when you are together…if you’re not affectionate she wonders often if you love her…and that is sad…

Husbands, she needs to hear “yes” far more than she hears “no.” NO ONE on this earth loves to be around a negative person. And if saving that $50 is more important to you than her having the pair of shoes that she’s been waiting to go on sale for 2 months…then ask her how much they cost. Excuse me while I pray for you…HA! Habitual negative responses feel like rejection…and that is not love. In fact, research shows that the more you respond in a positive way, the happier and more satisfying your relationship will be.

Guys, read Psalm 139:17-18. God’s thoughts toward you are innumerable. You need to be thoughtful towards your wife. Thoughtful! You might not care about birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, etc.…I don’t care what she says, your wife does. Wives want to feel valued…when you prioritize her no matter if you “care” about the day or not, she feels valued. Thoughtfulness is also text messages, reminding her you’re thankful for her, planning a date night…because here’s the thing…YOU can know you love her, find her attractive, that you’re thankful for her…but if you don’t show her…it means nothing.

Your husbandry is reserved only for one. To all other women you are brother and/or father. Act like it and be OVERT about it especially to women that are attracted to you, that you are attracted to and overly overtly especially when your wife is around! It will pay off for you, trust me!

Be fun. Lead her in finding the extraordinary in the mundane! Be spontaneous…dance during the credits when you see a movie…grab her every now and then and say, “Do you hear that music!?” Be silly in the department store…find ways to have fun in the familiar. Your wife won’t tell you this, but what wives want is marriage to be fun and adventurous. And it should be anyway…it WAS created by God!

Go-dos

Repent. Change. A man who says, “I was wrong” really says in effect, “I am a little wiser today than I was yesterday.” (Spurgeon).

If you think today that you married the wrong woman, start treating her like the right woman! You don’t love her because she deserves to be loved (necessarily). Think of your relationship with Jesus. You love her because love will make her into the woman you want to love.

Remember, worse than being single is marrying a fool. So, start today…try. Learn what works. You will get better at it. And most importantly, the foundation for all of this good husband stuff, get serious about the strength of your walk with God. You will not be a good husband without first walking closely with the Lord. Adam didn’t serve and guard his wife…she took and she ate and she fell and he watched…and because of that, he fell too…find the trees that are forbidden…and cut them down. Abide in and with the Lord…you’ll be, she’ll be, the marriage will be…in the long run…very good.