The Comedian Next Door 2021
with John Branyan
Self-Love for Me, Not Thee (Family Feud)
October 25, 2021
Welcome to our house, Neighbor! We're not over-exaggerating when we say John and the Peaches aren't seeing completely eye-to-eye on this episode. Be prepared for a little bickering... A listener weighs in on a recent episode. Do teachers WANT their students to be as offended as possible? The Peaches disagrees with both John and the Neighbor who sent us this mail. Many, many, many Tik-Tok, Instagram influencers claim they were raised by parents who didn't LOVE them enough, and it caused them to have low self-esteem. (Their parents were selfish.) So, they think the solution is to LOVE THEMSELVES in ways their parents never did. In other words: they want to become as self-focused and self-absorbed as their parents were. Eventually, the Peaches brings up the Golden Rule, and that's where things start to go off the rails. What happens when people start reading the Bible for OTHERS instead of applying it to themselves?... Well, it doesn't work. (We agree about that.) But John thinks it's possible to take the Golden Rule too far...? Or something?... And then we have to talk about BDSM, so it gets weird. Sorry, Neighbor. We unnecessarily complicated this whole thing. But, bottom line: We think there are parents and teachers out there who selfishly train up children to be THEIR PERSONAL SERVANTS; they are raising kids to be part of a world that revolves around THEM... Finally, the Peaches whirls about whether you can respect an idea or belief that you disagree with. Why is this so hard for people to grasp?!?!?! If you like being part of our kitchen table conversations, you can support The Comedian Next Door by joining the Comedy Clique! (Details at johnbranyan.com)
John Comments on Everything (Hate Mail!)
October 18, 2021
This episode is dedicated to reading comments, emails, and reviews from people who aren't very impressed with John Branyan (to say the least). Welcome to the kitchen table, Neighbor Pkarlgh! If you have always wanted to tell John that he's an incompetant loser who wouldn't understand humor if it fell from a tree and knocked him over, then you're going to love this! If you'd like to send us some hate mail, you can contact us here: email@example.com Thanks for laughing with our family, Pkarlgh!
HOUSEGUEST: Chris Scheufele
October 13, 2021
We've got a HOUSEGUEST at the Kitchen Table today: our friend and educator, Chris "Shoof" Scheufele. Chris travels the country giving talks to students about how to be emotionally resilient. Recently, he delivered a speech at a new school that went GREAT! Everyone laughed, they clapped, and they wanted to have him come back again soon... Well, ALMOST everyone... We talk about the way a small minority of offended teachers can control the entire school. Why does the principal allow this to happen? How can Christians stand up to Cancel Culture? And is Chris interested in joining a group of Christian allies who will stand up for him whenever he's attacked by humorless nincompoops? All this and more in today's HOUSEGUEST episode! You can find Chris at chrisintheclassroom.com and on Facebook on the "Chris in the Classroom" page.
Just Shut Up (Facebook Down)
October 11, 2021
Hi, Neighbor Pkarlgh! We decided to record a podcast in the middle of the Facebook Outage, because we thought it might be headline news for longer than 10 minutes... John talked to his Computer Coding Genius friend who gave us some insider information on why the whole system went down for the longest blackout in the platform's history. THEN, we give an update about the Speeding Ticket Lady from last week's episode on toxic femininity. (Spoiler: she still has dozens of people encouraging her bad behavior.) NEXT, too many people just KEEP TALKING when they're upset, which only makes everything worse. If folks would learn to SHUT UP until their strong emotions pass, the world would be a better place. We understand that sometimes you feel like venting, Neighbor! And sometimes you make mistakes and get frustrated with yourself and others. It may seem that posting on social media make you feel better... But it's better to JUST SHUT UP. FINALLY, the Peaches reads one of her old blog posts (from 2010) about how you should NEVER say "shut up" to anyone. Her tirade is pretty funny in light of the title of this episode... But, at the time, it was a serious argument she had with her new husband. As much as she didn't appreciate being told to shut up, it turned out to be decent advice. Thank you for joining us at the kitchen table! Visit johnbranyan.com to become part of the Comedy Clique and get exclusive content.
Women Sin, Too. (Plus: Trolling Scam Callers)
October 4, 2021
The Peaches didn't write a proper summary for this episode, Neighbor. Here are the bare basics: our culture finds it much easier to identify and call out "toxic masculinity" than to recognize when WOMEN are being toxic. So--today we're talking about sinful female behavior (with examples from social media). But, before all of that, we share a plan for how to handle our new Serial Scam Caller next time he rings the Comedy Business Phone with a thick Hindi accent... Please consider supporting John Branyan by joining the Comedy Clique at johnbranyan.com Please consider supporting John Branyan by joining the Comedy Clique at johnbranyan.com
HOUSEGUEST: David Pendleton
September 29, 2021
We're at the kitchen table with good friend and ventriloquist, David Pendleton--but DON'T CALL HIM DAVE! If you've never listened to a conversation with David before, you won't know that he's an expert on German Baptist theology. (It's a long story, Neighbor Pkarlgh. But you can listen to the German Baptist episode of the Comedy Sojourn by clicking the button above.) Today, David gives just a brief description of the baptism ceremony in the German Baptist community--and then we're able to transition nicely into talking about a DIFFERENT kind of fundamentalism which is infecting the culture... That is, Woke Fundamentalism. David has been a staff member at Campus Crusade for Christ since the mid-80's, and he has an insider's perspective to share regarding the recent criticism of (and subsequent apology from) Josh McDowell. David's testimony may or may not include examples from Cru's internal message boards. This is an extended episode detailing how a once strong, faithful organization became infiltrated by unChristian ideas in a relatively short amount of time. "Here's the important narrative here... if you say that a certain group of people do not have equal opportunity, you cannot then attribute it to something that is true within their culture. You always have to attribute it to [being] because they have been victimized." --David Pendleton Join us at the table! You can find David's website at anythingcantalk.com Find John at johnbranyan.com
Take Your School to Church (G.K. Chester-Son)
September 27, 2021
We have SO MANY THINGS TO TALK ABOUT, Neighbor! Tune in next Wednesday for our houseguest episode with David Pendleton with some BREAKING CULTURAL NEWS. There’s a scandal related to a respected Christian institution, and you probably aren’t even aware of it, yet. But that’s why you listen to the Comedian Next Door! So you can be “in the know.” Next, John wants to get to the mail—but he has to suffer the Peaches’ sound effects first. (He was so proud of that Mouth Honk last week, and now, suddenly, it’s a burden...) Our listener, Pkarlgh, writes to us from Canada using plenty of commas and making several observations about the sad state of our culture. She closes with a question about what to call “healthcare” when it’s being controlled by tyrannical professionals who hold political grudges. We have some suggestions, of course. Later, John has a quote from G.K. Chesterton. But it takes awhile for him to read it because we enlist the help of the Podcast Ninja (Luke) to demonstrate a perfect British accent. John eventually shares the quote: “[Jesus] restrained something… I say it with reverence that there was, in this shattering personality, a thread that must be called shyness. There was something He hid from all men when he went up a mountain to pray. There was something that he covered constantly by abrupt silence or impetuous isolation. There was one thing that was too great for God to show us when He walked upon our earth. And I have sometimes fancied that it was his mirth.” We don’t want to disagree with the famous Theologian. Buuuuut… we’re not sure why he assumes Jesus wasn’t mirthful. And that’s just the first 15 minutes! We spend the rest of this long-winded episode mildly chastising the Focus on the Family initiative to “Take Your Bible To School.” We propose: take your school to CHURCH and stop trying to sprinkle a little bit of Jesus on top of your secular education… We have much more to say about godless, Secular Humanist education and the public school system. Join the conversation! And, if you want to send us your comments and questions, write to: firstname.lastname@example.org
Dignity and Rollercoasters (Mouth Honk)
September 20, 2021
Welcome, Pkarlgh! The birthday party prep is in full swing, and 5-year-old Emery was given the best chore ever! This reminds John of a new segment idea: Is This a Joke?! As the culture continues to swim in irrationality, there are a lot of things happening that would have been considered unbelievable 20 years ago... For example: Atheist chaplains and women who put their sons in dresses and then complain that they're being bullied... Is this a joke? Related: John is very proud of the new sound he can make with his mouth. Let us know if you're as impressed as he is, by emailing email@example.com . Finally, it's mail time! How can we be respectful toward our bodies as temples and have dignity as Christians made in God's image--while we're laughing at everything? It's a good question, Pkarlgh! We should want to be mature...responsible...respectable...and to maintain a human dignity. However--we shouldn't be too preoccupied with being SEEN as very grown up. C.S. Lewis has a great quote about our quest to appear mature. John messes up the name of one of the hosts on the Patriarchy Podcast. (Shout out to Tony and Joseph--our network brothers on Fight, Laugh, Feast!) Then we spend waaaaaay too long trying to think of a synonym for "frivolous." Don't forget: A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men. --Roald Dahl The most dignified parts of this podcast have--by far--been the most boring. And what does Cami's experience on a roller coaster have to do with struggling to be dignified? Finally, we wrap up with a quick Whirl from the Peaches. Christians have historically been very Libertarian-leaning. (Small government, free markets, etc.) But we don't live in a moral society anymore. We can't value "free choice" at all costs--when our neighbors are "choosing" to kill babies. And we can't value free enterprise at all costs, when pagan corporations are censoring Christian thought... Please consider joining the John Branyan Comedy Clique by visiting Johnbranyan.com. We can't do what we do without you, Neighbor!
Duck, Suck, and the Other Word (FLF Conference Recap!)
September 13, 2021
Hi, Neighbor! When you're hanging out at the Comedian's house, we affectionately call you "Pkarlgh." So welcome, Pkarlgh. We're just getting back from the Fight Laugh Feast Conference, literally minutes before recording, and John is sporting some stylish new Ear Gear. How comfortable are his new headphones?... Well... the Peaches gives the best description she can muster. Hard consonants are funny, Pkarlgh. That's your free advice from the professional today. And speaking of funny words, please wish Collin "good well" on his 8th birthday. Feel free to ask if you can share some of his lollipop or soda. We'll know whether you listened to this episode if you use the special phrase! After we talk about "duck" and "suck," we discover there is another relevant word, used by an angry Feminist when addressing unvaccinated individuals. The Podcast Ninja (Luke) shared his favorite take-away from the Conference: tyranny happens incrementally, through hundreds of tiny compromises. Long story very short, THAT'S why we find our culture suddenly being bullied into compliance by Mama Bears who are PROUD to use emotional manipulation on Facebook. Whoops, pause for a second, Pkarlgh! The Peaches needs to update the outro, now that the FLF Conference is over. Now what do you think of the new one? (We especially hope you enjoy the contribution from 3-year-old Silas.) Please send any comments or questions to firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow the John Branyan channel on YouTube and watch the Starving Comics Quarantine Show LIVE every Sunday night at 7:00pm Eastern. (Comments left during the LIVE stream can be featured in the show!) If you're not a Club Member in the Fight Laugh Feast Network already, what's wrong with you?! Sign up at flfnetwork.com, and you can get caught up on the talks that were given at the conference this weekend! See you next time, Neighbor. And bring friends.
Vaccine Update and Classic Rambling (Idiot's Table)
September 6, 2021
We don't know what we're talking about today, Neighbor Pkarlghl! But that never stops us from filling 45 minutes with meandering conversation... Emmi (5-years-old) treats us to a very quiet recitation of "The Elephant." Then we get ready to open the mailbag. (But first--a quick plug for the Fight Laugh Feast Conference. John says we'll be recording the next episode live at the conference, and hopefully that's true!) This week, someone mistook John's youngest daughter, Tabby, for his wife. (Awkward.) And someone else named their computer "Pkarlgh" in honor of this podcast. (Awesome!) Then the Peaches is asked for an update about the vaccine mandate being imposed on her husband, who's a registered nurse. Luke was granted a religious exemption, and the Peaches shares the details about the scathing letter they wrote to the hospital. Healthcare is a mess right now! Good employees are being fired (or walking out), and the leadership teams are panicking. Facebook groups of angry healthcare workers are being blown off the internet. What a time to be alive! Then John asks, "Does it ever work to nag and threaten and be aggressive to people?" And the answer is...unfortunately, yes. This leads to a conversation about Christians being bullied into deleting things off the internet. Later, Rick Warren said the best way to love your neighbor in this era is to wear a mask. John has some thoughts about that. And the Peaches thinks people on both sides of the debate are actually afraid they might be wrong... Thank you to the Fight Laugh Feast Network for hosting us--and thank you to Subsplash for sponsoring the app. If you can't get enough of the Comedian, you can follow John Branyan on YouTube and Gab. Or, visit johnbranyan.com to become a member of the Comedy Clique and enjoy exclusive content. See you next time!
Fancy-Pants Rouse Rabble (John Goes Viral)
August 30, 2021
Hi, Neighbor Pkarlgh! (That's you, Listener.) Give us a moment to fix our mics and grab a glass of water. John wrote something about an Atheist Chaplain at Harvard, and it was shared on Facebook more than 130 times... We confess to being a little surprised by how surprised Christians seem. This is not our first time encountering "Atheist Spiritual Guides," but apparently it's a new concept for many of our brothers and sisters. (If you'd like to see the Atheist Eulogy John wrote in 2016 to honor a godless chaplain, you can click here: https://johnbranyan.com/flexing-my-hopeless-muscles/ ) For several decades, Christians have been more interested in having a nice "dialogue" with non-believers than they are interested in actually CONVERTING them to Christianity. As a result, Christians are platforming godlessness and thinking that's what Christ wants! A fool's response to the news of an Atheist chaplain: "I actually think it’s an important move. [The Chaplain] oversees all faiths, including Humanism. Many young people, turned off by the political weaponization of Christianity, are avoiding organized religion. However, they are still seekers and will eventually seek comfort somewhere. Who knows? Creating an open-minded space for discussion may provide just the right environment to invite students back to organized religion." Eventually, John reads some mail from you, Pkarlgh. You made us laugh this week! There's a T-Shirt that John wishes he owned. Then the Peaches shares a brief story about a deli employee who can't spell. Are masks and vaccines worth dying over? And, more importantly, is a vaccine too much to ask in exchange for seeing ADAM LEVINE?!... All this and more, Pkarlgh. All this and more. Send your questions and comments to email@example.com. We'll see you at the Fight, Laugh, Feast Conference September 9th-11th! Details at flfnetwork.com. Bye, Neighbor!
New Mothers are NOT Okay (Don't Bring Scotch)
August 23, 2021
We are laaaaaate, Neighbor Pkarlgh! It has been a busy weekend at Vacay with Comics. (And, also, our microphones weren't turned up...but that may have been a smaller percentage of the problem.) Vacay was a success, despite Luke and Joe trying to ruin our reputation with alcohol. Completely unplanned, both John and The Peaches are talking about Parents With Problems. First, a father of two kids is "NOT OKAY" (his words, not ours), because the pandemic is cramping his style. It turns out, he can't really decide whether he wants his kids to go back to public school or he wants to keep them home, safe, where they are driving him crazy. Then, John reads a post from a mother of a newborn who is also NOT OKAY. (Our words, not hers.) She is afraid the new baby will get sick, so she won't let anyone hold him...including the big brothers and sisters. The Peaches reads a post she wrote on this subject long before the COVID circus. Excerpt: "PLEASE, please don't believe the lie that you can prevent tragedies if you refuse to let your babies be kissed or snuggled. Please don't demand that everyone within 20 miles get flu shots, or they will be eaten by Mama Bear. Please don't threaten to rip apart families over a pacifier that didn't get sterilized. And please--please--don't isolate yourself from family and friends out of fear that they'll contaminate your baby. Because... THIS DOESN'T PREVENT TRAGEDY--It'S ACTUALLY A SICKNESS OF ITS OWN." We would love to hear from you, Pkarlgh! Email us as firstname.lastname@example.org to weigh in. Also, it's not too late to visit with us at the Fight Laugh Feast Conference, September 9th - 11th. Details at flfnetwork.com.
HOUSEGUESTS: Juan and Melodee DeVevo
August 18, 2021
Welcome to the kitchen table, Neighbor Pkarlgh! Our houseguests are physically in the house with us, for once. Normally, when Juan and Melodee are in town, we selfishly keep them all to ourselves, and we talk and play games without recording anything. But, today, we're sharing a portion of our conversation, in which we discuss speaking TRUTH without lacking LOVE. (This is one of Juan's favorite topics.) "I've given a lot of thought to this Truth and Love debate that we're all having... One of my favorite authors is CS Lewis, and he says the enemy always introduces errors into the world in pairs of opposites..." -Juan DeVevo Can we think of examples of speaking Truth without love? And what do Harriet the Spy and Rosie O'Donnell have to do with this? Plus: the Peaches tells the DeVevos about a "gender non-binary" Kindergarden teacher who is brainwashing 5-year-olds in a nearby town. While Christians have been agonizing over whether they're loving enough, the culture has been taken over by crazies who have no problem telling your children there's such thing as "neither boy nor girl." You can see Juan and Melodee on the Casting Crowns Drive-In Tour. Details at castingcrowns.com. Also, become part of John Branyan's Comedy Clique by visiting johnbranyan.com and clicking around until you find a problem with the website and get frustrated and email us at email@example.com
Trans Comics w/ Power (Don't Ask About Meatloaf)
August 16, 2021
Welcome to the kitchen table of The Comedian Next Door! John is sporting some stylish new tech equipment that you'll just have to imagine. We have three, separate pieces of mail to read--the most important of which declares THE PEACHES WAS RIGHT about something. But, also, John's comedy could cure generations of insomnia, according to a certain critic. If you think you can do a better job insulting John than this troll, then send your attempts to Nextdoor@johnbranyan.com. John is sporting some stylish new tech equipment that you'll just have to imagine. We have three, separate pieces of mail to read--the most important of which declares THE PEACHES WAS RIGHT about something. But, also, John's comedy could cure generations of insomnia, according to a certain critic. If you think you can do a better job insulting John than this troll, then send your attempts to Nextdoor@johnbranyan.com. (Keep in mind, the Peaches prefers the "Kill Them With Kindness" approach.) The harder you swing, the more pathetic your attempts to hurt another person are... The Peaches invites you to agree with her! Don't miss our Houseguest episode releasing this Wednesday! We'll have Juan and Melodee DeVevo, of Casting Crowns, to discuss education, culture, and the Kindergarten teacher who identifies as NEITHER "Miss nor Mister." Finally, John reads an article from a non-christian comedian who has noticed the way Cancel Culture is affecting the comedy world. When the author was attacked by the LGBT mob, he received private messages of support, saying he did nothing wrong. But--publicly--nobody defended him. "There are lessons here that go well beyond comedy. While the vast majority of my readers, even the Canadian ones, have never heard of [this Trans Comedian], or the rest of her clique, the examples show...tiny groups of enforcers can poison an entire artistic subculture, despite these enforcers' lack of any real commercial success..." (Full article here: https://quillette.com/2021/08/01/life-as-a-stand-up-comic-can-be-brutal-safe-space-call-out-culture-is-making-it-unbearable/) In other words, a person who's not even a FUNNY COMEDIAN can somehow influence the entire culture. Never, ever ask a woman or couple if they're planning to have children... Never, ever, ever, ever ask certain questions. The Enforcers have spoken! Being afraid to speak what's on your mind will affect the entire Comedy Industry and the rest of society. We'll see you at the Fight Laugh Feast Conference, Neighbor! Join John Branyan's Comedy Clique by visiting johnbranyan.com and becoming a member.
John Doesn't Want Fans (Lobsters and Crabs)
August 9, 2021
Hi, Neighbor Pkarlgh! As you probably don't know, John has a Dry Bar special which periodically goes viral on social media and doesn't impact his career in the least. Be careful if you think you want tons of followers on social media! Internet popularity will NOT lead to fulfilment. This leads to a possible opportunity for the Peaches to be in a Whirl about something. (But we're not sure.) (And also, John sounds like his nose is stuffed up.) Finally, John reads a social media post from a woman who doesn't think her child's father needs to be praised for "simple" things like changing diapers and washing bottles. What causes some people to focus obsessively on how much or how little encouragment is being given to them BY STRANGERS? We spend the majority of the conversation discussing the reasons you shouldn't tear others down to make yourself feel better, nor should you fool yourself into imagining that others are happier because their effort is being recognized more than your own. Finally--does anyone know whether lobsters ACTUALLY step on each others back to get out of buckets? Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org to solve this mystery. Subscribe to the John Branyan channel on YouTube and watch the Starving Comics Quarantine Show LIVE every Sunday evening at 7:00pm Eastern. Become a Comedy Clique member for exclusive content. (Details at johnbranyan.com) And, finally, have your pets spayed and neutered. Support the Fight Laugh Feast network by becoming a Club Member. Special thank you to Subsplash, for the app!