The difference between the following boundaries is important to know:

Physical boundaries: "I don't like you being that close to me."

Emotional Boundaries: "I don't appreciate being spoken to like that."

Safety Boundaries: "You can not do that because you could get very hurt."

I hate the statement "Because I said so"

You are not explaining the WHY behind an action.

If all you focus on is the DON'T "Don't eat candy before bed" and you don't tell them the why "because it will give you energy and you'll have difficulty falling asleep and/or you could have restless sleep" you will lose the battle. I know this because it is natural for humans to be inquisitive. So when we say no and do not give a why people will investigate for themselves the why.

Now let's focus on how important communicating the DO is. We want to replace the word don't with do. Instead of "Don't stand on the table." We might say "Can you do me a favor and sit on your bottom?"

Remember that replacing a bad behavior must come with a good behavior and it takes 66 times of repetition on average to learn a new habit. You may feel frustrated at first but just keep going in your communication journey. Some feel like if I have been speaking to loved ones a certain way for too long then others will never believe they have changed. The only way to prove a change in communication is to continue to be consistent. We need to build trust and the way we do that is by communicating things that are truths and not impulsive feelings.

Kids do not know right from wrong until much later in life, therefore, we need to focus on teaching them that the adult decisions we make are with good reason. We can do this by focusing on What we are doing, Why we are doing it, and How we communicate our decisions.

The difference between safety boundaries and expectations is that expectations communicate perceptions, not truths. "I don't want you listening to that music because it's not Christian enough." This communicates your standard for your interpretation of what a Christian child should be like. An expectation can set an irrational opportunity for resentment. Resentment is very difficult to get around. Let's say your kids love rap and you can't stand secular lyrics, you must research to replace the behavioral interest with another similar healthier alternative. "Hey, I bought tickets to go see NF! I think you'll love this concert because I noticed you love rap music." This lets someone know you cared enough to pay attention to their interests, you are willing to meet them in the middle and introduce them to something similar in interest and you are willing to spend quality time with them in the effort. When we just say "You aren't allowed to listen to that music" we are saying you have failed me because you do not meet the standards of my expectations. This builds resentment.

Ask yourself does this statement affect the safety of my home?

If not does it need to be brought to the table?

What about the middle lane? Something that feels like a safety-driven boundary that could also look like an expectation. "I don't like what you are wearing to church." If it is a safety boundary you will know because the WHY will be easy to narrate. Instead of the don't focus on the do. "I think the white dress you just bought looks flattering on you. You should wear that to church instead."

If you can't find a valid why, you have to ask yourself

"Why do I care so much?

Is it because it embarrasses me?

Is it because of my insecurities?

Is it because of my childhood traumas?"

You may want to dig into your why before projecting so you can keep positive relationships with those around you.

Safety is a learned behavior. If we want to create safe adults who think of consequences we must teach them not only by words but by actions to mirror.